Trapped

I want to run away.

I know this great guy/couple down in Alabama that has a lot of acreage. It's a beautiful place. He wants people to come down and homestead there. I have fantasies about doing exactly that. Picking up, leaving, starting my life over... What a delicious thought!

Maybe it is because Little Diva has now entered her tweens, and I wish there was a fast forward button...
Maybe it is because the husband can really be a 'guy' at times, and I don't need that sh*t...
Maybe because one of our friends has quickly developed into one of life's challenges for me, and I have had rage boiling under the surface for awhile now...

I really want some 'me' time. Not just a night out either. Since I am *supposed* to deal with everyone's shit, and stay calm-cool-collected, I want everyone to pamper my ass. For days, weeks, months... whatever.

I am also experiencing these strange extreme mood changes. I can go from feeling good to seriously pissed in a nano-second, and then back to good again. It's a constant flip-flop. What is that? Bi-polar.. Manic-depression? I don't know what it sounds like, but I know it is not that. If I could work through whatever the hell this is, I'd go back to normal.

The only good thing about being pissed off all the time is the inner body warmth during these cold months.

I really do want to punch somebody... anybody.

So today I feel used, abused, taken advantage of, and generally f**ked over. I am really mad at a friend of mine. Well, I think he's a friend. Who the f**k knows. You would think he would consider me a friend -- I am that awesome. He would be a real dumbass to not take my sincere offer of friendship. I will not stand out in the cold forever. Dumbass.

Yesterday and the night before, I was higher than I thought I could be. That's not true - I don't have a cap for how high on life I could be. Anyway, I was floating so high, my feet were not even close to the ground - for hours. It was so fabulous. I felt normal once again.

There is a theory that today is just a crash from that fabulous feeling. Is it possible to have the endorphin/serotonin/something crash without drugs? Is it possible to have crashes all the time? Is it possible to stay in a crash?

I really just want people to leave me alone. Except those I choose to deal with... The list is not very long.

~Do not expand~