Today - B.C.

I made the decision that I was not going to do anything yesterday. I accomplished what I set out to do. My house is now a mess, my hair looks like a rat's nest (which only got worse when I passed out on the couch), and I don't have a lot of time today to do anything about any of it.

We are taking my truck out to get a couple loads of future compost. I need coffee. I can't even begin to think which clothes I'll be okay wearing while shoveling shit. I know I have some...

I am looking forward to the shower after we're done. No point to doing it now.

My prominent dumbass is getting better. The sad thing is, it is only temporary. Patterns don't lie. Oh well, if this is what I have to do, I'll do it. It's either this or kill somebody. While killing someone would be immensely satisfying at the time, working on our relationship is probably the better option. But dammit!, I didn't want a second husband - never have! We have decided many times not to ever get re-married. Neither one of us want to do the work involved. It's exhausting. And yet, here I am. What lesson could I possibly learn from a repeat? How to avoid it? How to change it more efficiently? How to deal with it without feeling murderous? What the hell is the Universe trying to tell me????? Maybe it is just a test to see if I can hang on to my identity when it would be easier to just step into the background. Well, if that's it, I should be okay... maybe. I like me. I like to feel like me. I don't like to sacrifice myself just so other persons can be. That's not fair, plus it's my turn.

Wow - I should not try to post before coffee... Going to get some now, and brush my hair & teeth... Maybe straighten up if I have time. Coffee most definitely first.