Diva is becoming a teen. Oh shit.

Little Diva's birthday is tomorrow. Her 13th birthday. This is her very last day of 12 - no 'teen' after her age, no 2 or 3 at the beginning of her age. I guess this is her last day of childhood (technically).

That's sad. Of course, Diva isn't sad about it. She's going to be 13, by god!!! I never thought this day would come. I prayed this day would get here. Well, she's been talking about her birthday, and what she wants to do on her birthday for the last eight months. She was 12 for 4 months, and then started planning her 13th. God, did that bug me!!! Not so much the planning, but definitely how often she brought it up.

Anyway, we are heading into one of the tourist towns near here on Saturday to celebrate. There will be go karts, and putt-putt (mini golf), and Fuddruckers, oh my! We'll do cake when we get back. We need time to let the burgers settle before indulging in sugar overload.

Tomorrow, we are taking her shopping for bedroom stuff. We want to get her a desk and a full length mirror - maybe a rug too. The only problem is we don't have ideas for smaller things. We were going to buy her a 'gift certificate' from one of our friends to trim her hair, maybe style it. *laugh* When I asked, she decided she could just give Diva that as a gift. That's one less from us. It's okay though. It's the perfect gift from her. I'm going to ask another friend about a manicure/cosmetics type of thing, which would be the perfect gift from her.

I am so excited for her. She has all these people planning on being there. We even have friends coming in from out of state. Amazing! I have always been worried about the turn-out for her birthday, but not this year! I feel such love for our friends. There aren't a lot of kids, so I'm referring to the adults that are making sure they are there for her. How cool is that!!!

Have I mentioned I love where I live?

Wise quote

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-Mahatma Gandhi

This was in my inbox, and it's beautiful in a very real way

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents,
you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would
be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.


I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends
just honk the horn when they
drove up they had to come up to
the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13, we
had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any
crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all
educated, honest adults. We are doing our best
to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Anyone know how this can be done?

Do any of you ever wish you could see how life would be if you weren't around? You know, a classic theme for Xmas movies or whatever. The whole 'I wish I was never born!' crap that some fairy, spirit, whatever shows how life would be so much worse without the pitiful person's existence.

I want that. I'm not saying I regret being born. Far from it. I'm not even feeling like I haven't touched people's lives. I just want an accurate assessment. The overall view, if you will.

Anybody else ever want that?

Back on flatland

Okay - not as emo anymore.

I'm back on track. This is what it is like playing chess with an adult. Thank god I love a challenge!!

A friend of mine brought over a very cool study aid. It was the thoughtfulness of it that touched me.

Someone else gained major points in my parenting book by asking a question in the perfect way. It was very appropriate.

Another friend's truck was finally sold. It's been on Craig's List for a while. Yay extra income!

L's new schedule still takes some getting used to. Today was his Friday. He's off for three days - again. Every week. I am still not used to this. It's pretty freakin' great! It is a much more relaxed environment around here on the weekends. I believe that will help our family life. That and the fact that I have actually been leaving the house more often...

It has been one of the most lazy, rainy, crazy, topsy-turvy, inactive, eventful type of day.

Conflicted

What are you supposed to do when you are required to give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy?

I know my automatic response is, "Fuck that!".

What if you promised something earlier, and in order to fulfill that promise you need to become less than what you are?

That is where I am conflicted.

When I make a decision or promise (really the same thing), it sticks. I follow through on what I said. Maybe I just give people too much credit. I assume that my promise would be enough - without conditions. No, wait. Not without conditions. There are always conditions. However, if the condition you require destroys the person you care about, it is not one that should exist. I understand conditions. I can't claim to love unconditionally. I have high standards. I want respect. I want my happiness to be considered. I want who I am to be part of the original equation. I also apply these things to the other person. I don't require anyone to do anything I wouldn't do. I have high expectations of myself and others.

I think I feel let down. I feel like I am about to lose something important. It's a very 'what's the point' attitude. I can feel myself sinking into depression - even if it is temporary.

Wow. I have been on such a roller coaster lately. My blog is turning emo. Sorry, guys.

I have been 'feeling' more lately than I have since I was a crazy mixed-up teen. So - very out of control, basically.

Well, this thing will turn out one way or the other. I don't like either choice. One way will effect me personally, and the other will effect anyone in the vicinity.

Do I break my promise, or do I change myself completely?

I have a short fuse these days

I had an amazing last couple of days. Amazing as in - is this really happening? I must be dreaming... Something is going on. Before you get your hopes up, it was not a good amazing.

My life, the last two days, have been like a series of dominoes falling on one another. There wasn't any one thing. It was one tiny thing after another - and overlapping each other.

I feel like I am going to lose it today. All I have wanted to do ~all day~ was chill the fuck out. I was pissed at my dogs, husband, and kid before my first cup of coffee. All I wanted to do was take the time to recover from that. No such luck.

I had moments of calmness, but it was false calmness. The moments didn't last. One of the times I was calm, I received a phone call that set me off again. Damn dominoes.

I'm looking for some sort of retreat-monastery-military camp that takes families of women who are fed the fuck up. Just for a break. A long ass break to get back in touch with me...

I miss me.

It's unbelievable that two bad frustrating days make me feel postal. Just two. That's it.

Well, it's good to know your limits. It's also good to know when your limits will be tested. I think I need to prep a little better for the limits test. If these last two days are any indication, I'm going to go insane - if I don't flow with things better.