Random Quote

sushi, n.: When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape.

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Things that caught my attention today

A bull elephant has this gland between his eye and ear that secretes this foul smelling stuff. When that happens, an influx of testosterone happens, and they go a little crazy. This is the time when they would kill humans. They aren't really thinking straight.

Three times more human males die between adolescence and early adulthood than females.

I guess testosterone can really mess you up, eh? *laughing off into the sunset*

In other news, the venom from a scorpion actually searches out cancer cells. They haven't figured out how to use it yet. At least it's a start. Just imagine: scorpion farms could be our future.

African bees have killed 1500 people.

Snakes can choose whether to use their venom or not.

Could someone please tell me why anyone would swim in croc infested waters???

Female mosquitoes kill over 2 million people every year.


Yep, Animal Planet is on. "The Most Extreme" is the coolest show.

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For girls only. You've been warned.

Every month, I get into a contest with the timing of my body. What can I say? I'm a gamblin' woman.

I have my shower schedule. Everyone has one: every night, every morning, every other day, etc. I'm an every other day-er.

I like to shower after I start bleeding. I try and time it perfectly.

But I swear, every time IT waits me out. Just about every time, I start bleeding after I give in and shower.

This time was no different. I showered at 4:30 this morning. I went to bed, and guess what? Yep. Today is when it decides to show up. Bastard!

I really thought I was going to win this time. My god, I was on the couch for days being sick. I didn't even get up to clear off my bed so I could lay in it. Nope, days of being too weak to do much of anything but be a blob. I should have won.

I swear IT does this on purpose.

That is all.




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Been offline for awhile...

We had a great Yule. We partied and paid respect to that light that burns within all of us on Tuesday night, and Wednesday was present/stocking day!!! Our gifts went over really well. Thank god! I was panicked about the whole thing since they were handmade. It was our first year of making all our gifts - Well, not the stocking stuffers. Those we bought.

They were both really warm fuzzy feel good days.

Then I got sick. *laugh* On Thursday, to be precise. I've spent Wed thru last night on the couch. Mostly cuz I was too weak to clear off my bed, which is where I dropped everything Wed night.

Last night I felt better. I knew I wasn't all the way there yet, but I was close.

We also decided to do a "just the three of us" celebration. Five, if you count the dogs. The main reason we did a different day was because we hadn't bought Little Diva all her gifts yet. This gave us more time. *grin*

We went shopping (grocery and Xmas) Friday night. I rested all day knowing I would be in a very busy store later on. The shopping went off without a hitch. We opened gifts yesterday.

We bought ourselves cell phones!!! So behind the times, I know. We got the Go phone. So far, I like it. It doesn't cost anything to call each other - or any other Cingular user for that matter. Also, we were worried it wouldn't pick up the signal where we live, or that it would sound horrible. Neither of these things happened. Yay!!

We bought a couple games for the family. We are going to start a Family Game Night. I can't wait to teach Little Diva Risk!!

I have finally felt well enough to get online tonight. I had withdrawals, people!!!!!

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They've returned!!!!!!

We had friends that left last Sep/Oct to go help out the hurricane victims, and not just Katrina.

While they were there, they bought an RV so they could travel from place to place.

I am so proud of them. I could tell that it about broke his heart seeing the areas devastated like that.

I've had a couple bloggy friends go down, and come back with stories that made me cry. When he was telling me about the destruction, he was just so ... quiet about it. I was there to celebrate the Solstice, but I began to feel depressed. It was like he had just returned from war. He could talk about it, describe it, etc., but no one would really ever understand him. It just kills me when I cannot understand him.

But, anyway, they are back, and I was soooooooo happy to see them! I walked in the door, arms full, and hugged him anyway. I just had to. A part of me was missing while he was away.

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Less than three months

I've returned from my mother's house. She has hospice (is on hospice?), which basically means no doctors, just making her comfortable until she dies.

I also found out what the nurse's prediction on how much time she has left was. One month, sure. Two months, maybe. Three months, no way.

That little bit of news hit me like a ton of bricks. It probably shouldn't have, but it was the first time I heard a time period.

I couldn't sleep last night, and I ended up writing her a letter just so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to say. A letter that I couldn't go back and read without crying. Well, couldn't go back and read, period. A letter I couldn't even hand to her cuz I would have broken down right then and there. So I put it by her bed (when she wasn't in it), and told her I left it for her.

During my 'can't sleep' night, I was trying to figure out how to get through the grieving process as quickly as possible. Not surprisingly, I didn't come up with many ideas. I was unprepared for how much it would hurt. It's not like it was sudden or even a surprise.
Then again, it kinda was. I truly believed even a brain tumor couldn't kill her. She's made of tough stuff. Delusional on my part, eh?

Last night I also realized I am going to have moments of crazy irrational behavior. Probably when I am trying to get over different humps in the grieving process.

My brother is not believing the time period. He firmly believes in the power of positive thinking. Imagine that. My Xtian brother telling his pagan sister about the power of thought! (He doesn't know I'm pagan. Think that might have something to do with it?) At this point, I think he is in denial. My sister (you may remember a letter to her a few posts back) is the alarmist in the family, my brother keeps everything inside, and I examine something from all sides while keeping a cool head. I like to think my brother and sister were just parental projects before I came along...
Anyway, my point is, if I believe it now, that means it is very likely to be true. With the knowledge that no one is able to predict with 100% accuracy how long someone has left to live, that is. The nurse could be wrong.

My mom said she is not afraid of dying. She has her God, and that is all she needs. I am happy that she has such strong faith, even at the end. It must be comforting.

I realize this is a sucky post to read. No one likes to hear about this stuff.

I also realize you guys care about me, and are there for me. Please don't feel the need to comment just because you think I'll need it.

However, if anyone knows how to 1: get through this asap; and/or 2: how to help my kid get through this without scarring her for life. I want her to be able to go through it naturally, without feeling like she has to hold back because of me, or feel like she has to take care of me. I go into a panic whenever I try to plan for this. I panic cuz I have NO IDEA what to do.

Most of the time, I'm okay. I'm not crying constantly, and I am still enjoying life. I just want y'all to know I'm not fragile, and yes, you can still talk about your lives. I'm still interested. I can still laugh.

So far, so good.


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Very quick update

I just talked to my brother, who has been at my mom's for the past week.
Good news!

I guess my mom was depressed, but now she's decided she wants to live. *laugh* That is so like her!!

This doesn't change anything medically, but it does change her quality of life.

They've reduced her pain meds, she's been sitting up, talking, playing cards... She had to be forced to go to bed the other night. She wanted to play one more hand.

Anyway, I'm off to go see her. We'll return tomorrow night.

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Can you tell how much he means to me?

Some people really suck, ya know?

A friend of mine posted bail awhile back for a couple of losers - that were friends at the time. A stupid chick and her child-boyfriend. Letting them know, of course, this money was taken out of his budget and wasn't extra that he just had lying around.

To my knowledge, they still have not paid him back for it.

To add insult to injury, they did not show up for their court date. DID NOT.

Now he has to pay the money or go to jail. We are not talking about an ordinary person, folks. He is welcoming and generous and way more kind than I could ever pretend to be - while still being real. I have never seen anyone so accommodating - with the exceptions of the codependents. This is different. This is genuine.

And they skip town and fuck HIM over?!?!? This is unreal. Just recently, they were at his place hanging out.

All they had to do was show up.

The good thing to come from all this is they are finally on everyone's shit list. Before it was, "I don't like them." or "I know they are part of all this, but I don't want to hang with them." Now it's, "They did what?? To him?? Fuck 'em." The people I talked to are in agreement that if they do see them, they will bite the bullet, be nice, entertain them -one even said she would take them out for a meal, her treat- until the bail bondsman or cops can be called to pick their sorry asses up.

A few posts ago, I talked about acceptance and tolerance. Well, here's me, accepting their choice, and making one of my own. Even striving to be accepting and tolerant, there are still lines that get crossed. And my lines are drawn deep in the sand. I know my boundaries. That stupid bitch and her boytoy fucked over one of my friends in a bad way. I have made the choice I know longer have to be civil to her (at least after her ass is in jail).

I won't make this choice for all of my friends. But this one is special. I love him very much.

Just so y'all know, I don't need any comforting or anything like that. I am very comfortable and happy in my decision. :D

Ya know, stupid bitch and boytoy were just digging themselves a bigger hole all the time with so many people. Most of them were almost at the breaking point anyway. I guarantee this put all of them over the edge.

Some will say that it isn't really the boytoy's fault cuz he might be a little slow. You know what I say? That's bullshit. Dude isn't in a coma or brain dead or even paralyzed. He can remember a court date, AND find a way there, even if she didn't want to. (Besides, I think his slowness is all a big lie. I would go more for the term: horribly immature.)

(FYI: She considers herself a dominatrix. That is why, to show extreme disrespect to her, I have made any reference to her tiny. Most capitalize their pronouns. It's how you can tell a sub and Dom apart in a chat room.)

I'm cursed.

So here's a fun little fact about me: I always have to take the 'other side'. It's part of me always trying to keep the balance. This especially happens when A: I don't know the person being spoken of, or B: I just don't know all the circumstances.
See, there is a lot of room for interpretation, and there are always two sides to every story. If a person is not there to defend themselves, I'll do it for them.

Even when I don't give a rat's ass about the situation in question. How stupid is that?
For instance, (and yes, this has happened) some chick I don't even know will approach me and start telling me all her woes. (This works best when the person is drunk.) Usually it is a whole list of shit that makes me want to pop my eyeballs like a pimple. I can fake attention, nod in all the right places, think about stabbing myself in the neck and have my blood spurt all over her... You get the idea. But the second, the second, she starts talking about a relationship problem (friend, lover, boss -- doesn't matter), I can't keep my mouth shut. I am right there saying, "Could he possibly been thinking this?" or "Maybe she misunderstood what you meant." And everything I am saying is true. All of these things are possibilities that could have happened.

Of course, the person just wanted someone to listen, nod, and feel sympathetic. I threw that role right out the window. They always insist on how their perceptions were the correct ones. How would they know, I ask you?

I have heard people complaining about drivers coming up on them too fast or driving erratically. My response? "Maybe they are rushing someone to the hospital. We'll never know."

It's a fucking curse, people. A goddamn curse. And I hate it when it causes tension in my friendships.

I know I should be supportive. But blindly believing? Accepting something as true without proof? That's just not me. And truth be told, my friends would not love me as much as they do if I just went along with everything.

The one good thing it does do is allow for the unknown, and that lets me look at people and circumstances differently. "Yep, he's acting like a righteous asshole, but why? Maybe he has a reason."

It keeps my emotional reactions in check. I am not one to fly off the handle at any little thing. Of course, that means when I get pissed, I feel I have every reason to be, and get outta my fuckin' way! The problem is, I may have misunderstood something, didn't hear something quite right, etc. In short, there is the possibility that I'm wrong. (Mark your calendars, ladies and gentlemen. I actually said that, and no gun was pointed at my head.)

All in all, I am appreciative of this fucking goddamn curse. I just hate it when it fucks with my friendships.

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Any Sherlocks out there?

Can someone please tell me why it is so common to capitalize the "O" along with they "Y" in the words you, your, you're, etc.?
Seriously, has anyone else noticed this? I noticed I do this, but ONLY with this letter combination. I've seen the same typo all over the 'net.

Solve this mystery for me, please.

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Round Two

Sober Santa 2

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Universal truth: It takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

I think it is sad there are so many misconceptions abouts pagans. I recently read a blog post (and no, I'm not going to link it), and the chick was so pissed off at pagans in general. The things she said were inaccurate, at best. Granted, I know she has some history that she is basing this rant on, but her history was such a tiny part of the overall pagan community.

My greatest wish is that people know pagans are about tolerance and acceptance of other people's life styles. We don't have to agree with them. We don't even have to like their choices. But we accept their choices as theirs.

You know what? I'd like to change my greatest wish. I wish everyone would become more accepting and tolerant of others. Stop the road rage, the hate crimes, the fear of change, the fear of homosexuals, etc... Just stop, people.

Just remember: If you are narrow-minded, you miss the big picture.

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I feel like Janet in Rocky Horror - after spending the night at Frankie's

Wow.

Wow.

I went to a fantabulous party last Saturday. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Let's just say I got in touch with my inner demon, and let her come out and play for a bit.
I'm still feeling afterglow from that night.

Wow.

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A battle of wills

I had been thinking about something for quite awhile. I thought it was going to be one of those delicious thoughts I kept all to myself.

Well, I surprised myself by sharing it.

And now, instead of a delicious thought to daydream about, it is going to happen. Oh god. In my daydreams, I was confident and successful. I hadn't lost my touch, you might say.

This here is the danger of making fantasies into reality. You find out if it is as good as you imagined. The anxiety begins, but the confidence is still there. Strange, eh?

The only thing I haven't figured out in my daydreams (cuz I didn't need to) was what would happen if I was successful. Would things remain the same? Would there be resentment? I think that is where most of my anxiety is coming from.
But maybe we would laugh it off, being on equal footing and all.

Here's the thing: I know I will be successful. I think the other person does too. I think my partner-in-crime is just going to pretend to let me try, when all along he has already succumbed.

(HA!)

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Funny quote that is SO true

This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.


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So worth it.

Literotica.

That's all I'm going to say.

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Same ol', same ol'

Upward and onward with the update:

I am actually feeling okay about the Mom situation. My kid is having a horrible time with it though.

I am starting to get a little motivated. Just a tiny bit. Wouldn't want to overwhelm my finer sensibilities. Oh no. Just get a tiny bit done each day, slowly move forward... I'm hoping to trick myself into building motivation up to a high speed. I'll let you know how it all works out.

I'm going to a great annual party on Saturday, but I don't have ANY IDEA what to wear. I want to be festive, sexy, and warm. Usually in the winter something has to be compromised: sexiness or warmth. I can either be shivering and nipping out or have layers and look about 100 pounds heavier. Quite the conundrum.

Homeschooling is also picking up speed little by little. The huge benefit of it is that her behavior is improving. We will have 'moments' instead of 'days'.

Yule is fast approaching, and the stress level is rising too. Not too bad though. We don't have any idea what to get Little Diva for her Big Gift. I had an idea, but I wasn't able to find it - yet. Her cousin has this great video game. Star Wars video game. Anyway, you actually hold a light saber (don't kill me if I've spelled that wrong), and wave it in front of an eye. I guess the first time he played, he was dripping with sweat. I can handle a video game that also gives you a workout!! Little Diva loved this game, and we thought we would get it for her -- but I haven't found it yet. If anyone knows where I can find it...

I am on MySpace, and I have to say the first time someone sent me a friend request (okay, first couple of times), it weirded me out. I don't mean the people I already know. They were the reason I signed up in the first place. I mean the unknowns. I get a friend request, and my first thought is, "Do I know you? Why do you want to be friends with me?". Then I remember some people sign up to meet new people. I take a breather, go check out their profile, and if they aren't heinous, I'll accept their request. To be totally honest though, I feel like such a poser. Ya know, the people that just try and get their numbers of friends as high as possible. It's not bad really. I only have four that I don't know in some way (and one of them is a band). I do have a fellow blogger as a friend. I thought that was pretty cool. Twisted dude, though. So, of course I like him.
Now that I think about it, I have three bloggy friends on there. Two of them I just counted as straight up friends though. Love you guys!!

I still feel like I don't have time for anything, but I have been clearing out my schedule. There is a friend of mine that I haven't seen in months, and I really miss him. It would take getting the time and motivation to get out of here and drive for an hour. (And ever since my license has been suspended, I try to drive as little as possible.) Which sucks. I really want to go hang out with one of the only friends I have that just lets me be me - no matter what. I went into huge hermit mode last year, and he never even questioned why I wasn't in contact with him. He didn't wonder if he had done something wrong, or anything like that. He just figured it was something I was going through. Friends like that are RARE. Thanks, dollface. You're one in a million. And I'll stop before your confidence level rises anymore than it has... :D

And that's all there is from this peanut gallery.

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A letter to my sister

Dear sis,

Who the fuck do you think you are?
I cannot even believe you think you have some right to act indignant towards me that I didn't come to you, call you ahead of time, set something up, etc.
And how dare you try and guilt trip me using my niece!
You said you have been down here in TN for almost every one of Mom's scans (what are they - every three months?), and have you EVER called or visited or reached out of that selfish bubble you live in? NO, you have not.
And the one time I go to MN, you have the audacity to go off on me for not seeing you. Guess what bitch - I was actually busy, AND (lo and behold, something you NEVER do) I actually called you. I know "busy" is your favorite excuse. You use it often enough. Like the most recent time - this week. You said you would call me to tell me when you were coming down to see Mom. You claimed you were unable to during the 18 hour drive down here (or before you left). You have a CELL PHONE!!!!
You also said you haven't talked to our brother in about two years. Bitch. And then said, "Well, why didn't he call me?". I cannot believe you acted surprised when I just guessed he was feeling some tension there.
You are not Holier Than Thou. Your shit does stink. And, most importantly, you are not the perfect daughter. Get down off your fucking high horse. I think that high atmosphere is messing with your brain.

I would love to say all this to you, but being the drama junkie you are, you would just cry, and pathetically ask me why I was being so mean. There will come a time when I won't hold back.
I cannot believe I have to be the big sister in all this. You are TEN years my senior. I think it is time you grew up, and learned the meaning of accountability.

Irritated as hell,
Your sister

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