Ya know what bugs me?

When you wait a looooooooooong ass time for something, and then, when it happens, you get in your head, think too much, and basically screw up.

I do that a lot. Think too much.

It has saved me on more occasions than it has screwed me, but still...

Damn it.

Wow.

Really. That's about it. Wow.

Urban Dictionary - Electile Dysfunction

Electile Dysfunction

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party during an election year.


"Is anyone appealing to you in this years presidential race?"
"Naa... No one excites me. I think I'm suffering from Electile Dysfunction."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

I think I burned my face on my laptop.



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N'arlins - Here I come!!

We have decided I need some sort of vacation. Some time to get away w/o the fam, w/o all the friends...

It has been decided that I get to go to New Orleans. Partly because I really really want to, and partly because no one dares to tell me I can't.

Dealing with Diva 24/7 in all her tween-ness, plus having to take care of a bunch of adults that I shouldn't have to. Mostly, cuz the majority (if not all) of them are older than me! You can't tell... Freakin' adult children, and me fresh out of maternal instinct!

Anyway, I've been on the edge of going postal, as you all know. Who in their right mind would deny me a break?

My only hang-up is trying to find someone to go with me. Ya know... that I actually want to spend time with. It also has to be a guy. I don't care if that sounds sexist. I need some protection in that city. I may be crazy, but not stupid. There are two I have in mind. One never pisses me off cuz he is so easy going, plus he's a little crazy too. The other one has been there so many times, he could show me all the cool places professional tour guides might not mention. He would also know the stuff I'd want to see... If all three of us went, that'd be just fine too.

I'm thinking March/early April.

I can't believe I finally get to see the city that has been almost an obsession for me!! I have wanted to go there as long as I can remember. I wish I would have made it there before Katrina hit.

That is one regret I can't do anything about. I have tried to make sure I don't have any regrets when I die. I guess I'll have at least one.

There are other places I want to go. I think that is why I feel trapped. I can't just pick up and leave. I feel like I am running out of time. What disaster is going to wipe out New York or Las Vegas? Are the Redwoods going to fall into the ocean? I need to just get up and go, but that is one need that won't be fulfilled.

Damn. This was supposed to be a happy post.

I'm goin' to N'arlins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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I fell on my ass

Yep. That's right. On my ass.

It gets better. I was roller skating at the time.

I only fell once, but it was hard enough to make my ass go numb. Very weird skating with a numb ass. I don't recommend it.

I know this isn't that strange. It is highly unusual for me though. I just don't fall. I never noticed it until the Husband (L) said something. We were walking the dogs - over a year ago - and I fell. He thought that was the first time I fell in the entire time he had known me (which was 12 yrs. at the time).

Lately though, the ground and I are coming in contact with one another quite a bit. Like in the last month or two. I am SO sick of it.

I fell off the bottom of my stairs a couple weeks ago. I live here! I know the stairs - up, down, backwards, forwards, sideways, inside, and out. But I just missed a step or my foot slipped... I don't remember.

That's the other thing! I can usually remember details of shit I did. That way I can go back and analyze it. How else will I learn from my mistakes? But with this falling thing, I can't remember the details. On skates, I know it was a bunch of converging factors all at once, but I can't remember what they were. What the hell is wrong with me?

Any shrinks/doctors/hypnotists in the house?

Now L is gone for the entire weekend, and I have to walk the dogs. I am terrified I will get re-injured. My tailbone is still slowing me down. I do not want to fall on it again.

That also meant no nookie before he left. There wasn't any possible way without hurting me.

I'm a tough chick, but this falling thing is f**king my world up!

Peace out.



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My life finally has meaning

I became an editor at Urban Dictionary!

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Urban Dictionary

I have fallen in love with the Urban Dictionary. So much so, that I have signed up for daily definitions.

Here's two of them:

DILLIGAF

Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck

Example sentence:
You hurt your leg, well DILLIGAF

I am sooooooo using that one.


and...

reality distortion field

reality-distortion field n. An expression used to describe the persuasive ability of managers like Steve Jobs (the term originated at Apple Computer in the 1980's to describe his peculiar charisma). Those close to these managers become passionately committed to possibly insane projects, without regard to the practicality of their implementation or competitive forces in the marketplace.

"A reality distortion field. In Steve's presence, reality is malleable. He can convince anyone of practically anything. It wears off when he's not around, but it makes it hard to have realistic schedules."


Dudes, I know someone like that. I think I may aspire to it.

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Blast From The Past

I was reading the beginning of my blog last night. I realized I have regular phases of being sick of stupid people. I can handle it for awhile, but then it all starts getting to me.


I wrote these back in Dec 2004...

So, a few guidelines:

~If I don't tell you something on my own, I don't want you to know. Don't ask.
~If I feel strongly enough about something, you'll know. Don't push me to 'spill' before I'm ready.
~There's a reason I don't mention names on here. Respecting privacy... If you don't know who I'm talking about, don't ask. If it is about you, I'll talk when I'm ready.
~In person, don't assume because I don't talk about something that I don't know it. And don't judge me by the people around me. People are stupid. (Look at title of blog)
~Here's a pet peeve: Don't assume that because I have an open marriage, I want to have sex with anybody/everybody. I don't. Most of the time, sex isn't worth it. It's usually a waste of getting naked.
~If you talk yourself up to me, I'll think less of you. Understated is best.
~I'm searching for honest, open, relaxed, mature adults to hang with. If you don't fit that criteria, don't expect me to stick around. It's not my job to take care of you. That's your job. Be responsible.
~Don't lie to me. Especially if you are doing it badly. You'll lose major points.
~If I am feeling anti-social, don't try and 'fix' me. I'll do that.
~If you are my friend (or want to be), we are equals. Don't patronize me. Remember, I know shit that you don't. I have also experienced life for a few years. Give me some credit.
~I look at things as lessons to be learned, not as stuff getting in my way.
~If you have a negative attitude, I won't want to be around you. Period.
~If you insist you are right when there is no way you could know, I'll think you're an idiot. A pompous ass. A moron. And not worth my time.
~In general, people suck. You have to be pretty damn special to rise above that. Good luck.

I think they could still apply...

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Some night!

Last week, I had this amazing, otherworldly, fantabulous experience.

Let me set the stage. One thing many of you don't know about me is I live in a Fairy Tale place. Dragons are real, fairies like to play, and magick works. My house actually sits in a fairy hot spot.

(Most of you think I'm crazy at this point. If you don't, continue reading.)

Last Tuesday, the winds started to blow. There was something different about them. I could not stay away. I went outside over and over again. They were both warm and cold. In fact, the temperature went way up. Fabulous. I would have been happy with that, and I was. It started raining. Pouring, actually. We really need any moisture falling out of the sky. We had a really bad drought this past summer. Since the drought, I feel happy when it rains. Winds, rain... Later, there was lightning, but only twice - and it was one right after the other. This lightning was special. It was colored lightning! The first one changed from pink to blue to green. The second was pink and blue. And total silence followed. No thunder, just two bursts of colored lightning that reminded me of the Northern Lights.

Have any of you read the stories about someone stepping into a fairy ring, and emerging 100 years later (or something like that)? Do you remember how the Fairy Realm was described? Happy and giddy, joyful, a little fuzzy and foggy around the edges...

That is what happened next. It felt like we shifted into the Fairy Realm. My husband and I were sitting on our balcony, and we both felt the difference. We enjoyed being giddy and foggy around our edges. I even felt this strong urge to say, "All the little creatures have come out to play.", and I did. It felt like I had to say it. Kinda spooky, but a spooky I can live with. This was the first 'high on life' night I referred to a few posts ago.

We also heard voices on the wind, and other unrecognizable noises. Scary, beautiful, fabulous!!!

I was addicted. I didn't want to go to sleep... or wake up... or whatever. I didn't want it to stop. I stayed awake. I continued to go outside as often as I could. I fell asleep eventually, but not by choice.

The next night when I was describing it to a few friends, I got 'high' again. The next day (Thurs.) was the 'crash'.

One of our friends saw the colored lightning, too. He may have been the only one. It was late when it happened.

I have never experienced that before. Now I understand the stories. Now I know how 100 years could pass without notice. I could have spent 100 years in that place... maybe. Big commitment and all. BUT if you would have asked me while I was in the throes of it, oh hell yeah.

I love where I live.

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I feel smart again

I've had new developments in the works, and I am so excited about them. Well, new information to be learned. Developments will come after that.

This is a 'feel like my old self' day. I'm excited to learn something, my brain is constantly having 'A-ha!' moments, and I just know it is going to continue. Here's hoping I don't get overloaded by my own thoughts.

Oh well. If I do, I'll just take a break, and then jump back in!


Does anyone know if it is possible to develop dyslexia?

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There's hope for me yet!

I talked to a friend/mentor, and I see a solution on the horizon. Just knowing that I'll be able to get it under control has made me feel so much better. Part of what was making me crazy was the lack of control. I didn't know what, why, for how long,etc....

I still am lacking in vital information, but just knowing it is out there has given me the ability to breathe again.

*deep breath*

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I typed my real name in, but changed it to ~J~ for the post

What ~J~ Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

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Cool Nerd!

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No straight jacket needed today... yet

So I am feeling less crazy today. I might have just a tiny bit of patience and tolerance back.

I woke up to find Diva in her room, playing video games, and eating chips and dip. This was at 9am. Here's what is supposed to happen. Her alarm goes off at 8am. She has until 9am to have breakfast, etc. My alarm goes off at 9am, and school begins. That has not been happening lately. She has been trying to get away with whatever she can in the morning. Now she is grounded from all video games and snacks. Punishment fitting the crime is my motto of the moment.

Feel sorry for the husband. He has been bearing the brunt of all of my craziness. He never knows when I am going to snap. For that matter, neither do I. We could be laughing, and he could just hint at the wrong thing to say, and I do a 180. He actually has done really well. Probably cuz he knows this is not like me, and it is just a storm to ride out.

I just need a new meteorologist.

Love you guys!!!

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Some relief

I have finally heard from my friend(?). I feel a little bit better - in that area at least.

The rest of the population can f**k off and die.

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Trapped

I want to run away.

I know this great guy/couple down in Alabama that has a lot of acreage. It's a beautiful place. He wants people to come down and homestead there. I have fantasies about doing exactly that. Picking up, leaving, starting my life over... What a delicious thought!

Maybe it is because Little Diva has now entered her tweens, and I wish there was a fast forward button...
Maybe it is because the husband can really be a 'guy' at times, and I don't need that sh*t...
Maybe because one of our friends has quickly developed into one of life's challenges for me, and I have had rage boiling under the surface for awhile now...

I really want some 'me' time. Not just a night out either. Since I am *supposed* to deal with everyone's shit, and stay calm-cool-collected, I want everyone to pamper my ass. For days, weeks, months... whatever.

I am also experiencing these strange extreme mood changes. I can go from feeling good to seriously pissed in a nano-second, and then back to good again. It's a constant flip-flop. What is that? Bi-polar.. Manic-depression? I don't know what it sounds like, but I know it is not that. If I could work through whatever the hell this is, I'd go back to normal.

The only good thing about being pissed off all the time is the inner body warmth during these cold months.

I really do want to punch somebody... anybody.

So today I feel used, abused, taken advantage of, and generally f**ked over. I am really mad at a friend of mine. Well, I think he's a friend. Who the f**k knows. You would think he would consider me a friend -- I am that awesome. He would be a real dumbass to not take my sincere offer of friendship. I will not stand out in the cold forever. Dumbass.

Yesterday and the night before, I was higher than I thought I could be. That's not true - I don't have a cap for how high on life I could be. Anyway, I was floating so high, my feet were not even close to the ground - for hours. It was so fabulous. I felt normal once again.

There is a theory that today is just a crash from that fabulous feeling. Is it possible to have the endorphin/serotonin/something crash without drugs? Is it possible to have crashes all the time? Is it possible to stay in a crash?

I really just want people to leave me alone. Except those I choose to deal with... The list is not very long.

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Venting

So, at first I was pretty excited. Part of me still is... but now I am starting to feel used. I'm good enough to dish it out, try and prove my loyalty, and all that shit -- but not good enough for any real information??? F**k off. If you don't believe I'm a friend, you are a dumbass. Who else would have made that many sacrifices? Who else would have considered your best interests? You keep holding me at arm's length, and I am done. We are not playing by *only* your rules anymore. If you can actually question my loyalty, then I can question yours.

Who am I kidding? You are loyal only to yourself. All of us are just here for.. what?? Your pawns?

What the f**k ever.

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