My Minnesota trip (mostly Drunken Idiot story)

Hey all! I'm not feeling very creative today, so I'll try and give you the quick update.
The flight to Minnesota and back was uneventful. I loved my rental car. Thing had real 'get up and go'! Plus, it was pretty...
The wedding was cute. (I hate weddings.) It took place on a baseball field. The reception was a reception. 'Nuff said.
Actually, my sister-in-law was my 'date' for the reception. She's funny when she's drunk!! We ditched the reception by 9:30pm to go to a bar in my hometown. That was fun. I hung out with my partner-in-crime (at least she was until her second marriage). Plus, I saw some old friends. One introduced me to her new man as the girl that taught her a 'skill' he enjoys so much. I felt obligated to point out a difference in techniques (as reported to me a few years ago). Which only reminded her of the only one that would know the difference. Total loser in my opinion.

Speaking of total losers...
Partner-in-crime looks at me and asks, 'Do you smell that??'. She was referring to some thinks-he's-so-cool dude that has bathed in cologne. Too bad. It was a good scent -- if there hadn't been so much of it! I decided I needed to know what kind of cologne he was wearing. I also knew he would perceive my question as flirting. The fool.
Me: "What are you wearing?"
Drunken Idiot: (thinking he's being funny) "What am I wearing?? Well, a Rolex, a $5000 ring, blah blah about other expensive jewelry, blah blah his clothes..."
Me: "Don't tell me about all this expensive jewelry unless you're willing to give it to me."

15 minutes and much inane banter later, he finally answers the cologne question (with another ego rub)
Drunken Idiot: "I was at Northtown, and this guy opened a new shop. I spent $140 on a bottle this big" (fingers about 2 1/2 inches apart)

...But he didn't know what it was called. Moron.

I have to backtrack a few minutes here. After giving me his oh-so-clever answer about what he was wearing, he asked if I was available. We had been talking about two minutes.
Me: "Wait a minute. You are supposed to say Hi, How are you, What's your name before asking that."
Drunken Idiot repeats everything I just said verbatim, without waiting for any answers, and repeats the availability question.
Me: filing through all possible answers, can't find any I like and say, "That depends."
Drunken Idiot then begins to explain he isn't looking for a one night fling, he REALLY wants to get to know me. Did I mention we've only been talking for about two minutes?? Geez, I know I'm cool, but c'mon!
I proceed to laugh at him, since of course he's looking to get laid -- and he's not very smooth.
This only encourages him to convince me of his intentions. I have to laugh harder, shaking my head the whole time.

There's more. That's right. My interaction with this dumbass did not end there. I get invited back to his table, because he thinks he has the bottle of cologne over there. Since that was my entire reason for talking to him...

Ever been around one of those drunks that are so in love with the sound of their voice that you can't get a word in -- AND they insist you pay attention to them? Aren't they fun?

To alleviate any suspense, the cologne was British Knight or British Man or some dumb thing like that.
Just to make this faster -- Drunken Idiot claimed to have been married, had 4 kids, but left his wife when she got into drugs, went to school and played hockey in Boston, his uncle has a private jet, he comes from a rich family, and he himself is a millionaire. Oh, and he's kicked out of a local bar cuz he pulled a gun on a guy over a $100 dollar pool game. But he doesn't do that anymore. Oh no. Last February was the last time. (Dumbass)

He asked for my phone number professing how beautiful I was as he's picking up strands of my hair. My response? "I live in Tennessee." He then proceeds to tell me he doesn't care, he'll fly down to see me, he really wants to settle down, hair/beautiful thing repeated...
Me: "I don't want to settle down." Why tell dude I'm married? This is so much more fun!
He doesn't believe the TN thing, so I show him my license. That spawned a whole new topic. He noticed my last name, asked if I knew such-and-such (my sister-in-law), and I said I already told him that's who I was there with.
He starts gushing. She was his first girlfriend. Gush, nostalgia, etc... And would I go get her? (She was at a bar across the street -- the one he is banned from)
I stop at my partner-in-crime on my way out to tell her I'll be right back. Drunken Idiot comes up to her, telling her what I'm about to do, which is: go get my cousin! I never told him that. I didn't tell him jackshit about me. Dumbass just jumped to his own conclusions. Partner-in-crime looks at him like he just got off the short bus, and informs him that she's not my cousin, she's my SIL. He yells, "You lied!!"
Me: "No, I never lied to you..."
He is still going off, I walk out. I find SIL and ask her if she knows who I am talking about. She does not remember him at all, but is willing to go back and meet him -- especially once I informed her he was rich, and even if she didn't like him, she should use the shit out of him. Mean of me, you think? Nah. When someone spouts off constantly about how much money they have (confirming that they are totally insecure and believe you'll like them for their money), they deserve to be used. Idiots. Lucky for him, she won't use someone like that.
She meets him, sits with him, and still has no recollection of him. He buys her a beer, and she leaves the table. *laugh* It was probably coincidence that it happened at that exact moment, and she did say thanks for the beer as she was walking away.
There were many other drunks to tell you about, but why? You know them. The Heartbroken -gonna die trying to prove his love- Drunk Guy. The Droopy Eyed Old Man that always wants to dance. The Drunk wanna be-Sexy Slut (but she's not sexy - at all). The Friends of the Drunken Idiot (poor guys). Etc.

Actually, my sister's ex (The Heartbroken Drunk) informed me that Drunken Idiot did not play hockey in Boston, is not a millionaire, is not wearing uber expensive jewelry, does not come from a rich family, his uncle does not own a private jet, etc... And to stay away from him. Whatever. I can handle dumbasses. I am formally trained in dumbass-handling. Never Fear, I am here!

Drunken Idiot did stop me on my way out the door to tell me that the reason he remembers my cousin (nope, he didn't remember I was married) so well is because she was his first love.

The next day we went to Como Park (a zoo), and I took pictures of the cute animals. My SIL came to the conclusion that it's a good thing we live in separate states, or else we would get into a lot of trouble together.

Nah, it's only trouble if you get caught.

~Do not expand~