Less than three months

I've returned from my mother's house. She has hospice (is on hospice?), which basically means no doctors, just making her comfortable until she dies.

I also found out what the nurse's prediction on how much time she has left was. One month, sure. Two months, maybe. Three months, no way.

That little bit of news hit me like a ton of bricks. It probably shouldn't have, but it was the first time I heard a time period.

I couldn't sleep last night, and I ended up writing her a letter just so I wouldn't forget anything I wanted to say. A letter that I couldn't go back and read without crying. Well, couldn't go back and read, period. A letter I couldn't even hand to her cuz I would have broken down right then and there. So I put it by her bed (when she wasn't in it), and told her I left it for her.

During my 'can't sleep' night, I was trying to figure out how to get through the grieving process as quickly as possible. Not surprisingly, I didn't come up with many ideas. I was unprepared for how much it would hurt. It's not like it was sudden or even a surprise.
Then again, it kinda was. I truly believed even a brain tumor couldn't kill her. She's made of tough stuff. Delusional on my part, eh?

Last night I also realized I am going to have moments of crazy irrational behavior. Probably when I am trying to get over different humps in the grieving process.

My brother is not believing the time period. He firmly believes in the power of positive thinking. Imagine that. My Xtian brother telling his pagan sister about the power of thought! (He doesn't know I'm pagan. Think that might have something to do with it?) At this point, I think he is in denial. My sister (you may remember a letter to her a few posts back) is the alarmist in the family, my brother keeps everything inside, and I examine something from all sides while keeping a cool head. I like to think my brother and sister were just parental projects before I came along...
Anyway, my point is, if I believe it now, that means it is very likely to be true. With the knowledge that no one is able to predict with 100% accuracy how long someone has left to live, that is. The nurse could be wrong.

My mom said she is not afraid of dying. She has her God, and that is all she needs. I am happy that she has such strong faith, even at the end. It must be comforting.

I realize this is a sucky post to read. No one likes to hear about this stuff.

I also realize you guys care about me, and are there for me. Please don't feel the need to comment just because you think I'll need it.

However, if anyone knows how to 1: get through this asap; and/or 2: how to help my kid get through this without scarring her for life. I want her to be able to go through it naturally, without feeling like she has to hold back because of me, or feel like she has to take care of me. I go into a panic whenever I try to plan for this. I panic cuz I have NO IDEA what to do.

Most of the time, I'm okay. I'm not crying constantly, and I am still enjoying life. I just want y'all to know I'm not fragile, and yes, you can still talk about your lives. I'm still interested. I can still laugh.

So far, so good.


~Do not expand~