Latest picture update

Saturn 


Well, a friend told me how to do all this (and for that, I thank him!). Right now I am going to have to do it the hard way. Why, you may ask? Well, I'll answer you. (I'm nice like that.) I still need to learn how to resize the pictures. Yep, with new cameras come new responsibilities. Learn from my example, people!!
Now do I mind doing it this way for now? Why no, I do not! Again you ask why? And again, I'll comply to answer. (See how nice I am) My reason is simple: I am looking forward to learning all this new fangled shiny stuff. See, learning is kind of a hobby of mine... I highly recommend it.

And I'm off -- with a hop, skip, and a jump!

Really really need help

Nevermind. Pushing Space didn't work.

Empress

Isn't she beautiful?

At least this one has where it's from right on it. Now I am writing in the caption part for the photo. This can't be the way it's done. I can't push Enter at all, just Space. Like this. How am I supposed to start a new paragraph?  

I edited it a little bit. I couldn't stand how it was still in the Caption part.

So difficult, it can't be right

If only I knew that spell... 

Okay, so I published it, went back into Edit Posts to write this. Argh!! There has got to be an easier way!

Two sides to everything

I wish I remembered where this illustration came from... 

Here goes nothing...

Okay, I am going to try two things at once. I am going to try and write a post under a pic AND I am going to try and post a pic that isn't mine, but an illustration.


UPDATE: Obviously, it didn't work.

Advanced Help

I figured out how to post a picture.
Now how do I post it with a rant or some such thing under it?

The Godfather

Baby Thug 

Help, please

Okay, now I have a digital camera. This also means I could post pics on the internet. Like in the 'About Me' area of this blog.

Only one problem. I don't know how!!

Anyone out there that knows how to do this, I sure would appreciate any help you could give.

Thank you!

Commercials

Two commercials are blog-worthy.

The first one pisses me off in oh so many ways. It's a KFC commercial. Dad and two kids sitting around the dinner table waiting to be served, and the mom walks in carrying a bucket from KFC. All three ungrateful wretches lean forward, and sit back completely devastated. "I wanted Original Recipe" "I wanted Popcorn Chicken", etc. Does the mom bitch slap them for treating her like a freakin' servant? No. She coddles their stupidity by reaching to the middle of the table and turning the bucket so what they want is now facing them! It's this whole 3-in-1 bucket, and they all complained cuz what they wanted was in front of another person. How fucking lazy can you get!!!! Just reach an inch or so farther... Not only was I offended at the first part of the commercial when they are treating mom like shit (and, btw, mom was a little offensive too -- serving her family trash like that), but then she accepted and encouraged their behavior. I couldn't decide who to hate more: the lazy, ungrateful, stupid family or the mom for coddling the fat retarded fools.

Now the next one is worth mentioning just for Vincent. (He always complains about how men are portrayed as stupid.) Well, dollface, you're in for a treat! This is a commercial with a dad we can all relate to.

It starts out with Dad holding a cup of coffee, looking out the window at the snow packed wintry day. Mom enters the scene, looks outside to see their two kids shoveling. She asks about it, and Dad tells her, 'I told them if they shoveled they could talk to their friends as much as they wanted on their new cell phones.' (I paraphrased) Mom is confused, and says 'Can't they already? Didn't you get In?' He says, in a true dad way, 'Yeah, but they don't know that.' Mom says 'Looks cold out there.' Dad agrees saying 'Yeah, I'm not going out there.'
I'm already laughing and cheering 'Go Dad!' during the details part of the commercial, but then...
They go back to where the parents are watching their kids, and Dad takes a sip of his coffee and burns himself.
This cracks me up even more. I can't decide which is funnier: That he burned himself when his kids are freezing or That he thinks his suffering is worth mentioning while his kids are going through so much more.

Hate the first commercial, still cheer for Dad every time I see the second commercial. *takes bow* My first commercial rant!!

Dislike, not Hate

I think I am almost over my 'hating people and the world they live in' phase. Don't get me wrong. There are still lots of stupid people out there, but I think my tolerance is coming back. Not all the way back -- I couldn't do that to myself. Ugh! So now my patience is mostly back, but I'll still speak up is someone is being incredibly dense. At least I'm not biting everyone's heads off anymore...

Update #3

We celebrated Yule Monday night/Tuesday day. It was awesome. I was asked how many people were there, and I stopped counting at 40. Even though there were that many people there, it still felt small, intimate, and cozy. The way a holiday is supposed to feel.
We started out with a feast. And I mean a FEAST!!! It was potluck, so everybody brought/cooked something. Lots and lots of food.
Monday night (the longest night of the year) we turned out all lights, reflected on the past year, and welcomed light back in for the year to come (by lighting the hearth fire in the fireplace). Doing stuff like that really gives a holiday meaning.
What followed was quite natural. Drinking, socializing, generally spreading the love around... People brought in presents all night and the next morning.
And there were crazy people sledding...
Not just sledding either. Sledding down an icy (not snow-covered) driveway hoping they didn't hit any trees. At Midnight, no less. I just stood at the bottom with my new camera blinding people with the flash. Okay, not really. I mean, I stood there, with the camera. The flash was going off. But it didn't blind anyone surprisingly.
After sledding, we headed off to bed.
Tuesday morning meant champagne and gifts!!! Everyone got a stocking (even if they didn't bring one). It was very festive!! First breakfast, then gifts. Champagne started right away of course! And some mixed it with orange juice. I wonder how that tastes...
As for the gifts, they all came from the heart. Some were wrapped in fabric, others decided to go the old fashioned route and wrapped in brown paper and twine. We have a potter in our midst, and she made all of their gifts. Beautiful!! Husband received a homemade bottle of mead, and it is a year long gift. He gets a sample of any batch they make until next Yule. I was gifted a lot of beautiful fabric, and I can't wait to make something out of it. I have no idea what yet...
I sewed almost all of my gift bags this year. I figured if they didn't like what was in it, they at least got a homemade bag.
One of the coolest gifts my kid got (and it's probably so cool cuz I wouldn't think to buy it) was a Bio-Dome. It has an aquarium, an ant hill dome, a bug dome, and what is supposed to be a rain forest dome. You get it all set up with nature stuff, and then go out and collect bugs and such. My only worry is escaping critters. It is a very educational gift, and I really like that. Kid was so excited over everything, -- even a pencil in the stocking! -- it was hard to tell what was liked best.
After gifts, we had more family coziness before we had to leave. I didn't want to go!! I love all those people so much. They are constantly in my heart.

Update #2

This is my favorite update, and probably the most long-lasting one...


I finally got a .......................





digital camera!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know, I know. Who doesn't have one nowadays? But this is my first, and I cannot believe how much fun it is. I can take crappy photos, laugh at them, and then delete them -- all without wasting film. And I never get my film developed anyway. So it really is a waste of money. But not now! I have a camera and a computer. I'm set!! I've already emailed pics of Yule to Husband's mom. Of course she's thrilled. She NEVER gets pictures from us. If she wants a record of how my kid is growing, she usually has to take the picture herself. And since she's in another state... Let's just say that it is something brand spanking new for her to get pictures yesterday of something that happened 2-3 days ago.

I have been taking it outside with me, and taking all kinds of stupid pictures of the dogs. While we were gone celebrating Yule, I was taking pictures of the midnight sledding (and other things, of course).

I can't get enough of this camera. I think, to begin with anyway, I'll be taking it everywhere with me. Why not? If I don't like the pic, I can delete it.

Yay me!!!

Update #1

This is an old one, but here goes...

I finally watched Animatrix. It filled in a lot of holes for me. I like that different people did the animation. Made each toon different and interesting. Now I suppose I should play the video game. I don't know if I have the patience or the skill for that though.

I have also recently watched FearDotCom and Hellboy.
Hellboy was a fun movie. And safe enough for kids. Not a bunch of bad language, no sex... just superhero type stuff. One of my favorite scenes is when he punches the car and it goes flying over his head. I would love to be able to do that!!! The chick burning up isn't too bad either...
FearDotCom is not recommended for kids. :-) I liked the premise of the movie. I know the first thing I wanted to do was go to that site. Geez! Didn't I learn anything from watching horror movies? "I'll be right back..." I liked how when you thought it should be over, it wasn't. Good twist.

Breathing again

I got a phone call last night from my mom. She had an appointment with her doctor to see how her brain is doing since surgery.
They found a new spot on her brain (right over her motor skills), and they had to do a biopsy on it today. She went in at 6:30am (central time) for some pre-op stuff, and surgery was at 8:30am. I was told it was a very quick procedure. Just an incision, get some tissue, and get out.

I have been waiting all day to hear something. I found out from my niece that they would find out today or a week from now.
I've called my brother and left messages to keep him updated (what little I knew). Since I was home alone, I was freaking out going through all the 'what ifs' in my head. I've been wondering if I'll be packing my bags to stay at the hospital (if it's malignant).
I tried calling my sister (who jumped on a plane last night to get here), but her voice mail picked up. Same with my step-sister (who is also down here).

I did finally get a hold of my sister (she accidentally deleted my phone number and couldn't call).
The surgery went fine. They had to shave a 2x3inch square on the top front of my mom's head. They made an incision, stuck a needle in, and sucked some tissue out. They then sent it to pathology, and were told they would know something in a couple of hours.

About 3 hours later, the doctor talked to my family. Turns out it is something called Narcosis (no idea if that is spelled right). It is a result/side effect from radiation. Kind of like radiation scar tissue.
The doctor was very happy with that. He wasn't sure what they would do if it was malignant. Since it's placed on the motor skills part of her brain, if they had to do surgery again, she might come out of it paralyzed.

I'm feeling relieved for now. Pathology is still doing some tests (we'll hear the results next week) to see if there are any cancer cells.

So far, so good.

Redemption

Read this:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2092-781631_1,00.html

Finally!! Some JUSTICE for all the dumbasses in my life.

My sneaking suspicion that I am more evolved than they are is correct. Now, there's proof. Scientific proof. Take note!!
I've always known women were better than men...

My weekend

Hello folks! Get your weekend update here...


Friday: Cooked supper (a rarity nowadays). Ate supper. Felt full. (Okay, sorry. I'm just being stupid.) Our Trucker friend came over, and we all went Yule shopping. That was like a live jigsaw puzzle. We were buying for each other without that person seeing what we bought. Quite fun, actually. First husband and Trucker go through the line with Kid's stuff. And ran it out to the van. They came back in, and I gave Husband the gift for Trucker, and he went up and paid for that. At the same time, I handed Trucker a gift for Husband -- since he was buying something in electronics anyway. All spy missions were successful.
When we got back we unloaded Trucker's van. He'll be living out of his truck for a while (he's already in it 5-6 days a week anyway). He just can't justify paying for an apartment for 1-2 days a week. Anyway, he wanted us to hang on to some of his electronics. He didn't want to put them in storage where they might get damaged by the elements. A win-win situation. He's not worried about his stuff, and we have a better TV to watch now!!! Hooked up through a stereo and everything! Couch, here I come! After it was all set up, we watched The Ref. Great holiday movie. Lots of swearing, arguing, and gun waving. I love it.

Saturday: The day of the big Yule party. We still didn't know if our sitter was going to work out. Sitter's family was planning a surprise b-day thing for her (that she, of course, didn't know about). We finally found out she wouldn't be able to make it work. That meant, of course, only one of us could go. We had already decided ahead of time that it would be me. Only I really didn't want to go without him. I decided I would probably regret missing the 'big party', so I stuck to the original plan. I was also Sober Cab for the evening (I always am). The party was fun. I'm glad I went. I got to see some people I haven't seen in a while. The drumming was fantastic. There was a new rhythm I've never heard before. It caught my attention away from what I was doing. I got another hickey from my gay friend, and I wasn't the only one. I love that guy!! We finally decided to leave. When we got home, Husband was still awake and surprised we were back so early. I was even more surprised he was up. Pleasantly surprised. We played Playstation for a bit (Celebrity Deathmatch), and went to bed. I was so happy to be home and with him. Weirdly so.

Sunday: We spent a couple hours with Trucker before he had to leave. After that, we didn't do much of anything. That was nice. Husband did run to the store for some groceries. We watched Last Laugh 2004. It was pretty good. If it happened in 2004, they made fun of it. Or tried. There really is a lot to choose from. It's been a very weird year.

Well, there you have it. I'll bet you feel fulfilled, and can go on with your life after reading about mine. I know. I'm cool. *hair flip*

Fucking Father...

My dad called my mom. Twice. As far as I'm concerned, he should leave her alone. She says she knows how to handle him. She just hangs up.
He asked about me. He wanted my phone number. He was going to call me 'to set me straight'. As if that man ever could. Maybe he should work on himself first before trying to be all 'fatherly'. Too little, too late. Maybe he should have thought about his fatherly duties when he was caught up fucking his girlfriend after leaving my mom. Or maybe he should have remembered his daughter BEFORE he got drunk. He abandoned his little girl years ago when I actually still needed him. I've moved on. He needs to.
Strangely, he was sober when he called my mom. And, (I love her!) she did not give out my phone number.
When he couldn't get the number, he called my sister to get it. She didn't give it to him either. *laugh*
Now we'll see if my brother gives it to him...
He didn't remember my kid's name. He must not have remembered my husband's name either, or he would have called information to get my phone number.

He just needs to fall off the face of the earth. He's using up valuable space, and breathing air others deserve more than he does.

Just a few updates (before going back to bed)

I have been sick.
Who am I kidding? I still am. However, it has given me a chance to catch up on some reading.

I got to act in my Official Capacity for the first time last night. It's a good thing I know how to take notes!!


And....




I FOUND MY WEDDING RING!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!

Following the White Rabbit...

You know that phobia that prevents a person from leaving the house, and facing the outside world?

I think I am on that path. I think if everything keeps going in the same direction it is now, I'll become a hermit.

Change is something a person can depend on. And right now, I am depending on the fact that something will change. Change is inevitable.

I wonder if it will come in time....

My Weekend

I had a very good (and productive) weekend.

On Friday, my husband stayed home from work. It was so nice to be able to sleep in with him by my side. We almost never get to do that. After lounging around for a bit, we left to go get my kid's 'big gift' (there's always, at least one, every year). That was fun. I love buying for my kid! Back home, wait for school to be out, and left again to do some grocery shopping. (2 Productive things in one day!)

Saturday, we took my kid to Storyteller's, and stories were told, crafts made, and fun had by all. Go back home to get ready for a party (and a babysitter) in a hurry. Friends stop over. Kid is brought to the sitter, and we leave for the party (after only a few mishaps). The party was fun! It had a very homey intimate family feel. (Not really a surprise since we're all friends). There were great conversations (that didn't last too long), general teasing, and a lively attitude. Again, fun was had by all.

On Sunday, we got most of our Yule shopping done. Yay!! Just a few more people to go... We got back from that in time for my kid to eat and get ready for bed.

A very productive weekend.

Today, I am still feeling somewhat motivated. And that's a good thing. My house is now trashed since we were never home long enough to pick up after ourselves (and we did laundry -- plenty of clothes to be put away cluttering the place up). I have worked on my room already, and after checking email and blogging, I'll start on something else. I almost feel like a different person!!

Feeling Refreshed

I feel refreshed today.
I changed my normal routine. After my kid got on the bus, I checked my email (because it is supposedly important to keep in contact with the outside world). I looked at a couple other things online, and then turned it off. I crawled back into bed to read. I haven't done that in so long! I ended up falling asleep (and who wouldn't?).
When I woke up, I stayed offline and continued to read.
I remembered who I used to be before I got into the habit of being online at a certain time of day. I had thoughts of improvement for the house. I had thoughts of sewing projects I wanted to complete. I felt anticipation for tomorrow (Husband is taking the day off of work).
I don't feel like a drone any longer.
And I like the feeling.
I no longer have a sense of false obligation to follow my routine. It's strange that I ever did. I have a renewed sense of purpose.
I think one of the current phases I'm in is coming to an end.
It was good -- and it will continue to get better.

Thoughts, Guidelines...

I haven't really kept up with my blog lately.
Mostly I haven't felt inspired, but sometimes I had to verbally vomit on an actual person -- because I would be venting about a reader. And I know once I vent, and get it out, I'll be okay. That doesn't mean the people reading about themselves wouldn't take it the wrong way... I can be downright hateful.
I also don't like too many people knowing what is going on inside me. At least, not until I know for sure how I feel.
That goes against my goal of trying to be like all the other dumbasses out there. Although, I have become a little more outspoken.

So, a few guidelines:

~If I don't tell you something on my own, I don't want you to know. Don't ask.
~If I feel strongly enough about something, you'll know. Don't push me to 'spill' before I'm ready.
~There's a reason I don't mention names on here. Respecting privacy... If you don't know who I'm talking about, don't ask. If it is about you, I'll talk when I'm ready.
~In person, don't assume because I don't talk about something that I don't know it. And don't judge me by the people around me. People are stupid. (Look at title of blog)
~Here's a pet peeve: Don't assume that because I have an open marriage, I want to have sex with anybody/everybody. I don't. Most of the time, sex isn't worth it. It's usually a waste of getting naked.
~If you talk yourself up to me, I'll think less of you. Understated is best.
~I'm searching for honest, open, relaxed, mature adults to hang with. If you don't fit that criteria, don't expect me to stick around. It's not my job to take care of you. That's your job. Be responsible.
~Don't lie to me. Especially if you are doing it badly. You'll lose major points.
~If I am feeling anti-social, don't try and 'fix' me. I'll do that.
~If you are my friend (or want to be), we are equals. Don't patronize me. Remember, I know shit that you don't. I have also experienced life for a few years. Give me some credit.
~I look at things as lessons to be learned, not as stuff getting in my way.
~If you have a negative attitude, I won't want to be around you. Period.
~If you insist you are right when there is no way you could know, I'll think you're an idiot. A pompous ass. A moron. And not worth my time.
~In general, people suck. You have to be pretty damn special to rise above that. Good luck.

Nostalgia

During the last few days, my husband and I have been talking about our early days. We both remember different 'firsts'.

I found out he liked me the first time we met, and went about our relationship a whole different way than he ever had before.
We remembered about our first 'let's date exclusively' talk, and where it took place.
I reminisced about the first time I met his mom.
We remembered the first time we had sex, and everything that led up to it.
I remembered my first confession to him, and how well he took it.
We talked about our first impressions, and how we kept surprising each other.

We also noticed how much we've changed and grown closer. I wouldn't give him up for the world, and he feels the same about me. These little talks have been very sweet, and remind me how much I love him.

The Unexpected

He grabbed my hair, and pulled my head back.
I said, "You better stop since you're gay."
He said, "What does that matter?"

I grabbed his hair, and pulled his head back.
He said, "You better stop that since you're a girl."
Of course I said, "What does that matter?"

He said, "Okay. I warned you...."

He pulled me over to the other side of him, bent me back over the railing, and went to work on my neck. He stayed in the same spot for quite a while-- until I said it was going to leave a mark. He pulled up and off, and said, "Yes, it will."

And that is how I got a hickey from my gay friend.


(Just for you)

I found love again

Last night, we had our Thanksgiving feast. We visited our nuclear family. I think that's the term, anyway, for the family you choose.
I have been so anti-social lately. It was so refreshing to be around people (yes, people-- not just a person that worked in the moment) that didn't piss me off.
It had that feeling. You know the one... The one you're supposed to have at family gatherings. The sitting around the hearth fire, telling stories, and just generally loving each other feeling. The feeling you see in old black and white holiday movies. The feeling that people complain isn't there anymore. Well, I'm here to say it isn't gone. I felt it.
I am so lucky to have these people in my life.
And for us, we were just using Thanksgiving as an excuse to get together, and have a feast. Thanksgiving (for pagans) isn't a seasonal holiday. Or, I should say, it isn't based on anything in nature -- like a solstice. It is our out-of-place secular holiday feast thing (to use a friend's words).
And, boy howdy!, was it a feast!!! It took two long tables to hold the food. Just the food. No one was sitting at the tables. There wasn't room. I was so stuffed, and continued to eat. When something tastes that good, I'll deal with the pain. From homemade bread to homemade cheesecake (not from a mix) and homemade pecan pie... How could anyone resist? *laugh* And no one did.
The beautiful thing is, we will be going back there Friday, and again, for Yule.
Going there was just the warm blanket I needed to curl up in on a cold winter's night. I feel so refreshed.

I'm Back!!

I'm back from my road trip. It was fabulous! *ding*

We went to Indianapolis, then to Chicago, and back again.
We were talking the entire time. It was hard to shut up. Except when PB4 (Psycho Bitch 4) called. Then I had no problem keeping quiet. Well, actually.... This one time he was purposely trying to make me laugh while talking to her-- just because I had to keep it quiet. It was fun.
We really got to know each other for the first time. It is kind of hard to get to know someone well when PB4 was always a noise factor. Attention whore from hell. If you weren't paying attention to her, she would force you to. Ahh, my head hurts with the memory.
We covered just about every topic, I think. It turns out we have a lot in common. AND we are totally opposite in others. We were both impressed with one another for some reason. He was impressed with me getting to be who I am now after what my life was like. (I was a little confused by this.) I was impressed he had held out so long with PB4. I never would have been able to do that.
Our childhoods were similar, but we reacted to them differently.
Also, I learned it is hard for two extremely laid back people to make a choice. When both people are good either way, how do you decide? But we somehow struggled through it. :-)
George Carlin rocks!! We listened to two different stand-ups by him. It was great. He was driving, and I was in the back lounging on the bed (We can't talk during Carlin anyway. Sacrilege!!). Carlin is crude, but funny as hell. I would so do him.
And... Check this out... It's unbelievable... He didn't pass out and die from hearing my music!!! I know, I know. Dude is a Superman. What's even stranger... He actually turned up the volume on a few songs. I am still floored by this.
I also learned just how much truck drivers can see into cars. The roof of the car isn't exactly a deterrent like I would have thought. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see anything I wasn't supposed to. From what he told me, people in cars think anything below the windows is hidden. So, they'll scratch themselves or some other thing they wouldn't do in public.
I also remembered how much I DO NOT miss the north. I noticed once again that I was breathing easier once we returned to the hills. Thank god the entire country isn't a flat field. How those people can stand it, I'll never understand. We passed by a lonely house smack dab in the middle of miles of fields. A tornado catastrophe waiting to happen. What do these people have against a few trees? Are they so awful every single one must be cut down? Just for safety reasons, I'd want some trees.
He has an incredible, and detailed, imagination. That was another way I was impressed.
I think I could be a truck driver. Except for that whole going in reverse thing...

Japanese Smiley

You are "Face with Glasses"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

Road Trip

Yep, that's right. I get to go on a road trip. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm just along for the ride (and the company).
But not just any road trip, in a compact -wish I could stretch my legs out- car.
In a semi. A tractor trailer. A big rig. I'll be riding with a trucker. How cool is that? Plenty of room to stretch out. There's a bed, for Pete's sake! Now that's luxury. Road trippin' with a bed.
And not just any trucker. A very cool friend of mine.
He says he's going to pick my brain. I should tell him to buy some ibuprofen. He's gonna need it. By the same token, I may need it too. I plan to do a little pickin' myself.
I'll finally get to hear what all the truckers says over the radio-- which, I've been told, is nothing nice. Apparently, kindergarten behavior comes through like a ton of bricks. It'll be interesting, to say the least.
It will be so different being able to only stop at certain places (due to the size of the truck). That'll take serious planning (which I will promptly forget to do).
I wish I had a new coffee mug. Mine doesn't work so well for travel anymore. It is too loved.
My favorite part of road trips are the trips, itself. Not the destination. All destinations begin to blend after a while-- but the trip? It's a very cozy, yet adventurous feeling. I like it. Just heading down that road... There is nothing like it.

They call me the Breeze...

Trust

Is trust something that can be earned back? I'm not talking about the idea of trust-- or even trust in theory. I am talking about when trust is actually broken, is it possible to get it back?
I would like to think so. I also think it would be difficult.

I think getting suspicious over non-actions is a bit silly. I think people should be judged by what they actually do-- not by what they felt like doing.

I feel like doing lots of things, but don't, because it would be wrong. Even in the heat of the moment, I'll keep my standards. I know how I'll feel after I do something I shouldn't-- and avoid doing it for that reason.

I believe every action -- good or bad -- has consequences. I also think, no matter what you are personally feeling at the time, you should think ahead to possible consequences. And if you did something wrong, you should hold yourself accountable. And accept your consequences.

And so, I enter my cave...

I am feeling very anti-social. Every little thing seems to be getting to me, and I have no patience for it.

Rudeness is bothering me. Like refusing to clarify a question. Or signing off on a conversation without saying goodbye. Or thinking you are the only interesting subject to be talked about.

Over-reacting, in general, is something that I can't handle, at all, right now.

I also hate when trust is betrayed. Especially delayed reaction to it.

I just want to curl up under a blanket and pretend the world outside my home doesn't exist. I don't want the phone to ring. I don't want anyone coming over. I don't want anyone asking me, "What's wrong?", or, "Are you okay?"

I'm just glad my husband is here, and knows what I'm going through. He thinks I should have a discussion over the trust issue, but agrees the other things bothering me aren't worth bringing up. At least, it won't do any good. It's not like it''ll change anything. And who knows? Maybe even the trust issue won't be resolved by talking about it, but Husband thinks it's worth a shot.

He is such a good man. I'm glad he's mine. I am very lucky.

A Joke

I got this in my email, and wanted to share the wealth.


A priest walks onto the bus, and takes the only remaining seat, next to a rabbi. The rabbi looks up and asks "Did you hear the one about us?" After a good chuckle, and a little small talk, the priest says, "I can understand why you would only want to eat food that was blessed, but I can't beleive that you're not permitted to eat pork!"

The rabbi responds "Actually, when I was about fourteen, I tried a piece of bacon."

"Really," says the priest. "How was it?" "It was ok," he replies, "but not nearly as good as sex."



Get it???

A Karmic Tale

I have no idea where this originated from, and therefore, cannot give credit where credit is due.

===================================================
High in the reaches of Mount Kailasha is the abode of Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction. One evening Vishnu, the god responsible for preserving the cosmic order, came to see Shiva. He left behind at the entrance Garuda, the half-man, half-eagle composite, who served as his vehicle.

Garuda sat alone, marveling at the natural splendor of the place. Suddenly, his eyes fell on a beautiful creature, a little bird seated on the arch crowning the entrance to Shiva's place. Garuda wondered aloud: "How marvelous is this creation! One who has created these lofty mountains has also made this tiny bird - and both seem equally wonderful."

Just then Yama, the god of death who rides a buffalo, came passing by with the intention of meeting Shiva. As he crossed the arch, his eyes went over to the bird, and he raised his brows in a quizzical expression. Then he took his eyes off the bird and disappeared inside. Now, in the ancient thought of India, even a slight glance of Yama is said to be the harbinger of death. Garuda, who had observed Yama's action, told himself, "Yama looking intently at the bird can mean only one thing - the bird's time is up. Perhaps on his way back he will carry away the bird's soul with him."

Garuda's heart was filled with pity for the helpless creature. That it was oblivious of its own impending doom further agonized Garuda, and he resolved to save the bird from the clutches of death. He swooped it up in his mighty talons, rushed to a forest thousands of miles away and left the bird on a rock beside a brook. Then he returned to Kailasha and regained his position at the entrance gate.

Soon after, Yama emerged from inside, and nodded to Garuda in recognition. Garuda greeted the god of death and said: "May I put a question to you? While going in, you saw a bird and for a moment you became pensive, why?"

Yama answered him thus: "Well, when my eyes fell on the little bird, I saw that it was to die in a few minutes, swallowed by a python, far away from here in a forest near a brook. I wondered how this tiny creature would traverse the thousand of miles separating it from its destiny in such a short time. Then I forgot. Surely it must have happened somehow." Saying this, Yama smiled and went away.

Slowly, but surely

I have been trying it. Giving into my emotions--without caring about people seeing me lose it. And you know what? It was kind of nice. I reacted -- just like the other folk do -- and I didn't get looked down on, or even blamed for how I was feeling. In fact, I have had offers from others to take care of the things that were bothering me. And they made good on their offers. It was amazing.

There is one thing I don't like about this new path: I hate other people taking care of me. And that weakness is a necessary evil if I'm going to become like everyone else. It's all part and parcel of the whole reacting emotionally gig. But here's the cool part: I can allow myself to react no matter what-- Before, I waited until I had my husband alone, and then vented to him. Poor guy. He had to take on so much.

I tried this on Saturday. I exploded/vented/ranted/cussed like a sailor to my husband and a friend. This friend has only seen me lose it once, and I actually felt guilty about it (and also restrained myself a bit). He got to see the venomous bitch side of me. He is so cool. It didn't rattle him a bit. He even agreed with the reason for my rant. Both him and my husband stepped up to the plate. Which was good. They could handle the situation much better than I could. I was so pissed off, I was shaking, getting chills, my stomach hurt, and my head felt like it was alternating between going numb and pulsating. I had no idea how I was going to get through the plans for the evening. But after a very hot shower, and some time to myself, I was able to deal.

Yay me.

Rest , Responsibility

I have to be responsible this week. Well, the beginning of the week anyway. I am going on a road trip Wednesday through Friday, and I can't be passing out. It wouldn't be fair to the driver. So, no sleep dep for me. I am still recovering from Friday night.
I was up all night, got a couple hours sleep Saturday morning, and finally went to bed about 3:30am Sunday. I figured I had better go to bed since I was starting to dream while sitting up on my couch.

It was a pretty good weekend all in all. If you like roller coasters...


BTW, does anyone out there know how to go back in time?

I give up

Quick note: I hate when I have feelings I'm not aware of--- especially because I am wasting my time with someone else's feelings. I don't explore my own at that time, and then forget to do it. As a consequence, the feeling festers and begins to have side effects. When I finally become aware of it, I wonder how I could possibly bring it up without hearing, "You're still thinking about that?", or, "You should have told me you were feeling that way". Yeah. That's right. Either I'll be made fun of, or it'll become all about how the other person was slighted when I didn't speak up. What the fuck ever.

Where's the aspirin???

Well, my headache is now back.

Everything that was a possibility for Friday night has fallen through. Which completely sucks.

And my kid can't keep her mouth shut. I swear it is physically impossible for her to stop this stuff from coming out. Well, it is probably genetic.

I don't know what is wrong with my appetite. It seems to have gone through the roof. Even when I know I've eaten enough, I'm still hungry. Oh well. Probably just a phase. I hope it passes soon. Today would be nice. And it wouldn't be so bad, but the stuff I'm craving is junk. Maybe it has something to do with the purge. I just might have more room. What a lovely thought. (hint of sarcasm there)

I am so tired, and I don't know why. I think my sleep schedule has been okay. Catching up on sleep, and all that rot. I even passed out last night beyond normal unconsciousness. And slept in. Here it is, 6 pm, and I just want to sit on the couch and possibly fall asleep. But I have a list in my head that needs to get done in a certain amount of time. Exhausting to even think about.

And the Magic 8 Ball says...

I am not a mind reader. And, as such, there will be times I won't understand what you mean exactly with just one sentence.
And if I don't understand, I will ask for clarification. And if you can't be bothered because you assume I should know, it's insulting. It's also one of my pet peeves.
It's also just fine if you choose to do it repeatedly. I guess if you don't want me to understand you, that's your prerogative. In my opinion, it makes things more difficult... But hey, that is only one village idiot's opinion. And probably not as important as your own.
I bow before your vast and omnipotent knowledge.

I have a headache

I hate Veteran's Day. I know I probably shouldn't. Why can't we just throw a big party for the veterans, instead of hearing misinformed children spout off about freedom we don't have?
I was privileged enough to go to a solemn school function honoring our veterans--and the people 'gone' right now. That's right-- gone. Not fighting, not wasting time and money, not being Bush's puppets... Just gone.
And the school was thoughtful enough to let the 5th graders give 'What Freedom Means To Me' speeches. Personally, I would have rather heard from the adults-- at least they know what freedom actually is, not just what they've read in a textbook.
I got to hear what our constitutional rights were--including freedom of religion, and how we can all worship the way we want. Yeah right. As long as you are Christian, you can go to whatever church you want. That's okay. That's accepted. So, do you think I could hang a huge pentagram of protection on my house, and everyone would be fine? They would just say it was my right? Or would they start talking about how we were devil-worshippers? Would there be whispers behind hands as we pass? Would there be sympathy for my kid because she has to grow up this way? Would we suddenly be in need of our souls being saved? Would the kids in school-- that don't even know about the different religions-- follow their parents lead, and mistreat my kid? Yeah, we're fucking free all right.
I just love how we Americans pat ourselves on the back for being 'free'. Why can't we just admit to ourselves we are completely fucked up-- but don't want anyone else to see it, so we bully other countries by shoving our cocks down their throats... At least while a man is in office, anyway.

I'm fine

I am fine (in case anyone is wondering if I lost my mind). I haven't. I was just really sick of other people's feelings being more important than mine-- all the time.

I also am sick of everyone staying in their self-destructive patterns.

But I purged, and feel better. And I guess I'm back to normal, or so Husband says.

I still don't want to put up with stupid shit. Fair warning! If I see some dumb behavior, and have an urge to say something, I will. I am going to choose my feelings for a change. Y'all can change for me. *happy sigh* That'll be nice.

And maybe, if I am no longer coddling you, you will actually change and progress. Think of my bitchiness as an opportunity for growth. :-) (Oh! Look! I just was a little bitchy! Cool.) I'm liking this already.

Yep, all this starting coming to the surface weeks ago. I wasn't fully aware of it, however. The last time I blogged was the same day it was discovered and pulled out of me. (Thank you!!) I was completely normal yesterday. I still feel good. Chipper even. Could possibly be jolly.

I'm done

I've decided to hell with my high standards. I am so sick of holding myself up to what is right---when everyone around me doesn't give a shit. They react EMOTIONALLY to situations. They are allowed to. Why? Because they don't care enough to make the change. They all just coast along in their happy misery. They can act stupid. They can put their foot in their mouths. They can expect others to just fucking accept it. And I am the one always stepping up to the plate. I face my fears. I deal with my insecurities without getting crippled. And now it is expected of me. People in my life are so used to me being the level headed one. I can think clearly even when pissed. I am expected to carry them, and be responsible for them AND myself. They can look up to me-- or just be thankful I helped them through something. Well, where's mine? I want to fuck up. I want to make mistakes. I want to just let loose of my emotional control. I am sick of doing everything right, no matter what. All these people let their issues and emotions direct their actions--and don't bother to think ahead. Why should they? Someone else will pick up the pieces. Someone else will be understanding. Someone else will be kind and adjust to their shit. Yeah. Great. I AM that someone else. I am who they turn to when they can't be strong enough to deal with their shit on their own. Which is stupid. All they do is talk, bitch, complain, cry .. whatever. And then go back to the stupidity that is their life with a goofy happy grin because someone else is now carrying their problems. Well, I don't see why I need to do that shit anymore. I don't want to be the bigger person anymore. So what if I turn into a total bitch because I'm just saying/doing what I feel. They can be the ones to deal for a change. I am tired. So very tired. At the moment, I can't think of one other person that is on par with me. That's a lot of responsibility to take on. I don't want to be responsible anymore. I want to be the lesser person. And what's frustrating, even if I do this-- they'll all believe it's just a phase I'm going through. They won't be able to accept I might be making a life change here. They won't think I'll do it for long because I won't like it. How do they know? How can so many people be wrong? If everyone is just coasting along in life, it must be easy, right? Why wouldn't I like easy? I mean, seriously, how cool would it be for someone else to pick up my pieces? I would no longer have to worry about doing what's right. I can just do what I want-- and everyone else be damned.

Update And Rant (the bonus package!)

Here's my update.

I'm off meat again for (probably) a few months.

I finally got to sleep around 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. By that time, I didn't even feel tired anymore, and didn't want to go to bed. But I did the right thing. *sigh*

I think the overly sexual feeling is dissipating. At least for now.

The dog that Tractor Roadkill was blaming us for (that wasn't ours) is now gone. Someone else came and asked us if we wanted the dog, but we would have to keep him tied up. He's a biter. We refused, and now the dog is gone. Hopefully Empty Headed Bitch will rise up and out from her delusions-- but I'm not holding my breath.

Okay, minor rant.

What the hell is up with the bloggers that create blogs just to leave comments on others? Seriously, it is as creepy as a stalker. If you have a blog, use it. Not just use your 'user name'---use your own actual fucking blog. And posting something lame, and just leaving it as is? Whatever. And especially when it becomes obvious you are mainly interested in the sex blogs? Way creepy. How about some sharing of your own? Or are you a coward? Do you like to lurk without giving anything? People like that really turn my stomach. Personally, I would like to see a little more effort.

Mmmmm...

I got my meat, and I ate too much. My stomach now hurts and feels way bigger than it should be.

But, Dammit, it was worth it!!

A Great T-Shirt

If I got smart with you-
How would you know?

Deep Thoughts

I'm going on sleep dep again. Hmm... Seems to be a pattern. And for some reason, I am handling it much better than in the past. At least, it doesn't take as long to recover from it. It hardly seems to take any time at all.
Stay up all day, all night, all day, and finally get a full night's sleep... and that's all I need. Weird.

And I'm actually craving meat. Not pasta, or something normal for me like that. And it can't be just any meat. I am having serious cravings. I must be lacking in something.

I could actually go out and hunt something-- and eat it raw right there. But I am choosing to be civilized, and wait for supper. Dammit...


On a different topic, I think people should constantly test themselves. We should all hold ourselves to high standards. We should also see how far we can go. I guess you could call them 'control exercises'. Tempt yourself with something you can't have, just to see if you can resist. I believe it makes a person stronger. It also informs you what your limits are. That's something else everyone should know-- their limits. And to bring yourself as close to the line as possible, without crossing it. It's good for the body and soul. And teaches you your desires, needs, and things you need to avoid.

It is also an exercise in Mind Over Matter. See if you can keep your mind functioning without giving into your body. Or get your mind to accept something (or believe something) that your body would normally perceive a different way. Like pain. Your body would normally flinch and rebel against any kind of pain, but if you can adjust the way your mind perceives it... It is possible to come away feeling no pain-- or at least, not have any lasting injuries. I know, for myself, I have a high pain tolerance. I didn't always, but when I was a little kid, I heard about the stoic-ness (is that a word?) of the Samurai. (I think that's who it was, anyway. And if it wasn't, sue me. I was a kid.) They would take all kinds of pain, injuries, and torture-- without changing their facial expression. I admired and aspired to that. I wanted to be able to have a 'poker face'. No matter what. I haven't reached that point yet. My face still changes. But I'm working on it. :-)

*hiding in my house*

Last night, even after I had calmed down (or so I believed), I still couldn't talk about the Should Be Tractor Roadkill woman. I had to actually stop the discussion because I was getting too pissed.

Getting too pissed to even talk about it? That doesn't happen very often...

So, after that, Husband went up the road to talk to her. Talk. Heh. Right. Well, he would be civil-- more than I could be anyway. He didn't want to go up there. He said he can't stand looking at her and her vacant stare. I swear, you expect her to start drooling any second... Or begin to chase some non-existent tail.

But of course, Skull Cracked Open And Find Nothing There wasn't home. So this means she will continue to blame us in that one track mind of hers. She reminds me a lot of Drunk Bitch-- only this one is sober!! And lives near me. And it is illegal to kill her.


I sometimes wonder what the world would be like if all the Stupid People were removed. But then, we wouldn't have test subjects. I guess they serve a purpose-- like rats in a lab.

But why do they have to surround me?

Geez, I find an intelligent person, and then get mobbed by stupid ones. Same pattern every time. Just once, I would like to get mobbed by the people that haven't gotten a lobotomy. Ahh... Now there's a fantasy...

Reminiscing

I swear there is something in the air lately. I have been feeling very... sexual. I love when these moods hit me. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to try, or have tried and enjoyed.

The ones I've tried, but never get tired of: The outdoor experiences.
There is something about the feel of the wind on my naked flesh. I look around and see the stars, the ground, and all the places people could walk in on us. I feel a thrill when there's a chance of getting caught. Every physical feeling is doubled in intensity. I can get turned on just feeling the feathery fingers of the wind brush across my skin.

Which brings me back to public places in general. The quick, yet intense experience is like no other. The knowledge that you have a limited amount of time that could run out at any second. It is an adrenaline rush. Especially when you can hear people around you, and you have to be quiet-- but all you want to do is make yourself known to the crowd. The feeling builds until you just don't care who sees. In fact, you want them to see, to hear, to feel what you are feeling--because what you feel is too good to keep to yourself.

I love having a contest of wills. However, that is not something I will describe. Either you know how, or you don't.

I love laughter and playing in bed.

I love running my hands down and feeling the definition of his muscles, the texture of his skin, noticing his subtle reactions with my fingertips.

I think I am just realizing again that sex can be enjoyable. Distracting even. It's nice to know there is nothing wrong with me.

I need a shotgun...

I hate stupid redneck bleach blonde fat moronic women!!!!

I got this call from one of our trashy neighbors today. She decided to blame us for something that isn't even our concern. She was full of threats and an ultimatum. Whatever. If she only had a clue.

I have had several run-ins with this bitch. Every time I come away with a pounding headache and an urge to shoot her and put her out of my misery. The world would be better off. I feel sorry for her kids. She has three. An older son that beats her. A younger son that is trying to be as bad ass as possible. And a little girl that is too young for me to be bothered by-- yet. God, she'll probably turn out just like her mother. Or worse, like one of the sons. They would be better off as wards of the state. At least then they would be watched.

Her younger son even pulled his shit on my kid. And get this: Dumb Bitch wanted us all to be friends afterwards, and even invited us over for dinner. AS IF!!!!!!!

I swear she wasn't just dropped on her head as a child-- her head was used as a hammer. Fucking Dumb Bitch.

I hate stupidity--in all forms. But the redneck variety really gets to me more than the others. False beliefs and threats. God! What is wrong with these people?!?!?

I'm being told she isn't even worth responding to. We should just ignore her. Now I'm trying to decide if that is the best course of action. And since I can't think straight through all my fantasies of her death at my hands... It's kind of hard to make any kind of decision.

Fucking Stupid Whore Bitch CUNT!!!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be great?

There are two kinds of schools we should all be required to attend.

One is a style school: A school where we will all learn what clothes/hair/make up looks good on us for our body type/skin tone/hair color. Wouldn't it be nice to remove all the eyesores?


The other is sex school: There are so many out there that don't have a clue what they are doing. I know I've been bored almost to tears before. And I'm not the only one. So many people believe that if the right area gets touched, it's good enough. Geez, People! It's not where, it's HOW. If it seems like you aren't putting any effort into it, or just doing the same thing over and over and over... Then, unless you are with an extremely sensitive partner, it won't have the effect you are hoping for. Besides, does anyone really want to be known as a lousy lay? No one does, yet very few work on improving their technique. It doesn't happen automatically. You don't just keep cycling through partners until you find one that likes what you do-- you should be able to please just about everybody (but not do everybody). Unfortunately, this takes effort. And paying attention. And you have to be willing to listen. And not get offended when someone describes what they like. All in all, you have to be comfortable with yourself. If you aren't, do everybody a favor, and keep your clothes on.

Damn it!!

I can't believe he's conceding. Hasn't anybody ever heard of patience? Geez, so we all have to wait till Thursday to find out. Oh fucking well. But no, after all this, he is just giving up-- because of a 'statistical improbability'. WHATEVER.

I, for one, would like to find out what the numbers say.

Recent Decision

I have made a decision. I am a definite fan of hair pulling.

And the next person that tells me to cut my hair, I'm gonna smack 'em with it.

A Random (Adult) Fantasy

I would love for this to happen sometime. At least, in my safe fantasy world...

I want to be overpowered by an attractive unknown guy. I want him to surprise me by grabbing me, spinning me around, and ignoring any exclamations I make. In fact, I want him to slam me against the nearest vertical surface, press against me, and kiss me-- until I forget what my exclamation was. I want him to notice when I start getting into it, and let me reach for him, touch him, let me feel comfortable... And then slam me back, restraining any kind of movement I might want to make.

And then just stopping... Walking away...

Again, allowing me to get comfortable with the new situation. Letting me believe that it was a random happening. Relaxing, catching my breath, moving on...

Until he makes it clear he isn't finished. He was just toying with me, making sure I knew he was in charge. I have two choices: I can give in or I can fight him. But I don't want to fight him. I feel myself giving into him. Anything he wants, I now want. No matter what poses, positions, or activities he chooses, I willingly give in.

And I never regret it.

*happy sigh*

You ever have one of those curl up and be cozy days? Today is one of those days. It felt like a crime to give up my body pillow, and actually join the awake and aware.
I felt so warm and safe-- like a lazy Sunday morning at the beach house, when you are all alone (no noisy relatives), and it's a beautiful day. You slowly stretch, and smile, and generally look forward to the day.
I almost wish there was a beach I could take a walk on today. With the dogs, of course.
At the same time, I am really enjoying hanging out in my comfy PJs, delaying as long as possible the need to get dressed. Because clothing will become an issue in a couple hours. Well, maybe not an issue-- but I will have to make myself 'public worthy'. At the very least, not pajamas. But maybe some of my hippie clothes that are as comfy as PJs... Now there's an idea.


On a completely different note... Does anyone else out there feel sorry for Mario? I mean, the poor plumber dude always having to run and jump (while getting burned, crushed, or beaten in the process) all for the love and safety of a Princess that can't manage to stay home for an entire day? And, to top it all off, he's never gonna get anywhere with her. She's a Princess, for Pete's sake! And he is just a short hairy plumber. Poor guy.

Happy Halloween!!!

We went trick-or-treating tonight. The kid really raked it in. We had to dump out her bag so she could get more candy. It may be possible that she was getting 'sympathy candy' at that point-- being the only kid with an empty bag. But I can't say for sure. She was getting handfuls, even with a full bag.

It was a really cool little town. They really go all out for Halloween. The whole town gets T-Ped. Almost every house was giving out candy. My kid asked to quit before we hit all of them.

I can't wait to see pictures!! Especially of the Freshly Fed Zombie....

They just keep a'knockin'

Jehovah's Witnesses decided to stop by my house the last two days. Yesterday, I didn't answer the door. Today, no such luck. Our inside door was open, and we were obviously home. Husband went to answer the door, and he couldn't believe what he was looking at. It was a true-to-life Stepford Wife. She had the vacant, earnest, brainwashed look on her face. Her skirt fell exactly to the knee. Perfectly styled hair. Her outfit even matched and was color coordinated to the man beside her (which was pure coincidence-- but still funny/creepy). He dubbed them the Plastic People.
My husband was actually able to keep a straight face when she said our neighbors were distressed about the world situation (as if she asked them). He (somewhere in there) said something about not being Christian (don't remember exactly). Brainwashed Stepford looked stunned for a moment, and asked 'So you don't believe in God?' He said he follows a different path, and is not interested in anything Christian. She wondered if he would mind if she read a passage from the bible. He would rather she didn't. They left. I wonder how long it'll be before they come a-callin' again.


Of course, the entire exchange had me reeling through flashbacks...

Time to celebrate!

They finally did it. It's over. We were all pulling for him. We were hoping he would come to the right decision. He did. Today. On his own.
And the best part? She picked up on it. She asked him if he was going to leave her. Amazing. She can have a smart moment. I think that's a first. Well, first I've seen, anyway.
The only bad thing is it'll take her two weeks to a month to move out. And I have no idea how she'll move all her animals. And knowing her, she'll get more critters before she's gone. At least she's moving out of state.
Also, knowing her, she will make his life hell during this last month. Who knows? Maybe she'll find that last human gene in her and actually be decent. Miracles do happen. Occasionally. We can only hope.

Here's the best thing of all. He gets to be friends and actually socialize with us -- whenever he wants! She won't be dictating when he can leave the house anymore. *laugh* She won't be dictating shit anymore! YAY!!! *throwing confetti*

Angst

I haven't blogged for a few days. I really should have been keeping up with it. Now I'm all full of tension and general irritation.

I cannot believe how many idiots are in my life.
Or I should say-- smart people that don't actually use their brains. Why let them go to waste? I mean, do you need to be told every tiny detail? What ever happened to hearing information and taking it to the next logical step? Not even deduction skills--just common fucking sense. Just general thinking ahead all on your own.

I swear the people around me need teleprompters. No original thoughts of their own.

Maybe I should talk s-l-o-w-e-r...
Maybe I should hand out notecards during conversations...
Maybe I should just stop having any expectations of others. They obviously have none for themselves.

It is unbelievable how much they live inside their own heads, but even more unbelievable that they actually expect me to reside there too.

I think it would be great to just be able to let go, and let someone else do all the thinking for me. Even better if they were to reside in my head... It would take so little effort on my part, but tons of effort on theirs. But, dammit!, it makes my head hurt to even pretend to be dumb or clueless. It's a losing battle. I can't win.

I could hole myself up and keep away from all human contact, but that would never work. It's not humans that bother me-- more like the sub-humans. And there are so many... Geez! Even cavemen thought ahead more than the general populous does. They had to to survive.

Maybe if I start holding guns to people's heads during conversations, telling them to think ahead or I'll shoot. Hmmm... Basic survival. Something to consider...

I feel like a yo-yo

I've been having one of those -going to extremes- kind of days. What is that--bipolar? manic depressive? Whatever.
I've been really pissed--but I've also been really happy too. Especially when I was in the toy aisle at the store. I was looking at the joysticks that can just be hooked up to your TV, and viola! retro games. I found a Sega controller with five games in it--including Sonic. I love Sonic!! Years ago, I used to have a Sega Genesis, and I never bought any game, except Sonic. And now I can replace it without having to buy a whole game system.
Some other day though. Today, Halloween make-up and blank CDs were on the list. My kid is going to be a zombie. The make-up is so cool. It has this stuff you put on, and then get to peel off to make flaps of skin. Yay! Rotting flesh!
I finally get to burn all the music that has just been sitting in my computer. I've had a bunch of playlists just waiting to be made into something portable.
And now to get more music...

YAY!!!

Boredom is gone!! Yay! *Cheering* *Throwing confetti* *Doing backflips*

After running all over town and back again, AND seeing a movie I've never seen, AND eating somewhere I've never eaten AND playing a video game I've never played (which I got to blow things up in)... I feel better. Much much better. No more numbing agent in my brain.

The movie was 'Shaun of the Dead'. I highly recommend this as a must-see. If you like zombies, anyway. If you've never been a zombie fan, and you go and see this and come away disappointed, you can't blame my recommendation. That would be your own stupidity for not knowing your likes and dislikes. But if you get off on mindless hungry monsters and killing without conscience--this is the movie for you.

I ate at IHOP for the first time (I'm behind the times, I know). Really good stuffed French toast. Waiter had an attitude, but I think he assumed I was drunk and could get away with it. Of course, I would assume drunkenness in me too-- I did ask for the kid's placemat and crayons... The security guard at IHOP (wait a sec, security guard at IHOP????) thought he was so cool cuz he was wearing a gun. Apparently, firearms completely negate any actions you may do while wearing them. If only I had known that sooner...

Twisted Metal (Black?) was the video game. Drive real fast. Blow shit up. How can you go wrong?

And now I am reveling in my favorite drug--sleep dep.

What a wonderful world I live in.

Now if I could only remember what day it was...

PCness will be the death of us all

There are cities in America (the Land of the Free) that are banning Halloween. Apparently, it is an offensive holiday. To Witches. It stereotypes all witches into having long noses and pointy hats. Which is kinda funny --- I know witches that wear the pointy hats for fun. And, come to think of it, long noses, too.
We can all celebrate Harvest now. But no costumes (because apparently clowns, fairies, and goblins are also offended). No parades, No trick-or-treating...

We all know Wiccan is a nature based religion, but having a problem with Halloween?? These Fundie protesters should delve into their history a bit more. And pull the iron rods out of their asses.

What I would like to know is -- When will they ban Christmas? Personally, I am really offended we all get soaked down with Christ at that time of year-- He's not even a god, just a son of one. Where is the Holly King? The Oak King? There are other gods out there that are being worshipped-- having one whole season dedicated to the son of a god is not very PC at all.

Boredom Set In

Dammit. I wasn't able to fight it off. But at least I'm aware of it this time.

We were talking about how it was last time. I remember feeling insane, because it lasted for a week or more. Husband thinks it lasted longer than a week. And that was the longest time it has EVER lasted. And I wish I could remember what broke it last time. I think I left the house by myself for a weekend or something. But I can't be sure. It was at least a year ago when it happened.

I have higher hopes for it this time though.

Our family has grown

We have decided to keep the two strays that showed up here a while back. They are both really good dogs, and have only gotten better the longer they've stayed.
One is a rottie mix, and he is so sweet and mellow. He's a leaner.
The other one is a shepard mix. He earned his keep when he protected us from Dumbass dog, and he has got one weird personality. I love that!
We've even named them. We're stuck with them now.
Thank god our other two dogs get along with them, or we wouldn't even consider keeping them.
And, bonus, who is going to mess with our house with four dogs right here?

Pagan Chick

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

Pagan/Occultist
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Spending your entire life searching various forms of philosophy and religion, you choose to observe everything and believe little. You're personality is one of truth seeking, nature respecting and god/goddess accepting. Lastly, you don't judge anyone, but if annoyed, you will exact some form of revenge. You don't believe in the Three-Fold Law.

Randomness

Food has lost all taste. Even trying something different for supper didn't help. No taste, no enjoyment. Very sucky.

I have shows to watch tonight, but for some reason, I have no interest in them. I'll be watching out of habit.

I think I am going to rest up for a couple days. Get my energy back.

I got to play with Yahoo today. As usual, easily entertained.

I'm actually scared. I can feel boredom creep up on me. I hate boredom. I never get the usual kind of boredom. It is insanely intense, and it doesn't happen very often. As in maybe once a year or maybe once every couple years. I always end up having to do something I would never do. Just to break the feeling. Hmmm... I wonder... Usually I don't feel it coming. Normally it just knocks me on my ass. Maybe I can fight it off before it's here in all it's glory. Here's hoping.

The Waiting Continues...

I am locked into a waiting game. Wedding chick called today, and didn't mention her wedding once. On the one hand, that's a good thing--- I'm sick of hearing about it. But on the other hand, I STILL don't know if she is expecting me to be in it!! I could bring it up. Sure, I could. But I only get burned every time I do-- which causes the wait to be even longer.
I don't think she has any idea how much this is actually affecting me. She probably believes I am just going along in life, skipping Tra La La, picking flowers, and not caring about anyone else around me. But in reality, I've had so much on my mind, I've disappeared off the home radar. And she is a major thing that is on my mind-- almost daily.
I have gotten to know the landscape of my mind pretty well lately. Now I need some of the other waiting games that I'm in to get a move on too... It really sucks because all the balls are in everyone else's court-- and they're just letting it ride.
Hello!! I have a life too!!

Know more about me..

Myers-Briggs-Jung Test Results

Extroverted (E) 54.76% Introverted (I) 45.24%
Intuitive (N) 55% Sensing (S) 45%
Thinking (T) 52.94% Feeling (F) 47.06%
Perceiving (P) 58.97% Judging (J) 41.03%

Your type is: ENTP

ENTP - "Inventor". Enthusiastic interest in everything and always sensitive to possibilities. Non-conformist and innovative. 3.2% of the total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I am a groupie

Or at least I would be if I could follow the cast of Rocky Horror around. As it is, I only get to worship the movie.

At the moment, I can't think of anything else that makes me so goofy happy. I feel happy and excited and, at times, strangely turned on by this movie. Tim Curry could be my Frankie any day.

Actually, I would love to see any guy dress as Frankie that could really pull it off. The guy couldn't be shy about it either-- he'd have to have the strut, the swagger, the blatant sexiness, and be extremely sexual while dressed that way. He would have to embody Frankie. Move those hips!! Let's see that cut groin! And those biceps..

In just seven days....

But that would be one sure fire way to get me into bed.. Dress and act like the sex object that is Frankie.

You know, every time I see Tim Curry, no matter what part he's playing, I see Frankie.

Inner child

Last night, I was able to get in touch with my inner child (like that is a stretch for me :-> ).

We made smores, and told fun stories from our past-- some were a little scary too...

I felt like I was a kid at summer camp (even though I've never been to one). I was half expecting to hear some noise out in the woods that would make us all scream and run. Or an 'adult' to jump out and try to scare us...

All in all, a very good night.

No Self Respect or Exhibitionist?

Last night I saw this girl-- she was standing between two guys. The guy on the right was being a gentleman, and had his arm around her waist. The guy on the left was not. He ran his hand up her inner thigh, under her skirt... I couldn't see what he was doing exactly-- just that his hand was moving. At times, he would lift the back of her skirt, and we would all get to see what she had under there.

She didn't really respond to him doing this. So my question is--Is she an exhibitionist or does she have low/no self respect?

If she is an exhibitionist and/or was trying to get away with something... Then I applaud her, give her Brownie points, etc.

If it was a no self respect thing.. Well, that is just kind of sad. She was such a pretty girl too.

Captain Procrastination strikes again!

It is another one of those days. I blame my procrastination. I have a lot to do in a little amount of time (at least for me).

I have to figure out 2 different outfits for tonight. I have to shower. I have to get the laundry done. I have to make cigarettes.

And I have to have it all done in 4 hours.

I can feel the stress creep up on me like a cancer.

But I have faith...

Group of personality quizzes

Take the quiz: "How emo are you?"

Holy Shit Your Emo
Holy shit you actually are emo! Congratulations on not being a poser.

Take the quiz: "What kind of person were you in your past life?"

Knight
A knight ay maybe you should consider going into the army.

Take the quiz: "how sane are you?"

normal
wow your like the rest of the world congrats.

Take the quiz: "What should your nick name be?"

shorty
your loud and your proud.. and u hate your parents

Take the quiz: "Your Psych-Ward diagnosis"

Bipolar Disorder
Diagnosis: BiPolar Disorder
Sometimes severe mental disorder involving manic episodes that are usually accompanied by episodes of depression. The manic phase of the disorder is characterized by an abnormally elevated or irritable mood, grandiosity, sleeplessness, extravagance, and a tendency toward irrational judgment. During the depressed phase, the person tends to appear lethargic and withdrawn, shows a lack of concentration, and expresses feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and guilt.

Take the quiz: "What Kind of Soul Do You Retain?"

Free
You have an open heart and open mind and you chose not to let anyone get to you and the way you want to live.

Take the quiz: "The MOOD quiz! (With cool blinkies!)"

Crazy
You are... crazy! You flip out on everyone that gets in your way. You're just plain weird!

Take the quiz: "What group of people do you fit into?"

Goth
Goth.

Take the quiz: "What kind of girl are you?"

Mostly E's, You're a Punk Girl!
Tomboy, and totally into the chains, buckles, spikes on all your clothes. You wear black, yellow, blue, doesn't really matter. As long as you look punk. Even if you are punk, it's not like you wear thick black eyeliner or any of that crap. Your bands are mainly Good Charlotte and Reliant K, but you do like Linkin Park a little. Just as long as no one insults you and your punkish attitude, you're unauthorized to get ugly!

For all you health nuts

Take the quiz: "Which drug is best for you?"

Pot
You would do good with a nice joint now and then

Updates

Dumbass has officially apologized to me. Now I have to figure out what I should do.

The attention whore dumbass bitch's marriage may be breaking up. He DID say he's not sure if he even loves her anymore. He doesn't seem to care that she is flipping out about not being allowed back here. He was here today without her. It was so nice. It was so quiet...

I am physically still recovering from being so pissed off. I am being a total bum today. I'm trying not to exert too much energy.

My kid has been sick the last couple of days. She handles it so well!

I watched a B movie last night. It would be really great if they remade it. Good story, bad lighting. Slow start, and then confusion (in a good way).

I decided to expand my other online personality. I actually got an email address and an IM id for it. Now I have three fronts on which to wage war against Dumbass. And, bonus! an id to give to people I really don't care to talk to.

And it turns out I've been gone for the last couple weeks--physically here, but beyond that?... I guess I've been somewhere else, and didn't even realize it. I'll have to work on that.

My Attitude Problem

Take the quiz: "What type of attitude problem do you have? (pics)"

Your Sarcastic....Like me
This is supposed to be the lowest form of humor...But i think its the best because its mean and funny. Besides like me you probably cant help it anymore. Here's a phrase for you...

The group of Sex quizzes

I took a bunch of quizzes. Here are some of the results.

Take the quiz: "Worlds fastest sex test"

Blue
Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. Both men and women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please the spouse and never seeking outside interests.

Take the quiz: "How Good Are Your Orgasms?"

OH YES!
your orgasms are so hot they could melt a fucking iceberg

Take the quiz: "What kind of sex should you have?"

Kinky
You like whips, chains..... crazy stuff. You are creative with sex. Keep it going!!!!! I hope you have a partner as kinky as you, otherwise you wont be satisfied.

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Playful Kiss
The playful kiss is about you having fun and not needing to have feelings for that person. You just go with the flow!

Take the quiz: "What Is Your Kink?"

Nymphomania
You think eating and sleeping are just things you do in between having sex! The problem with there only being 24 hours a day is that there just isn't enough time to cram in all the sex you crave. Your mating call is JUST DO ME!

Take the quiz: "What Kind of Pervert are You?"

The Depressed Pervert
The Depressed Pervert: You are The Depressed Pervert, you seem a bit more distant than The Horny Pervert, you actually prefer your partner to find you instead of the other way around, but what goes through your mind. ( Ooou, the intimacy ) You could think of practically anything to turn you on, more than likely the person to be with you are going to have as much wild and wet dreams as you give them, even though you are not like The Horny Pervert, you still have your tendencies, perhaps writing your poetry is a great turn on for them. But you accept things as they come, waiting for them to make the first move, usually.

Take the quiz: "What do you love about making love?"

Intimacy
You love to be intimate with someone. You know every inch of them, you're big on touching and any kind of body contact especially cuddling though you need to feel comfortable with someone.

That 70's Show Character Quiz

I took three different versions of this one.

Which That 70's Show Character Are You?


You're like Jackie.

We wouldn't be surprised to hear that you know your hip huggers from your hot pants. Like Jackie, you keep up with trends and have a flair for fashion. You know that looking your best gets you noticed and a good outfit can make all the difference. Besides, a new pair of shoes or a funky shirt can bring you up when you're feeling down. Not that that happens too often.

For the most part, you're an upbeat and energetic individual. Maybe it's your good looks and great style. Or maybe it's your sassy spirit that kicks things up a notch. Whatever it is, don't lose it. You've already got fans lining up!



You're Jackie!


Which That 70's Show Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Take the quiz: "What that 70s show character are you?"

Eric
You are Eric . skinny , and smart mouthed , but funny

No More!

I am sick of being pissed off.

I am going to really work on ignoring everything for a few days. Or maybe just turning off my emotions. Or turn the coping switch back on.

I am really drained. I think I would pass out for days if I got that pissed off again. Not that I would try to pass out, but I can just see me getting pissed off again, the heat rises, and I just keel over...

I need comic relief. Fortunately, I think I'll be watching a very funny movie tonight...

Now if I can just dodge bullets until then...

I'm sick of all this shit

Wedding chick hasn't called back since our last conversation. Hmmm... Maybe she's pissed at me. And maybe I just don't care.
Gonna throw a hissy fit over this? Whatever. Knock yourself out. You should sell tickets. I would enjoy the show. I would love to see how you twist it to make me look like a really horrible person for not doing exactly what you think I should do.

I am picturing you standing on the pitcher's mound in a baseball field (with me in the bleachers snacking on something), ranting about me not working my ass off for most of a year (and not hardly seeing my family), missing my favorite weekend of the entire year-- and all for you.

Unbelievable! How could I do that? How could I even consider not wanting to give up my life for your one too-expensive day?

Whatever. I'm done. No more rants. I'm sick of them.

Let me hand you my leash....

I hate being told what to do. Or expected to act a certain way.... "And if you don't I'll be really pissed and take it as a personal insult"
And with the guidelines I am told to work within? Makes the 'request' even more impossible. In fact, I would be willing to at least give it a lame attempt. But knowing that if I tell this person I can't -actually can not- pull it off, said control freak will get offended, pissed, etc.
WHATEVER!!!!
So tempted to not participate at all. Of course, that would be worse. I know this, yet I still can't win. Because control freak won't think ahead to what could be worse... just what is Now.
Nice, huh?

Much better

Okay, after blogging and listening to Tennessee Ernie Ford, I feel better.
I vented.
I let a deep man's voice get inside me. I need to see if I like anything else by him... Damn! Goosebumps! :-)
There were a couple other songs too... Me and my strange music.
I can breathe and think again. I no longer feel like acting out my urges as Bitch From Hell.
I even feel like I could socialize again.
But the thinking clearly is the best thing about this feeling...
I hate being a slave to my emotions. Good thing I knew exactly what to do-- before I did or said something I would regret.

I still need more information before I'll agree to anything.
But at least I'm back in a mood to even consider it.

Pissed off

I am in a pissy mood. I hate secrets.

I hate when people avoid the subject. I mean, really... I say something and you don't even see fit to respond? Not cool. It's rejection. Like if you were to start kissing someone, and they just sat there and let you do it, but didn't kiss back at all. That would suck, right? Well, pretending I didn't say anything is the same thing. It is just plain rude. If it is supposed to be a game, you better make sure both people are playing. Cuz I'm not.

And I'm hoping this damn blog will help me start thinking clearly again. But right now, I am pissed off. I just need to decide if it is worth saying anything about-- in the mood I'm in right now, I mean.

It's treating me as if I'm something less. That's what I hate about it. How dare you put yourself above me? I mean, fine. Have your secrets. But just dismissing me with your silence? Not cool.

I may even have eventually gone along with the plan. I don't mind games, contests of will, what have you. My curiosity may have won out (it usually does). But I will not do something like that when I am treated as beneath you. Not a chance. As if I am a slave or a toy. Whatever.

Randomness

Most people don't like my music.

Strong sex is good. I highly recommend it.

I hate being unable to focus.

I hate pointless conversations.

And I really hate ants.

Juggling people is a very good test of a person's abilities. Again, highly recommended--at least once in your life..

I don't like people hanging on me-- even in their thoughts. Makes me want to shed my skin.

I hate people getting defensive. I mean, really, WTF?!

And vague comments without explanations. That really sucks!!

Laughing is a great thing. I think people should do it as often as possible.

Watching a good movie with a friend is fun. Even watching a bad movie with a good friend is a wonderful experience.

I hate awkward silences--especially one where I am expected to fill the silence. As if.

I am not a big fan of mysteries involving me, either. Surprise birthday parties and such-- not my favorite thing. I hate it!

The movie 'Tombstone' rocks! It's nice to see real men for a change...

Get Over It

Women that have been raped (especially years ago) that are still lamenting about it, really piss me off. My god! What does this say about your coping skills? Why advertise weakness? I wouldn't want to have a friend, employee, employer, relative that hangs on to an attention-getting event. What the hell? Do you think it says good things about you that you can't move on? Do you think it shows you are capable of growth and change? Do you think it shows ability to face your fears?

It shows you are weak. It shows the world you are a victim, and are content to remain one.

BTW, here's a clue: just because you were raped, does not mean you were victimized. Being a victim is a state of mind. And you are the only one that can choose your state of mind.

Think about what people had to go through in the concentration camps, or slavery. We're not talking about one bad event here. We are talking about lives not worth living. Yet, somehow, they managed to live on. They managed to find joy--even if it was a small joy. You could say they were victims. I say they were strong.

We could all learn from that strength. Life really isn't so bad--no matter what. It is all how you look at it. It's in your attitude. It's about desire. Do you desire to stand in one place while the world moves on? Or do you desire to live?

Me? I want to live.

Reasonable Fucking Rant

I wish people could see past the end of their own noses. They can't see where they're going, and get mad if you tell them they are heading in the wrong direction.
Whatever. If I say something--even something sounding mean-- I do it from a place of love. If I didn't give a rat's ass about you, why would I bother to say anything at all? And if I am so blunt it injures your fine sensibilities, then that is because you refused to listen when I used tact.

I wish people would stop thinking they know everything about everything. For one thing, it's insulting. If you act like that towards me, then that means you don't think I know anything. Insulting. As if my opinion, observation, knowledge is so inconsequential in the face of your own mighty worldly ways and experiences.

You know what? I am pretty damn smart, and I am not blind. I see more than people think. What?--Do you think I live only in my head?

What's wrong with looking at things from another's perspective? Or considering the different possibilities? Why would someone settle on one conclusion (without having all the facts), and then get worked up about it? I am so sick of attacks. Whether I am the one being attacked or someone else is... It's not fair when the attack comes from inside someone's head instead of reality. And it's not fair when reality is shoved down someone's throat, and they refuse to swallow. And they refuse to swallow from pure stubbornness. Fucking people. I wish the world would just grow the fuck up.

Guess what people? We ALL have issues. Denying them just makes it worse. And yet, almost everyone seems to be in denial. Walking around in a world without people connecting. Like we live on the same planet, but not the same dimension. Like people don't even care about making connections anymore, and begrudge those that do find them. As if they are wrong to trust, because pain will surely follow. Stupid fucking scared of their own shadow people. I am so sick of all this shit. It's exhausting.

It's pretty rare to find someone to be open with-- without either one getting defensive. When you find someone like that, it's worth it to keep them in your life.

But most people stay in their locked iron boxes, and think themselves safe. When really all they've done is close the coffin lid. Slow suicide.

Another Test

I am Progressive Girl Click on the picture below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

To go where no one else has gone before....

I took two more tests: Your Kingdomality and RQ Dragon Test (they were related). I do not have the links for them, so if you want to take them--you're on your own. :-)


Your distinct personality, The Discoverer, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to go where no one else has ever gone before. Regardless of the number of available natural problems to be solved, it is not unusual for you to continually challenge yourself with new situations or obstacles that you have created. You are an insatiable explorer of people, places, things and ideas. You thrive on constant change and anything new or different. On the positive side, you can be creatively rational as well as open minded and just. On the negative side, you might be an impractical and indecisive procrastinator. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms

Kingdomality Type: Discoverers in the Kingdom (Medieval or Modern)Discoverers are future oriented and are truly the research and development personalities. They want to be first at everything they do and they become easily bored with repetition. Once they have experienced the essence of something and have dissected its intricacies, they are naturally compelled to move on. They seek constant change and new experiences.Dragons in the medieval kingdom seem to have their modern counterparts.

How resilient would you have been then or now, and which Dragons appear to be most troublesome?

Hostility Results: ACTIVE - These Dragons are under control ...A score in this area indicates a healthy awareness of environment and self as well as a positive involvement with life and its give and take.

Busy-Busy Results: ACTIVE - These Dragons are under control ...A score in this area indicates a healthy awareness of environment and self as well as a positive involvement with life and its give and take.

Withdrawal Results: WARNING - These Dragons are getting close ... A score in this area suggests an over involvement with one's environment and a susceptibility to stressors. It is easy to lose sight of goals or direction because of continual sidetracking caused by the events. Dealing with problems tends to become reactive rather than proactive. Consider taking immediate steps to bring things under control.

Resiliency Results: RESILIENT - You are a Dragon Master! Stress is managed exceptionally well and this very healthy individual is able to bounce back from almost every situation.

Sugar Coated Pretzel

I am ready to fly off the fucking handle--whatever the fuck that means.. That is a really dumb thing to say-- All I can picture is some Tiny Tim creature standing on the handle of a frying pan, and jumping, falling, getting flung off the handle. Why would that express anger???
*setting stupidity aside*
Goddamn wedding BITCH calls again. We talk for a while... Then she has to go, but we haven't talked about us not talking for a month. Until I couldn't take the -sugar coated, glossed over, pretend this never happened, goddamn insides twisted like a pretzel- situation anymore.
Asked who was in her wedding. She doesn't know. Told her I assumed I wasn't in it. And.. dun dun dun... SHE got pissy with ME! She starts going off about how if I'm going to be mad about it, or resenting it, she doesn't want me in it--she doesn't want me to have to spend $1000--she doesn't want me being mad about the date it's on (worst day of the entire year for me, and her wedding is on it)--how fiance's sister is the ONLY one honored to be in it (and, to tell the truth, she should be honored--she's only a bride's maid cuz the fiance requested it)--and other shit. After her little rant, I said I assumed I wasn't in it because she hadn't called me for a month. Defensive response: "you didn't call either!" To which I could truthfully respond--yes. I did. (bitch)
Then the back peddling starts, answering machine, someone erased the message, finally discovered from caller id, blah blah blah....
Then she starts going on about how 'you have to live your life the way you want' (as if I needed permission), and how hard her and her fiance are working to earn more money to pay for the extravaganza... But the way she was saying it was in this patronizing, you gotta do what you gotta do type voice-- the message that came ringing through was 'well, if you don't want to think my wedding is the single most important event in your life right now, and you don't want to get a job and work your ass off for months just for me and my one day .. . well, you gotta do what you gotta do"
As if. I told her I was honored and flattered to have been asked, and I was over the date, it was strictly a money thing--- and (I said) honor doesn't buy money. (and yes, even the first time I said it, I realized how stupid it sounded... buy money... sheesh.. but it got the point across-- or would have if she wouldn't have been all about her)
Whatever. Bitch.
I offered to do the behind the scenes thing... (And she should count herself lucky) Again, me the fucking saint. The fucking saint doomed to hell.