"I feel good na na na na na na..."

My someone is no longer disappointing. I have a tiny bit of 'wait and see' going on, but that's normal for me. I'm trying to fight that. It's unhealthy... I think.

Anyway, we are back on track. I feel so much lighter today. I am smiling. I feel warm. Life is good.


Guess what! No really, guess...

Have you guessed yet?

No?

I'll give you a clue - Something is faster.


Was that a good enough clue? Did you figure it out?


Another clue - Going on MySpace doesn't piss me off anymore.



Well, that just gave it away, didn't it?
[Tangent: Cyli, if you have a myspace, let me know. I'd love to add you.]


Okay - back to it.


Maybe I should just tell you. You probably know anyway. Well, I believe only smart people read what I have to write (Yes, I'm delusional.), so I'm sure you know by now.



We have DSL!!!!!! No more freakin', goddamned slower than slow, can't be in the youtube world, is it even loading? dial up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!

I rock! My laptop rocks! Everything freakin' rocks!


And how are all of you? (Trying not to be self-absorbed...)

Road to recovery, I think.

Well, my disappointing someone and I are on the road to recovery. We have talked. Things seem to be back on track - almost. My fear of getting hurt again is impeding how I normally bounce back. I should just jump back in with both feet, but I feel like this tiny fragile little girl. Tiny fragile little girls shouldn't jump anywhere. I'm guessing it has more to do with psychology than actual facts.

I don't want anyone I care about to ever hurt me again.

It was so difficult not to lash out and make the pain mutual. All I wanted was to make this someone feel as bad as I did. I still hurt. Damn it. I hate weakness.

Don't tell me feelings (or whatever) aren't a weakness. Like I want to hear that. The fact is, I let myself be vulnerable. I really don't have anyone but myself to blame. If I am going to show weakness, I should expect to be hurt.

Funny thing is, I did expect it to happen at some point. I just assumed it would be accidental.

I am afraid. That's what it comes down to. Fear. I am chock full of it right now. All the 'what ifs' are circling my brain/heart like vultures waiting for something to die.

I should just fucking accept it. It's what I signed up for, right? I knew all this shit would happen going into it, didn't I? I knew it would be difficult and wonderful and painful. AND I knew all of it would be intense. I need to stop whining. Lie in my made bed and all that rot.

I am 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. At least, that's the mindset I need to get into. Deep breaths... and go!

(Hey, it's actually helping! I may be successfully repressing it!!!) (For now - I'll feel it later when I have time to explore it.)

Check.

Someone canceled plans on me tonight. I was really looking forward to our plans. Canceled at the last minute, too. After making my feelings about it clear early on in the day, I'm surprised it still happened.

Maybe this person is playing games with me. Maybe that's all they know how to do. Maybe I don't give a shit. I play games with the best of them, and I am making a huge effort not to this time.

I opened myself up, and look what happened. I knew better, too. Well, I'll know from now on.

I think L was relieved when it wasn't him or the Diva that pissed me off so much. Poor guy. He comes home from work, asks me how I'm doing, and I reply, "I'm pissed off." I was shaking, I was so... There isn't a word for it. At least, I can't think of the proper term right now.

I got a phone call. A phone call that upset me - to the point of showing I was upset. SO not me. I hear a threat at the end of the conversation - which I didn't even realize was a threat till hours later. That shows how threatened I was. I hang up and finish my cigarette. As soon as I step inside -don't even take my coat off-, I start composing the mean and evil email I was given permission to write. Just as I was getting started, L walked in. See? Poor guy.

When we were done with supper, L and I stepped outside so I could talk. Yeah, talk. That's what I did. As long as ranting, raving, plotting revenge I'll never act out, feeling hateful and hurt, and generally acting pissed falls under the category of talking...

Later L told me how relieved he was. He also thought I was tame in my treatment of this disappointing someone. L has actually seen me fully ON. It has been directed toward him before. Dudes, he knows. Tonight he said when I'm fully pissed off (and showing it), all I am missing is pair of demon's wings. That cracked my ass up! I could picture it so clearly. L is fully aware, as am I, that my disappointing someone is not ready for that yet.

I just need to figure out my next move in the Chess Game of Life.

Great quote that I am applying right now

"If you can't get out of something, get into it."

Par- tay!!!

I am excited. Stomach clenching flipping type of excited.

There's a big party tonight. Well, all weekend. If it is anything like the one last night, it's going to kick ass. I can't get ready fast enough. I've been feeling rushed all day. Of course I have. I have to shower. That's enough to screw up my day. I wish I knew why... You'd think after all these years, I'd have a system to speed up the shower taking process. I have a system for everything else.

The mood/atmosphere last night was incredible. I didn't want to go home. Although, we left at the right time. Whoa, crazy chick. Y'all should have seen her!

Not only was she disruptive during what was supposed to be the sacred part of the evening - disruptive, but memorable -, she continued to climb the scale of crazy. If you are crazy enough that everyone notices AND no one wants to take care of your oblivious ass, you've got a problem. Unfortunately, no one could tell her to sit down, go away, tone it down, or to dial it down ten notches. She would have no idea what you had said. In fact, as a bunch of us were huddled around her (she was cold and we were her coats, I guess), me and this other girl were both debating who got to escape and run far far away. We decided, when two other people showed up, that we were both out. I don't do crazy. If you can't handle yourself, I'm not about to.

She had to be directed around a sleeping child so she wouldn't step on him. There was a wall of people to keep her from falling in the pond. I was so tempted to let her fall in. It was cold, and I decided to be nice. She was kissing random guys. I don't think she knew they were different people. When she was directed to her choice of many empty chairs, she chose to sit on the one lap that occupied a chair. A lap that belonged to another guy she didn't know. He looked freaked when she started to let the crazy out. *laugh*

It was SO time to leave. I was not about to get stuck babysitting. I did that as a teenager. I'm over it.

This is why I can't wait to see what tonight brings. Plus, lots of cool people will be there. Maybe I'll even get lucky.

Yeah, right. As if I'd say yes...

Cold hearted bitch?

I have a friend. Let's call him Winston. We have been missing each other a lot lately. I got used to being able to talk to him. We have had time constraints. Damn time. There are so many things I've wanted to tell Winston, but I haven't had the chance. I think I've forgotten half of the shit by now. That makes me sad. Who knows? I may remember over time.

Winston's job is taking him elsewhere. Talk about time constraints. Like no time at all. It's gonna be all email. Don't get me wrong. I love email. Phone is usually good for me.

But...

I want it all. I like to have it all. Less than all is not what I'm after.

I am going to be sad. I am already pre-sad. I teared up a couple times this morning. That was a surprise! You'd think I was a girl or something. Or that this person actually means something to me. How'd that happen?

I have realized that I am willing to go to great lengths for someone I care deeply for. In my current place in life, I believed I didn't give a shit, and it was my turn. Someone needed to go to great lengths for me.

Apparently, I still have some warm blood left in this cold heart. With this realization, I know I can still get hurt. I don't know how I feel about that. I know I don't feel dead anymore. I have been so grounded for so long. It feels good to have some life back. I know L was worried about me. There were so many factors that contributed to my walking death. I wasn't worried about getting hurt, though.

I'm willing to pay the price to feel alive again. Whatever that may be. I'm sick of death.

The above sentences scare the shit out of me. I'm tempted to delete it. But I won't. Running away is not my style.

Damn feelings

I have this secret. A very secret sort of secret. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you type of secret.

Last night, in order to keep this secret, I stood out in the freaking rain (with some shelter) for an hour and a half. Now, I have no sense of time, so I didn't know it was 1hr and a 1/2 until later. But I knew it was longer than I wanted.

If I could have stilled the emotions, I would have been able to lessen that time. Alas, I was feeling all kinds of shit. Why the hell do we have this full range of emotions anyway? It just clutters up the thought process. Anyway, I got pissed off enough to figure out a plan. I hate when I have to get pissed to get smart. My plan totally worked, of course. Why wouldn't it? I'm that good.

Well, sort of. I did stand outside longer than I wanted... Damn feelings.

Acid trip with a hella hangover

I got in a fight with one of my friends the other night. Well, I'm not sure you'd call it a fight. I don't know what to call it. It was draining. It was emotional. It was a chess game. I had physical and emotional reactions to it. It hurt. It was weird.

For instance, we are in the middle of it. Not getting anywhere due to absolute stubbornness and justifiable righteousness. But then, crackhead that I am, decide now is the time to tell a story I've been holding onto. We laugh our asses off, and then go right back into whatever it's called.

An acid trip. That's how I describe it. It was so unreal, surreal, dream-like, etc. that it felt like an acid trip. When I got up from bed (both times), I had the most killer hangover of my life. All from this damn fight.

Here's basically how it played out.
He wanted something. He didn't communicate that. He expected (hoped) me to be on the same page. What he didn't know, I was on the same page, but could not follow through. I jumped through some hoops, thought it might be over, but I was wrong. It had just gotten started. I walked into the acid trip. It was unbelievable and went against my logical way of thinking. I wasn't dealing with logic though. I was dealing with a shrewd emotional negotiator. Chess game, see? I had to think about everything I said or did, had to think eight moves ahead, etc. I was so hurt, which, of course, pissed me off. Being pissed off is more comfortable than feeling hurt. I couldn't react to how I was feeling though. It was the strangest sensation. First of all, he's not ready to see me in full battle armor. He couldn't handle it yet. Once he knows me a little better, catches all the subtleties I have... Then I'll take him fully on. It ended (that night) with him feeling better as he went off to sleep, and me still stewing the next day. Dudes, I was steaming, ready to bar fight, told a friend I felt like I could take him (There's no way I could), you get the point. 10 feet tall, bullet-proof, and ready to prove just how bullet-proof I was. Of course, again, I couldn't completely show it. I did get to say some of the things that were in my head. Things about getting hurt and not gonna let myself be used for some cheap thrill. Not an exact quote. I did not tell him about the few times I felt like crying (but didn't) during the acid trip. He doesn't know me well enough to know tears are not a weapon in my world. I wasn't about to live with that wrong assumption. I had enough to deal with.

We did make up, and things seem to be back to normal. I am still feeling bruised and wary. I hate that. I am the chick that has full control of anything "me". Feelings, actions, whatever. I was to the point of telling myself it was time to open up, be completely vulnerable, take a bigger risk. Now I'm scared. I don't like that someone other than L can hurt me like that. It's very once bitten, twice shy. I feel weak, and I HATE that. Damn it, I'm not a weak person. What the fuck?!?

Here's what happened. Instead of remaining guarded that whole damn time, I let him in. I knew what he was like. I knew the risk I was taking. I should just suck it up and jump in. Forget how hurt I was. Erase the current bruising. Stop being skittish. Pretend that nothing happened.

Yep, I should do that.

I'm scared though.

I also know I'll get over it. I have to. This is me we are talking about. I will not be defeated.

Urban Dictionary - fauxtograph

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

February 21, 2008: fauxtograph

A fauxtograph is a practical joke in which the video setting of a digital camera
is used to trick the target into posing for a really long time for what isn't a
picture at all.

"Say 'cheese'!"

(person poses)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

"You're taking a fauxtograph aren't you? You asshole."

Have fun!

Did I like nut another to it send dummy a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

Clue

Read above post backwards.

Got this in my email and loved it!

How To install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and haven't eaten in four days."

Lots of testing this week for lots of people

It's been a crazy week, but not for me. There's been sickness and hurt backs - sometimes one right after the other. I have been so nurturing this week, I am ready to gag. I think I can only do this for a little longer before going out of my mind nuts. Don't get me wrong. There have been some really nice parts that I wouldn't take back for the world. But, good god - this has got to end soon. Mostly because I can feel my personal meter running out, and I don't want it to happen before it's over. That would be bad, very very bad. No one needs to see that particular inner-bitch. I need to keep her under wraps...

Now the other inner-bitches I'm okay with...

Well... Not all of them. Some of them I like, and others need to be reigned in. But hey, don't we all have something like that?

Guess what!!!!

I finally - after nine years, lots of tape, an ass ton of super glue, even fingernail glue when the super glue wouldn't work anymore - got new glasses!!!

That's right. I can take my new glasses off AND close them. They are not taped straight. Plus, oh my god, I have nose guards!!! My nose can finally begin to heal the almost permanent scratches. Oh! They are not held together by glue, so I don't have to constantly be aware of everything near my face. It's horrible to be thinking about hateful glasses when someone tries to hug or kiss you. Not anymore!! The absolutely wonderful, I'm still high on life thing? I have a pair of prescription sunglasses, and damn, I look cool! This night person almost wishes it was daylight all the time now.

Almost. I may adjust to wearing sunglasses at night like all those other dorks...