Acid trip with a hella hangover

I got in a fight with one of my friends the other night. Well, I'm not sure you'd call it a fight. I don't know what to call it. It was draining. It was emotional. It was a chess game. I had physical and emotional reactions to it. It hurt. It was weird.

For instance, we are in the middle of it. Not getting anywhere due to absolute stubbornness and justifiable righteousness. But then, crackhead that I am, decide now is the time to tell a story I've been holding onto. We laugh our asses off, and then go right back into whatever it's called.

An acid trip. That's how I describe it. It was so unreal, surreal, dream-like, etc. that it felt like an acid trip. When I got up from bed (both times), I had the most killer hangover of my life. All from this damn fight.

Here's basically how it played out.
He wanted something. He didn't communicate that. He expected (hoped) me to be on the same page. What he didn't know, I was on the same page, but could not follow through. I jumped through some hoops, thought it might be over, but I was wrong. It had just gotten started. I walked into the acid trip. It was unbelievable and went against my logical way of thinking. I wasn't dealing with logic though. I was dealing with a shrewd emotional negotiator. Chess game, see? I had to think about everything I said or did, had to think eight moves ahead, etc. I was so hurt, which, of course, pissed me off. Being pissed off is more comfortable than feeling hurt. I couldn't react to how I was feeling though. It was the strangest sensation. First of all, he's not ready to see me in full battle armor. He couldn't handle it yet. Once he knows me a little better, catches all the subtleties I have... Then I'll take him fully on. It ended (that night) with him feeling better as he went off to sleep, and me still stewing the next day. Dudes, I was steaming, ready to bar fight, told a friend I felt like I could take him (There's no way I could), you get the point. 10 feet tall, bullet-proof, and ready to prove just how bullet-proof I was. Of course, again, I couldn't completely show it. I did get to say some of the things that were in my head. Things about getting hurt and not gonna let myself be used for some cheap thrill. Not an exact quote. I did not tell him about the few times I felt like crying (but didn't) during the acid trip. He doesn't know me well enough to know tears are not a weapon in my world. I wasn't about to live with that wrong assumption. I had enough to deal with.

We did make up, and things seem to be back to normal. I am still feeling bruised and wary. I hate that. I am the chick that has full control of anything "me". Feelings, actions, whatever. I was to the point of telling myself it was time to open up, be completely vulnerable, take a bigger risk. Now I'm scared. I don't like that someone other than L can hurt me like that. It's very once bitten, twice shy. I feel weak, and I HATE that. Damn it, I'm not a weak person. What the fuck?!?

Here's what happened. Instead of remaining guarded that whole damn time, I let him in. I knew what he was like. I knew the risk I was taking. I should just suck it up and jump in. Forget how hurt I was. Erase the current bruising. Stop being skittish. Pretend that nothing happened.

Yep, I should do that.

I'm scared though.

I also know I'll get over it. I have to. This is me we are talking about. I will not be defeated.