Cold hearted bitch?

I have a friend. Let's call him Winston. We have been missing each other a lot lately. I got used to being able to talk to him. We have had time constraints. Damn time. There are so many things I've wanted to tell Winston, but I haven't had the chance. I think I've forgotten half of the shit by now. That makes me sad. Who knows? I may remember over time.

Winston's job is taking him elsewhere. Talk about time constraints. Like no time at all. It's gonna be all email. Don't get me wrong. I love email. Phone is usually good for me.

But...

I want it all. I like to have it all. Less than all is not what I'm after.

I am going to be sad. I am already pre-sad. I teared up a couple times this morning. That was a surprise! You'd think I was a girl or something. Or that this person actually means something to me. How'd that happen?

I have realized that I am willing to go to great lengths for someone I care deeply for. In my current place in life, I believed I didn't give a shit, and it was my turn. Someone needed to go to great lengths for me.

Apparently, I still have some warm blood left in this cold heart. With this realization, I know I can still get hurt. I don't know how I feel about that. I know I don't feel dead anymore. I have been so grounded for so long. It feels good to have some life back. I know L was worried about me. There were so many factors that contributed to my walking death. I wasn't worried about getting hurt, though.

I'm willing to pay the price to feel alive again. Whatever that may be. I'm sick of death.

The above sentences scare the shit out of me. I'm tempted to delete it. But I won't. Running away is not my style.