Road to recovery, I think.

Well, my disappointing someone and I are on the road to recovery. We have talked. Things seem to be back on track - almost. My fear of getting hurt again is impeding how I normally bounce back. I should just jump back in with both feet, but I feel like this tiny fragile little girl. Tiny fragile little girls shouldn't jump anywhere. I'm guessing it has more to do with psychology than actual facts.

I don't want anyone I care about to ever hurt me again.

It was so difficult not to lash out and make the pain mutual. All I wanted was to make this someone feel as bad as I did. I still hurt. Damn it. I hate weakness.

Don't tell me feelings (or whatever) aren't a weakness. Like I want to hear that. The fact is, I let myself be vulnerable. I really don't have anyone but myself to blame. If I am going to show weakness, I should expect to be hurt.

Funny thing is, I did expect it to happen at some point. I just assumed it would be accidental.

I am afraid. That's what it comes down to. Fear. I am chock full of it right now. All the 'what ifs' are circling my brain/heart like vultures waiting for something to die.

I should just fucking accept it. It's what I signed up for, right? I knew all this shit would happen going into it, didn't I? I knew it would be difficult and wonderful and painful. AND I knew all of it would be intense. I need to stop whining. Lie in my made bed and all that rot.

I am 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. At least, that's the mindset I need to get into. Deep breaths... and go!

(Hey, it's actually helping! I may be successfully repressing it!!!) (For now - I'll feel it later when I have time to explore it.)