Forever changed

The most amazing, life-changing, beautiful event happened. I finally was able to go to my city, New Orleans, for the very first time.

I have been dreaming about this for as long as I can remember - maybe longer than that. To go to a place you have never been, but feels so familiar is a wondrous thing.

I am forever changed from being there. I sobbed the night before and morning of departure. I could still call the tears up at a moment's notice.

I decided I want to live there. I would have to have dual-residence. I cannot leave my Fairy Realm world permanently. I need to be able to go to either place, at any time.

The energy of that place is so incredible. I didn't eat for two days, because I was so full feeding on the place. I will never live down the lack of food I had in one of the 'Food Capitols of the World". No problem. I am willing to go down there and not eat anytime.

The friend I was there with did the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was very much a 'window into the soul' moment. There were street people everywhere, and we gave out so many dollars during our stay. Most of them are probably living on the street due to Katrina. One night, my friend buys a foot-long from a hot dog street vendor. We get stopped after walking away from the cart by another homeless guy that is talking so incredibly fast and not making any sense. We stand there trying to understand, but failing miserably. Then my friend did something that crossed all language barriers - He offered the other end of his hot dog to this guy and asked if he wanted a bite.

I was stunned. Not at the generosity, or the fact that he offered food to the guy, but at the way he did it. He continued to offer bites, from one end, while eating from the other end. No parts thrown away or ripped off and given to the guy - just sharing a dog with a fellow man. I never would have thought to do that. Offer my food - sure. Eat off the same dog, never.

That simple gesture told me so much about him. It was just part of his nature, so he didn't see the amazement in it. I found out gestures like that are common for him. I wonder what that is like - to be so openly generous, to care about others -even strangers- to that degree, to be that compassionate? I understand all of these traits, but to that depth? Wow. That is saintly behavior.

In case you were wondering, homeless guy also received a dollar.

And that is just one of the many New Orleans stories I have - from waking up my friend who wanted to sleep on the street to me stepping out in front of a car completely oblivious to the frozen coffee to our 'Japanese tourist' day to Coop's Place to the kid that caught my hat... It goes on and on. I threw myself into the place 100%, and it is now a part of me.

N'arlins, I will be back!!

Motivational Poster

Diva is becoming a teen. Oh shit.

Little Diva's birthday is tomorrow. Her 13th birthday. This is her very last day of 12 - no 'teen' after her age, no 2 or 3 at the beginning of her age. I guess this is her last day of childhood (technically).

That's sad. Of course, Diva isn't sad about it. She's going to be 13, by god!!! I never thought this day would come. I prayed this day would get here. Well, she's been talking about her birthday, and what she wants to do on her birthday for the last eight months. She was 12 for 4 months, and then started planning her 13th. God, did that bug me!!! Not so much the planning, but definitely how often she brought it up.

Anyway, we are heading into one of the tourist towns near here on Saturday to celebrate. There will be go karts, and putt-putt (mini golf), and Fuddruckers, oh my! We'll do cake when we get back. We need time to let the burgers settle before indulging in sugar overload.

Tomorrow, we are taking her shopping for bedroom stuff. We want to get her a desk and a full length mirror - maybe a rug too. The only problem is we don't have ideas for smaller things. We were going to buy her a 'gift certificate' from one of our friends to trim her hair, maybe style it. *laugh* When I asked, she decided she could just give Diva that as a gift. That's one less from us. It's okay though. It's the perfect gift from her. I'm going to ask another friend about a manicure/cosmetics type of thing, which would be the perfect gift from her.

I am so excited for her. She has all these people planning on being there. We even have friends coming in from out of state. Amazing! I have always been worried about the turn-out for her birthday, but not this year! I feel such love for our friends. There aren't a lot of kids, so I'm referring to the adults that are making sure they are there for her. How cool is that!!!

Have I mentioned I love where I live?

Wise quote

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-Mahatma Gandhi

This was in my inbox, and it's beautiful in a very real way

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents,
you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would
be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.


I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends
just honk the horn when they
drove up they had to come up to
the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13, we
had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any
crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all
educated, honest adults. We are doing our best
to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Anyone know how this can be done?

Do any of you ever wish you could see how life would be if you weren't around? You know, a classic theme for Xmas movies or whatever. The whole 'I wish I was never born!' crap that some fairy, spirit, whatever shows how life would be so much worse without the pitiful person's existence.

I want that. I'm not saying I regret being born. Far from it. I'm not even feeling like I haven't touched people's lives. I just want an accurate assessment. The overall view, if you will.

Anybody else ever want that?

Back on flatland

Okay - not as emo anymore.

I'm back on track. This is what it is like playing chess with an adult. Thank god I love a challenge!!

A friend of mine brought over a very cool study aid. It was the thoughtfulness of it that touched me.

Someone else gained major points in my parenting book by asking a question in the perfect way. It was very appropriate.

Another friend's truck was finally sold. It's been on Craig's List for a while. Yay extra income!

L's new schedule still takes some getting used to. Today was his Friday. He's off for three days - again. Every week. I am still not used to this. It's pretty freakin' great! It is a much more relaxed environment around here on the weekends. I believe that will help our family life. That and the fact that I have actually been leaving the house more often...

It has been one of the most lazy, rainy, crazy, topsy-turvy, inactive, eventful type of day.

Conflicted

What are you supposed to do when you are required to give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy?

I know my automatic response is, "Fuck that!".

What if you promised something earlier, and in order to fulfill that promise you need to become less than what you are?

That is where I am conflicted.

When I make a decision or promise (really the same thing), it sticks. I follow through on what I said. Maybe I just give people too much credit. I assume that my promise would be enough - without conditions. No, wait. Not without conditions. There are always conditions. However, if the condition you require destroys the person you care about, it is not one that should exist. I understand conditions. I can't claim to love unconditionally. I have high standards. I want respect. I want my happiness to be considered. I want who I am to be part of the original equation. I also apply these things to the other person. I don't require anyone to do anything I wouldn't do. I have high expectations of myself and others.

I think I feel let down. I feel like I am about to lose something important. It's a very 'what's the point' attitude. I can feel myself sinking into depression - even if it is temporary.

Wow. I have been on such a roller coaster lately. My blog is turning emo. Sorry, guys.

I have been 'feeling' more lately than I have since I was a crazy mixed-up teen. So - very out of control, basically.

Well, this thing will turn out one way or the other. I don't like either choice. One way will effect me personally, and the other will effect anyone in the vicinity.

Do I break my promise, or do I change myself completely?

I have a short fuse these days

I had an amazing last couple of days. Amazing as in - is this really happening? I must be dreaming... Something is going on. Before you get your hopes up, it was not a good amazing.

My life, the last two days, have been like a series of dominoes falling on one another. There wasn't any one thing. It was one tiny thing after another - and overlapping each other.

I feel like I am going to lose it today. All I have wanted to do ~all day~ was chill the fuck out. I was pissed at my dogs, husband, and kid before my first cup of coffee. All I wanted to do was take the time to recover from that. No such luck.

I had moments of calmness, but it was false calmness. The moments didn't last. One of the times I was calm, I received a phone call that set me off again. Damn dominoes.

I'm looking for some sort of retreat-monastery-military camp that takes families of women who are fed the fuck up. Just for a break. A long ass break to get back in touch with me...

I miss me.

It's unbelievable that two bad frustrating days make me feel postal. Just two. That's it.

Well, it's good to know your limits. It's also good to know when your limits will be tested. I think I need to prep a little better for the limits test. If these last two days are any indication, I'm going to go insane - if I don't flow with things better.

"I feel good na na na na na na..."

My someone is no longer disappointing. I have a tiny bit of 'wait and see' going on, but that's normal for me. I'm trying to fight that. It's unhealthy... I think.

Anyway, we are back on track. I feel so much lighter today. I am smiling. I feel warm. Life is good.


Guess what! No really, guess...

Have you guessed yet?

No?

I'll give you a clue - Something is faster.


Was that a good enough clue? Did you figure it out?


Another clue - Going on MySpace doesn't piss me off anymore.



Well, that just gave it away, didn't it?
[Tangent: Cyli, if you have a myspace, let me know. I'd love to add you.]


Okay - back to it.


Maybe I should just tell you. You probably know anyway. Well, I believe only smart people read what I have to write (Yes, I'm delusional.), so I'm sure you know by now.



We have DSL!!!!!! No more freakin', goddamned slower than slow, can't be in the youtube world, is it even loading? dial up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!

I rock! My laptop rocks! Everything freakin' rocks!


And how are all of you? (Trying not to be self-absorbed...)

Road to recovery, I think.

Well, my disappointing someone and I are on the road to recovery. We have talked. Things seem to be back on track - almost. My fear of getting hurt again is impeding how I normally bounce back. I should just jump back in with both feet, but I feel like this tiny fragile little girl. Tiny fragile little girls shouldn't jump anywhere. I'm guessing it has more to do with psychology than actual facts.

I don't want anyone I care about to ever hurt me again.

It was so difficult not to lash out and make the pain mutual. All I wanted was to make this someone feel as bad as I did. I still hurt. Damn it. I hate weakness.

Don't tell me feelings (or whatever) aren't a weakness. Like I want to hear that. The fact is, I let myself be vulnerable. I really don't have anyone but myself to blame. If I am going to show weakness, I should expect to be hurt.

Funny thing is, I did expect it to happen at some point. I just assumed it would be accidental.

I am afraid. That's what it comes down to. Fear. I am chock full of it right now. All the 'what ifs' are circling my brain/heart like vultures waiting for something to die.

I should just fucking accept it. It's what I signed up for, right? I knew all this shit would happen going into it, didn't I? I knew it would be difficult and wonderful and painful. AND I knew all of it would be intense. I need to stop whining. Lie in my made bed and all that rot.

I am 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. At least, that's the mindset I need to get into. Deep breaths... and go!

(Hey, it's actually helping! I may be successfully repressing it!!!) (For now - I'll feel it later when I have time to explore it.)

Check.

Someone canceled plans on me tonight. I was really looking forward to our plans. Canceled at the last minute, too. After making my feelings about it clear early on in the day, I'm surprised it still happened.

Maybe this person is playing games with me. Maybe that's all they know how to do. Maybe I don't give a shit. I play games with the best of them, and I am making a huge effort not to this time.

I opened myself up, and look what happened. I knew better, too. Well, I'll know from now on.

I think L was relieved when it wasn't him or the Diva that pissed me off so much. Poor guy. He comes home from work, asks me how I'm doing, and I reply, "I'm pissed off." I was shaking, I was so... There isn't a word for it. At least, I can't think of the proper term right now.

I got a phone call. A phone call that upset me - to the point of showing I was upset. SO not me. I hear a threat at the end of the conversation - which I didn't even realize was a threat till hours later. That shows how threatened I was. I hang up and finish my cigarette. As soon as I step inside -don't even take my coat off-, I start composing the mean and evil email I was given permission to write. Just as I was getting started, L walked in. See? Poor guy.

When we were done with supper, L and I stepped outside so I could talk. Yeah, talk. That's what I did. As long as ranting, raving, plotting revenge I'll never act out, feeling hateful and hurt, and generally acting pissed falls under the category of talking...

Later L told me how relieved he was. He also thought I was tame in my treatment of this disappointing someone. L has actually seen me fully ON. It has been directed toward him before. Dudes, he knows. Tonight he said when I'm fully pissed off (and showing it), all I am missing is pair of demon's wings. That cracked my ass up! I could picture it so clearly. L is fully aware, as am I, that my disappointing someone is not ready for that yet.

I just need to figure out my next move in the Chess Game of Life.

Great quote that I am applying right now

"If you can't get out of something, get into it."

Par- tay!!!

I am excited. Stomach clenching flipping type of excited.

There's a big party tonight. Well, all weekend. If it is anything like the one last night, it's going to kick ass. I can't get ready fast enough. I've been feeling rushed all day. Of course I have. I have to shower. That's enough to screw up my day. I wish I knew why... You'd think after all these years, I'd have a system to speed up the shower taking process. I have a system for everything else.

The mood/atmosphere last night was incredible. I didn't want to go home. Although, we left at the right time. Whoa, crazy chick. Y'all should have seen her!

Not only was she disruptive during what was supposed to be the sacred part of the evening - disruptive, but memorable -, she continued to climb the scale of crazy. If you are crazy enough that everyone notices AND no one wants to take care of your oblivious ass, you've got a problem. Unfortunately, no one could tell her to sit down, go away, tone it down, or to dial it down ten notches. She would have no idea what you had said. In fact, as a bunch of us were huddled around her (she was cold and we were her coats, I guess), me and this other girl were both debating who got to escape and run far far away. We decided, when two other people showed up, that we were both out. I don't do crazy. If you can't handle yourself, I'm not about to.

She had to be directed around a sleeping child so she wouldn't step on him. There was a wall of people to keep her from falling in the pond. I was so tempted to let her fall in. It was cold, and I decided to be nice. She was kissing random guys. I don't think she knew they were different people. When she was directed to her choice of many empty chairs, she chose to sit on the one lap that occupied a chair. A lap that belonged to another guy she didn't know. He looked freaked when she started to let the crazy out. *laugh*

It was SO time to leave. I was not about to get stuck babysitting. I did that as a teenager. I'm over it.

This is why I can't wait to see what tonight brings. Plus, lots of cool people will be there. Maybe I'll even get lucky.

Yeah, right. As if I'd say yes...

Cold hearted bitch?

I have a friend. Let's call him Winston. We have been missing each other a lot lately. I got used to being able to talk to him. We have had time constraints. Damn time. There are so many things I've wanted to tell Winston, but I haven't had the chance. I think I've forgotten half of the shit by now. That makes me sad. Who knows? I may remember over time.

Winston's job is taking him elsewhere. Talk about time constraints. Like no time at all. It's gonna be all email. Don't get me wrong. I love email. Phone is usually good for me.

But...

I want it all. I like to have it all. Less than all is not what I'm after.

I am going to be sad. I am already pre-sad. I teared up a couple times this morning. That was a surprise! You'd think I was a girl or something. Or that this person actually means something to me. How'd that happen?

I have realized that I am willing to go to great lengths for someone I care deeply for. In my current place in life, I believed I didn't give a shit, and it was my turn. Someone needed to go to great lengths for me.

Apparently, I still have some warm blood left in this cold heart. With this realization, I know I can still get hurt. I don't know how I feel about that. I know I don't feel dead anymore. I have been so grounded for so long. It feels good to have some life back. I know L was worried about me. There were so many factors that contributed to my walking death. I wasn't worried about getting hurt, though.

I'm willing to pay the price to feel alive again. Whatever that may be. I'm sick of death.

The above sentences scare the shit out of me. I'm tempted to delete it. But I won't. Running away is not my style.

Damn feelings

I have this secret. A very secret sort of secret. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you type of secret.

Last night, in order to keep this secret, I stood out in the freaking rain (with some shelter) for an hour and a half. Now, I have no sense of time, so I didn't know it was 1hr and a 1/2 until later. But I knew it was longer than I wanted.

If I could have stilled the emotions, I would have been able to lessen that time. Alas, I was feeling all kinds of shit. Why the hell do we have this full range of emotions anyway? It just clutters up the thought process. Anyway, I got pissed off enough to figure out a plan. I hate when I have to get pissed to get smart. My plan totally worked, of course. Why wouldn't it? I'm that good.

Well, sort of. I did stand outside longer than I wanted... Damn feelings.

Acid trip with a hella hangover

I got in a fight with one of my friends the other night. Well, I'm not sure you'd call it a fight. I don't know what to call it. It was draining. It was emotional. It was a chess game. I had physical and emotional reactions to it. It hurt. It was weird.

For instance, we are in the middle of it. Not getting anywhere due to absolute stubbornness and justifiable righteousness. But then, crackhead that I am, decide now is the time to tell a story I've been holding onto. We laugh our asses off, and then go right back into whatever it's called.

An acid trip. That's how I describe it. It was so unreal, surreal, dream-like, etc. that it felt like an acid trip. When I got up from bed (both times), I had the most killer hangover of my life. All from this damn fight.

Here's basically how it played out.
He wanted something. He didn't communicate that. He expected (hoped) me to be on the same page. What he didn't know, I was on the same page, but could not follow through. I jumped through some hoops, thought it might be over, but I was wrong. It had just gotten started. I walked into the acid trip. It was unbelievable and went against my logical way of thinking. I wasn't dealing with logic though. I was dealing with a shrewd emotional negotiator. Chess game, see? I had to think about everything I said or did, had to think eight moves ahead, etc. I was so hurt, which, of course, pissed me off. Being pissed off is more comfortable than feeling hurt. I couldn't react to how I was feeling though. It was the strangest sensation. First of all, he's not ready to see me in full battle armor. He couldn't handle it yet. Once he knows me a little better, catches all the subtleties I have... Then I'll take him fully on. It ended (that night) with him feeling better as he went off to sleep, and me still stewing the next day. Dudes, I was steaming, ready to bar fight, told a friend I felt like I could take him (There's no way I could), you get the point. 10 feet tall, bullet-proof, and ready to prove just how bullet-proof I was. Of course, again, I couldn't completely show it. I did get to say some of the things that were in my head. Things about getting hurt and not gonna let myself be used for some cheap thrill. Not an exact quote. I did not tell him about the few times I felt like crying (but didn't) during the acid trip. He doesn't know me well enough to know tears are not a weapon in my world. I wasn't about to live with that wrong assumption. I had enough to deal with.

We did make up, and things seem to be back to normal. I am still feeling bruised and wary. I hate that. I am the chick that has full control of anything "me". Feelings, actions, whatever. I was to the point of telling myself it was time to open up, be completely vulnerable, take a bigger risk. Now I'm scared. I don't like that someone other than L can hurt me like that. It's very once bitten, twice shy. I feel weak, and I HATE that. Damn it, I'm not a weak person. What the fuck?!?

Here's what happened. Instead of remaining guarded that whole damn time, I let him in. I knew what he was like. I knew the risk I was taking. I should just suck it up and jump in. Forget how hurt I was. Erase the current bruising. Stop being skittish. Pretend that nothing happened.

Yep, I should do that.

I'm scared though.

I also know I'll get over it. I have to. This is me we are talking about. I will not be defeated.

Urban Dictionary - fauxtograph

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

February 21, 2008: fauxtograph

A fauxtograph is a practical joke in which the video setting of a digital camera
is used to trick the target into posing for a really long time for what isn't a
picture at all.

"Say 'cheese'!"

(person poses)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

"You're taking a fauxtograph aren't you? You asshole."

Have fun!

Did I like nut another to it send dummy a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

Clue

Read above post backwards.