My blog is always here for me...

I think I need to start blogging again. So much shit has happened, and there have been so many times when I felt I didn't have anyone to turn to. I forgot what a friend and what a stress relief my blog was. I can say anything here. I forgot I have always had this to turn to...

My bad.

I have been evaluating who my real friends are. My foundation has been crashing down around me, and this is my chance to rebuild. I get to choose. I get to decide what I want to build the rest of my life and choices on. It's really a fantastic opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. It sucks SO BAD, but that's how all great things begin, right? Right.

I have realized who has always been there for me, and I am keeping them close. Sticking them right in my foundation, as it were.

I have become stagnant on my spiritual/magickal/whatever-you-call-it path. I need to get going on that. Wait. I have become stagnant in one aspect of my path. There are other aspects that have grown leaps and bounds...

I am facing difficulties I once pronounced I would never deal with. See? Never say never. TRUST ME ON THAT.

I have constantly been making pro/con lists to make decisions about my life and the people in it. It's all about worth...

So- to the people I don't see all the time (or ever): Dollface, Cyli, Cricket - Still love you guys!!!! No worries there.

I have wanted to go off on so many people of late. That's not really my style, but Holy Shitballs! I've been so tempted to give in to it... And, if I'm going to be honest (and I'm blogging, so duh), I have lost my cool more times in the last 6 months than in the last 10 years. It's been fascinating to watch, but exhausting to experience...

People have never been my favorite creatures. Well, obviously... Look at what my blog is named... They have become even more distasteful to me recently. All the stupid ass, childish, behind-the-scenes, I-can't-believe-I-ever-called-you-friend crap has made me want to isolate myself. I LIKE me.

Isn't there a song like that? "I want you to be less like you and more like me" or something close to that... That's pretty much how I feel. Like I'm one of the few adults in a sea of very old children... Doesn't anyone care about growing up, personal responsibility, improving themselves and their lives, getting rid of hang-ups, facing insecurities and fears, - just becoming an all-around improved person? Doesn't anyone want to achieve anything greater than plain existence? Being born is not an achievement, hate to break it to you... Freakin' humans.

You know what else amazes me? People are so willing to throw me away before a careful examination. So stupid... Why would anyone want to remove a person of value and worth from their life? Is it some way to avoid looking at their own self? I hope not. That's TOO textbook, too easy.

Then again, People Are Stupid.

Freakin' sheeple...

There is this one chick that I used to be 'friends' with. I mean, not really, cuz she is incapable of being a real friend. But those things aren't always obvious at first... Anyway - she was my first 'losing my cool' that almost scared me. In 10 years of coming out to where I currently live, I have never shouted at anyone. I did get into a shouting match with this bitch though. On the phone. In front of company. My mother would be horrified (maybe). Now a shouting match is not impossible to come back from, but when I discovered she felt bad about shouting and NOT what she said while shouting, I decided she was definitely on the Con list. Effectively, she didn't feel bad about the heinous things she said to me - just the volume they were said at. What da hell? That's just stupid.

I have decided, if she wants me in her life, she can come to me and try to fix it. Not that she ever does something like that, but I don't need her. The ball is in her run-down court.

At the opposite extreme, and just as surprising, there have been shining gems of people that I have become aware of. It's amazing, refreshing, awesome (in the true sense of the word)... I feel blessed in that way.

Maybe the shitheads just had to become more obvious so I would see the ones that weren't... Who knows... Life is a mystery (and I love that!).

Okay, so I'm out. I must take Little Diva to Sylvan (another change) soon.

Forever changed

The most amazing, life-changing, beautiful event happened. I finally was able to go to my city, New Orleans, for the very first time.

I have been dreaming about this for as long as I can remember - maybe longer than that. To go to a place you have never been, but feels so familiar is a wondrous thing.

I am forever changed from being there. I sobbed the night before and morning of departure. I could still call the tears up at a moment's notice.

I decided I want to live there. I would have to have dual-residence. I cannot leave my Fairy Realm world permanently. I need to be able to go to either place, at any time.

The energy of that place is so incredible. I didn't eat for two days, because I was so full feeding on the place. I will never live down the lack of food I had in one of the 'Food Capitols of the World". No problem. I am willing to go down there and not eat anytime.

The friend I was there with did the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was very much a 'window into the soul' moment. There were street people everywhere, and we gave out so many dollars during our stay. Most of them are probably living on the street due to Katrina. One night, my friend buys a foot-long from a hot dog street vendor. We get stopped after walking away from the cart by another homeless guy that is talking so incredibly fast and not making any sense. We stand there trying to understand, but failing miserably. Then my friend did something that crossed all language barriers - He offered the other end of his hot dog to this guy and asked if he wanted a bite.

I was stunned. Not at the generosity, or the fact that he offered food to the guy, but at the way he did it. He continued to offer bites, from one end, while eating from the other end. No parts thrown away or ripped off and given to the guy - just sharing a dog with a fellow man. I never would have thought to do that. Offer my food - sure. Eat off the same dog, never.

That simple gesture told me so much about him. It was just part of his nature, so he didn't see the amazement in it. I found out gestures like that are common for him. I wonder what that is like - to be so openly generous, to care about others -even strangers- to that degree, to be that compassionate? I understand all of these traits, but to that depth? Wow. That is saintly behavior.

In case you were wondering, homeless guy also received a dollar.

And that is just one of the many New Orleans stories I have - from waking up my friend who wanted to sleep on the street to me stepping out in front of a car completely oblivious to the frozen coffee to our 'Japanese tourist' day to Coop's Place to the kid that caught my hat... It goes on and on. I threw myself into the place 100%, and it is now a part of me.

N'arlins, I will be back!!

Motivational Poster

Diva is becoming a teen. Oh shit.

Little Diva's birthday is tomorrow. Her 13th birthday. This is her very last day of 12 - no 'teen' after her age, no 2 or 3 at the beginning of her age. I guess this is her last day of childhood (technically).

That's sad. Of course, Diva isn't sad about it. She's going to be 13, by god!!! I never thought this day would come. I prayed this day would get here. Well, she's been talking about her birthday, and what she wants to do on her birthday for the last eight months. She was 12 for 4 months, and then started planning her 13th. God, did that bug me!!! Not so much the planning, but definitely how often she brought it up.

Anyway, we are heading into one of the tourist towns near here on Saturday to celebrate. There will be go karts, and putt-putt (mini golf), and Fuddruckers, oh my! We'll do cake when we get back. We need time to let the burgers settle before indulging in sugar overload.

Tomorrow, we are taking her shopping for bedroom stuff. We want to get her a desk and a full length mirror - maybe a rug too. The only problem is we don't have ideas for smaller things. We were going to buy her a 'gift certificate' from one of our friends to trim her hair, maybe style it. *laugh* When I asked, she decided she could just give Diva that as a gift. That's one less from us. It's okay though. It's the perfect gift from her. I'm going to ask another friend about a manicure/cosmetics type of thing, which would be the perfect gift from her.

I am so excited for her. She has all these people planning on being there. We even have friends coming in from out of state. Amazing! I have always been worried about the turn-out for her birthday, but not this year! I feel such love for our friends. There aren't a lot of kids, so I'm referring to the adults that are making sure they are there for her. How cool is that!!!

Have I mentioned I love where I live?

Wise quote

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-Mahatma Gandhi

This was in my inbox, and it's beautiful in a very real way

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents,
you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would
be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.


I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends
just honk the horn when they
drove up they had to come up to
the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13, we
had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any
crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all
educated, honest adults. We are doing our best
to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Anyone know how this can be done?

Do any of you ever wish you could see how life would be if you weren't around? You know, a classic theme for Xmas movies or whatever. The whole 'I wish I was never born!' crap that some fairy, spirit, whatever shows how life would be so much worse without the pitiful person's existence.

I want that. I'm not saying I regret being born. Far from it. I'm not even feeling like I haven't touched people's lives. I just want an accurate assessment. The overall view, if you will.

Anybody else ever want that?

Back on flatland

Okay - not as emo anymore.

I'm back on track. This is what it is like playing chess with an adult. Thank god I love a challenge!!

A friend of mine brought over a very cool study aid. It was the thoughtfulness of it that touched me.

Someone else gained major points in my parenting book by asking a question in the perfect way. It was very appropriate.

Another friend's truck was finally sold. It's been on Craig's List for a while. Yay extra income!

L's new schedule still takes some getting used to. Today was his Friday. He's off for three days - again. Every week. I am still not used to this. It's pretty freakin' great! It is a much more relaxed environment around here on the weekends. I believe that will help our family life. That and the fact that I have actually been leaving the house more often...

It has been one of the most lazy, rainy, crazy, topsy-turvy, inactive, eventful type of day.

Conflicted

What are you supposed to do when you are required to give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy?

I know my automatic response is, "Fuck that!".

What if you promised something earlier, and in order to fulfill that promise you need to become less than what you are?

That is where I am conflicted.

When I make a decision or promise (really the same thing), it sticks. I follow through on what I said. Maybe I just give people too much credit. I assume that my promise would be enough - without conditions. No, wait. Not without conditions. There are always conditions. However, if the condition you require destroys the person you care about, it is not one that should exist. I understand conditions. I can't claim to love unconditionally. I have high standards. I want respect. I want my happiness to be considered. I want who I am to be part of the original equation. I also apply these things to the other person. I don't require anyone to do anything I wouldn't do. I have high expectations of myself and others.

I think I feel let down. I feel like I am about to lose something important. It's a very 'what's the point' attitude. I can feel myself sinking into depression - even if it is temporary.

Wow. I have been on such a roller coaster lately. My blog is turning emo. Sorry, guys.

I have been 'feeling' more lately than I have since I was a crazy mixed-up teen. So - very out of control, basically.

Well, this thing will turn out one way or the other. I don't like either choice. One way will effect me personally, and the other will effect anyone in the vicinity.

Do I break my promise, or do I change myself completely?

I have a short fuse these days

I had an amazing last couple of days. Amazing as in - is this really happening? I must be dreaming... Something is going on. Before you get your hopes up, it was not a good amazing.

My life, the last two days, have been like a series of dominoes falling on one another. There wasn't any one thing. It was one tiny thing after another - and overlapping each other.

I feel like I am going to lose it today. All I have wanted to do ~all day~ was chill the fuck out. I was pissed at my dogs, husband, and kid before my first cup of coffee. All I wanted to do was take the time to recover from that. No such luck.

I had moments of calmness, but it was false calmness. The moments didn't last. One of the times I was calm, I received a phone call that set me off again. Damn dominoes.

I'm looking for some sort of retreat-monastery-military camp that takes families of women who are fed the fuck up. Just for a break. A long ass break to get back in touch with me...

I miss me.

It's unbelievable that two bad frustrating days make me feel postal. Just two. That's it.

Well, it's good to know your limits. It's also good to know when your limits will be tested. I think I need to prep a little better for the limits test. If these last two days are any indication, I'm going to go insane - if I don't flow with things better.

"I feel good na na na na na na..."

My someone is no longer disappointing. I have a tiny bit of 'wait and see' going on, but that's normal for me. I'm trying to fight that. It's unhealthy... I think.

Anyway, we are back on track. I feel so much lighter today. I am smiling. I feel warm. Life is good.


Guess what! No really, guess...

Have you guessed yet?

No?

I'll give you a clue - Something is faster.


Was that a good enough clue? Did you figure it out?


Another clue - Going on MySpace doesn't piss me off anymore.



Well, that just gave it away, didn't it?
[Tangent: Cyli, if you have a myspace, let me know. I'd love to add you.]


Okay - back to it.


Maybe I should just tell you. You probably know anyway. Well, I believe only smart people read what I have to write (Yes, I'm delusional.), so I'm sure you know by now.



We have DSL!!!!!! No more freakin', goddamned slower than slow, can't be in the youtube world, is it even loading? dial up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!

I rock! My laptop rocks! Everything freakin' rocks!


And how are all of you? (Trying not to be self-absorbed...)

Road to recovery, I think.

Well, my disappointing someone and I are on the road to recovery. We have talked. Things seem to be back on track - almost. My fear of getting hurt again is impeding how I normally bounce back. I should just jump back in with both feet, but I feel like this tiny fragile little girl. Tiny fragile little girls shouldn't jump anywhere. I'm guessing it has more to do with psychology than actual facts.

I don't want anyone I care about to ever hurt me again.

It was so difficult not to lash out and make the pain mutual. All I wanted was to make this someone feel as bad as I did. I still hurt. Damn it. I hate weakness.

Don't tell me feelings (or whatever) aren't a weakness. Like I want to hear that. The fact is, I let myself be vulnerable. I really don't have anyone but myself to blame. If I am going to show weakness, I should expect to be hurt.

Funny thing is, I did expect it to happen at some point. I just assumed it would be accidental.

I am afraid. That's what it comes down to. Fear. I am chock full of it right now. All the 'what ifs' are circling my brain/heart like vultures waiting for something to die.

I should just fucking accept it. It's what I signed up for, right? I knew all this shit would happen going into it, didn't I? I knew it would be difficult and wonderful and painful. AND I knew all of it would be intense. I need to stop whining. Lie in my made bed and all that rot.

I am 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. At least, that's the mindset I need to get into. Deep breaths... and go!

(Hey, it's actually helping! I may be successfully repressing it!!!) (For now - I'll feel it later when I have time to explore it.)

Check.

Someone canceled plans on me tonight. I was really looking forward to our plans. Canceled at the last minute, too. After making my feelings about it clear early on in the day, I'm surprised it still happened.

Maybe this person is playing games with me. Maybe that's all they know how to do. Maybe I don't give a shit. I play games with the best of them, and I am making a huge effort not to this time.

I opened myself up, and look what happened. I knew better, too. Well, I'll know from now on.

I think L was relieved when it wasn't him or the Diva that pissed me off so much. Poor guy. He comes home from work, asks me how I'm doing, and I reply, "I'm pissed off." I was shaking, I was so... There isn't a word for it. At least, I can't think of the proper term right now.

I got a phone call. A phone call that upset me - to the point of showing I was upset. SO not me. I hear a threat at the end of the conversation - which I didn't even realize was a threat till hours later. That shows how threatened I was. I hang up and finish my cigarette. As soon as I step inside -don't even take my coat off-, I start composing the mean and evil email I was given permission to write. Just as I was getting started, L walked in. See? Poor guy.

When we were done with supper, L and I stepped outside so I could talk. Yeah, talk. That's what I did. As long as ranting, raving, plotting revenge I'll never act out, feeling hateful and hurt, and generally acting pissed falls under the category of talking...

Later L told me how relieved he was. He also thought I was tame in my treatment of this disappointing someone. L has actually seen me fully ON. It has been directed toward him before. Dudes, he knows. Tonight he said when I'm fully pissed off (and showing it), all I am missing is pair of demon's wings. That cracked my ass up! I could picture it so clearly. L is fully aware, as am I, that my disappointing someone is not ready for that yet.

I just need to figure out my next move in the Chess Game of Life.

Great quote that I am applying right now

"If you can't get out of something, get into it."

Par- tay!!!

I am excited. Stomach clenching flipping type of excited.

There's a big party tonight. Well, all weekend. If it is anything like the one last night, it's going to kick ass. I can't get ready fast enough. I've been feeling rushed all day. Of course I have. I have to shower. That's enough to screw up my day. I wish I knew why... You'd think after all these years, I'd have a system to speed up the shower taking process. I have a system for everything else.

The mood/atmosphere last night was incredible. I didn't want to go home. Although, we left at the right time. Whoa, crazy chick. Y'all should have seen her!

Not only was she disruptive during what was supposed to be the sacred part of the evening - disruptive, but memorable -, she continued to climb the scale of crazy. If you are crazy enough that everyone notices AND no one wants to take care of your oblivious ass, you've got a problem. Unfortunately, no one could tell her to sit down, go away, tone it down, or to dial it down ten notches. She would have no idea what you had said. In fact, as a bunch of us were huddled around her (she was cold and we were her coats, I guess), me and this other girl were both debating who got to escape and run far far away. We decided, when two other people showed up, that we were both out. I don't do crazy. If you can't handle yourself, I'm not about to.

She had to be directed around a sleeping child so she wouldn't step on him. There was a wall of people to keep her from falling in the pond. I was so tempted to let her fall in. It was cold, and I decided to be nice. She was kissing random guys. I don't think she knew they were different people. When she was directed to her choice of many empty chairs, she chose to sit on the one lap that occupied a chair. A lap that belonged to another guy she didn't know. He looked freaked when she started to let the crazy out. *laugh*

It was SO time to leave. I was not about to get stuck babysitting. I did that as a teenager. I'm over it.

This is why I can't wait to see what tonight brings. Plus, lots of cool people will be there. Maybe I'll even get lucky.

Yeah, right. As if I'd say yes...

Cold hearted bitch?

I have a friend. Let's call him Winston. We have been missing each other a lot lately. I got used to being able to talk to him. We have had time constraints. Damn time. There are so many things I've wanted to tell Winston, but I haven't had the chance. I think I've forgotten half of the shit by now. That makes me sad. Who knows? I may remember over time.

Winston's job is taking him elsewhere. Talk about time constraints. Like no time at all. It's gonna be all email. Don't get me wrong. I love email. Phone is usually good for me.

But...

I want it all. I like to have it all. Less than all is not what I'm after.

I am going to be sad. I am already pre-sad. I teared up a couple times this morning. That was a surprise! You'd think I was a girl or something. Or that this person actually means something to me. How'd that happen?

I have realized that I am willing to go to great lengths for someone I care deeply for. In my current place in life, I believed I didn't give a shit, and it was my turn. Someone needed to go to great lengths for me.

Apparently, I still have some warm blood left in this cold heart. With this realization, I know I can still get hurt. I don't know how I feel about that. I know I don't feel dead anymore. I have been so grounded for so long. It feels good to have some life back. I know L was worried about me. There were so many factors that contributed to my walking death. I wasn't worried about getting hurt, though.

I'm willing to pay the price to feel alive again. Whatever that may be. I'm sick of death.

The above sentences scare the shit out of me. I'm tempted to delete it. But I won't. Running away is not my style.

Damn feelings

I have this secret. A very secret sort of secret. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you type of secret.

Last night, in order to keep this secret, I stood out in the freaking rain (with some shelter) for an hour and a half. Now, I have no sense of time, so I didn't know it was 1hr and a 1/2 until later. But I knew it was longer than I wanted.

If I could have stilled the emotions, I would have been able to lessen that time. Alas, I was feeling all kinds of shit. Why the hell do we have this full range of emotions anyway? It just clutters up the thought process. Anyway, I got pissed off enough to figure out a plan. I hate when I have to get pissed to get smart. My plan totally worked, of course. Why wouldn't it? I'm that good.

Well, sort of. I did stand outside longer than I wanted... Damn feelings.

Acid trip with a hella hangover

I got in a fight with one of my friends the other night. Well, I'm not sure you'd call it a fight. I don't know what to call it. It was draining. It was emotional. It was a chess game. I had physical and emotional reactions to it. It hurt. It was weird.

For instance, we are in the middle of it. Not getting anywhere due to absolute stubbornness and justifiable righteousness. But then, crackhead that I am, decide now is the time to tell a story I've been holding onto. We laugh our asses off, and then go right back into whatever it's called.

An acid trip. That's how I describe it. It was so unreal, surreal, dream-like, etc. that it felt like an acid trip. When I got up from bed (both times), I had the most killer hangover of my life. All from this damn fight.

Here's basically how it played out.
He wanted something. He didn't communicate that. He expected (hoped) me to be on the same page. What he didn't know, I was on the same page, but could not follow through. I jumped through some hoops, thought it might be over, but I was wrong. It had just gotten started. I walked into the acid trip. It was unbelievable and went against my logical way of thinking. I wasn't dealing with logic though. I was dealing with a shrewd emotional negotiator. Chess game, see? I had to think about everything I said or did, had to think eight moves ahead, etc. I was so hurt, which, of course, pissed me off. Being pissed off is more comfortable than feeling hurt. I couldn't react to how I was feeling though. It was the strangest sensation. First of all, he's not ready to see me in full battle armor. He couldn't handle it yet. Once he knows me a little better, catches all the subtleties I have... Then I'll take him fully on. It ended (that night) with him feeling better as he went off to sleep, and me still stewing the next day. Dudes, I was steaming, ready to bar fight, told a friend I felt like I could take him (There's no way I could), you get the point. 10 feet tall, bullet-proof, and ready to prove just how bullet-proof I was. Of course, again, I couldn't completely show it. I did get to say some of the things that were in my head. Things about getting hurt and not gonna let myself be used for some cheap thrill. Not an exact quote. I did not tell him about the few times I felt like crying (but didn't) during the acid trip. He doesn't know me well enough to know tears are not a weapon in my world. I wasn't about to live with that wrong assumption. I had enough to deal with.

We did make up, and things seem to be back to normal. I am still feeling bruised and wary. I hate that. I am the chick that has full control of anything "me". Feelings, actions, whatever. I was to the point of telling myself it was time to open up, be completely vulnerable, take a bigger risk. Now I'm scared. I don't like that someone other than L can hurt me like that. It's very once bitten, twice shy. I feel weak, and I HATE that. Damn it, I'm not a weak person. What the fuck?!?

Here's what happened. Instead of remaining guarded that whole damn time, I let him in. I knew what he was like. I knew the risk I was taking. I should just suck it up and jump in. Forget how hurt I was. Erase the current bruising. Stop being skittish. Pretend that nothing happened.

Yep, I should do that.

I'm scared though.

I also know I'll get over it. I have to. This is me we are talking about. I will not be defeated.

Urban Dictionary - fauxtograph

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

February 21, 2008: fauxtograph

A fauxtograph is a practical joke in which the video setting of a digital camera
is used to trick the target into posing for a really long time for what isn't a
picture at all.

"Say 'cheese'!"

(person poses)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

"You're taking a fauxtograph aren't you? You asshole."

Have fun!

Did I like nut another to it send dummy a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

Clue

Read above post backwards.

Got this in my email and loved it!

How To install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and haven't eaten in four days."

Lots of testing this week for lots of people

It's been a crazy week, but not for me. There's been sickness and hurt backs - sometimes one right after the other. I have been so nurturing this week, I am ready to gag. I think I can only do this for a little longer before going out of my mind nuts. Don't get me wrong. There have been some really nice parts that I wouldn't take back for the world. But, good god - this has got to end soon. Mostly because I can feel my personal meter running out, and I don't want it to happen before it's over. That would be bad, very very bad. No one needs to see that particular inner-bitch. I need to keep her under wraps...

Now the other inner-bitches I'm okay with...

Well... Not all of them. Some of them I like, and others need to be reigned in. But hey, don't we all have something like that?

Guess what!!!!

I finally - after nine years, lots of tape, an ass ton of super glue, even fingernail glue when the super glue wouldn't work anymore - got new glasses!!!

That's right. I can take my new glasses off AND close them. They are not taped straight. Plus, oh my god, I have nose guards!!! My nose can finally begin to heal the almost permanent scratches. Oh! They are not held together by glue, so I don't have to constantly be aware of everything near my face. It's horrible to be thinking about hateful glasses when someone tries to hug or kiss you. Not anymore!! The absolutely wonderful, I'm still high on life thing? I have a pair of prescription sunglasses, and damn, I look cool! This night person almost wishes it was daylight all the time now.

Almost. I may adjust to wearing sunglasses at night like all those other dorks...

Still in VA

We are still here and working on the house. I'm not sure exactly how much longer. Today I heard there was a possibility of going home Sat. morning. Originally, we thought we would go home last Wednesday. Didn't happen.

We busted ass today. I was wiped out mentally and physically by 4pm, but worked until 6:30pm. I started f**king up at 4pm. I spilled paint, got paint in my tools, dipped my damp rag in the paint, and I could no longer remember how to do the cutting in. Dudes, that blows. I was trying so hard. If it would have been up to me, I would have quit when I stopped being productive. Alas, it was not. We had to cram a bunch in today, because of previous short work days. Not my favorite activity.

I have been able to continue developing friendships while being here though. As a matter of fact, I have a new "little brother". He's like four months younger than me, and we fight like siblings. We have all sort of become a family unit. 3 older, 3 younger... We all play our roles well. But, of course, when we are not functioning as a group, we have different roles. I have really been paying attention to all my relationships. I have really noticed how each one is unique. Now, I'm sure I knew that intellectually, but that does not mean I really understood. I've also noticed I can get along with just about anyone in any situation, regardless of personal feelings. I'm not saying I try and make nice with the toxic waste. I'm just saying I could. I'm that awesome. ("I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!")

Anchyways...

I am trying to remember everything I ever wanted to look up when I had access to high speed, but I can't remember hardly anything. Any suggestions?

Back in Virginia

We've been in Virginia since last Thursday night. It's been great! We've moved furniture, spackled, painted, pressure washed... We've been busy! We have a good crew this time too. Actually, we have almost the same crew. We took one person out and added a different one.

Here's something cool - Every single one of us (except one)is the baby of our family. The one that isn't is an only child, so, in my mind, that still counts. What are the odds of 5 out of 6 people being the baby? We all work so well together. I wonder if that's why...

Last one of the day - I swear!

You're a sensitive kisser.

You don't want to scare people away by being more or less aggressive than they're used to, so you adapt your kisses to match any situation. If you sense that the person you're kissing wants more tongue pressure or more hair-stroking, you'll eagerly comply. You appreciate when the people you kiss tell you exactly what they like, because then it's easier for you to make them happy. Your only kissing requirement? Lots of privacy.



That is sooooo true! I really do appreciate when I'm told what the other person likes. It makes it so much easier on me - less thinking.

Plus, the privacy thing was dead-on accurate. I don't want anyone aware of what I'm doing. Well, what I'm currently doing... I have plenty of stories I'm willing to share, but they are from the past. Past = Safe (most of the time). I guess I feel selfish about an experience as it happens, but later - when I have evaluated and re-evaluated the situation, got everything out of it I possibly can, and it doesn't make me look really bad - I might share it.

So.... What do you like? I can keep a secret...

Found this on Cricket's site ("dagnabbit already" in sidebar)

You are 11:59 a.m.

You are late-sleepy relaxation, the half-awake moment when you realize it's morning, but you don't have to get up, because there's no place you have to be. You are that cozy spot under the covers where everything feels temporarily perfect, even if you know you'll eventually have to wiggle out and start the day. Maybe you're the artistic type, who doesn't function well on a normal schedule. Sleep's important to you, and you like the freedom of sleeping as late as you want (especially since that is closely related to the freedom to stay up as late as you want). You like to roll out of bed, put on some comfy clothes, and get a laid back start to the day. If not everything on your list gets accomplished, no worries. Your only priority is having no priorities – you just want to take things at a slow, mellow pace.

14% of the people who took this quiz got the same evaluation.


Cricket, we are in the same 14%!! Feel free to copy/paste the rest of the info, if you want. Always knew we were a perfect match! (Don't tell J...)

Valentine's Day Card *some Mush Alert*

My husband broke the rules of Anti-Valentine's Day and brought home a card for me. He has this way of picking the perfect card. I've accused him of having an insider at Hallmark.

If any of you know our story, you'll see how perfectly this follows it:

~The card~

There I was-
one minute getting to know you,
enjoying you and wondering
where it would all lead...
and the next,
thinking about you all the time,
knowing that I never, ever
wanted to be without you!
I guess that's the way life is.
You're going along
doing your everyday things,
and out of the blue, life gives you
this wonderful present,
a present you had no idea
how much you wanted.
That's what you are
to me, you know,
a precious gift...

Falling in love with you
was something I hadn't expected,
but being in love with you
is something I couldn't stop,
even if I tried.
What I'm trying to say is -
You're "it" for me, now and forever.
Linda Lee Elrod



Isn't that great? To top it off, the very next day I was bitchy as hell (laptop problems). He comes home with another card just to cheer me up. Sometimes I forget... how great he is, how well he knows me, how lucky I am, and how much he truly loves me, unlike others that came before.

Anti-Valentine's Day

We had an Anti-Valentine's Day potluck/party last night. It was for all the people that either don't care about Valentine's Day (like us) or don't have a partner to screw up with.

It was pretty great. A couple friends made Un-valentine hearts with sayings like, "I loathe you", "Heartless Bitch", "Pure Evil", "Be my Beergoggle Valentine", and "Black Shriveled Raisin Heart". On the back were instructions of what we were supposed to do if we picked that heart. There were some crazy ones! Well, crazy for the people that drew them... We ended up pinning the hearts to our clothes, and wore them proudly - like badges of honor. I drew two extra - just to wear them.

I was also told by someone (prominant dumbass) that I was harmless. He then amended it to 'mostly harmless'. (~Who can tell me what that is from?~) What he doesn't realize is, I have been holding back the entire time he has known me. I'm sure the older generation would call this growing up. I disagree. I am just more selective with my behaviors. Plus, my daughter is ALWAYS around. I have to censor quite a bit because of that. It kinda sucks. I used to give off the vibe of being "trouble", and now I'm harmless? Fuck. I really need my life back. I've even been called a prude recently - more than once. Yeah, that's me.

The problem is, the people that could back me up, won't. Thank god. They don't need to talk about that type of stuff unless I say it's okay. And I won't say it is. I value my privacy. I suppose the only one that could say anything would be L (husband), but I like to keep that private too. No one needs to know about that shit either. Damn it.

Happy Belated Anti-Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!

I will upload the pic of my hearts later. I still need to get it off my camera.

*SCREAM*

My laptop is fucked. I'm not sure what is wrong with it. I am probably going to have someone else work on it - for the first time ever. Even with our old desktop pc, I always fixed it. Granted, I have techie friends that helped back then. This time around, the only accessible-today techie will mess it up. I'm going to have to pay for it. Damn it. At least, the person I'm planning to pay, I trust.

I need the wireless to work before next Wednesday night. I am probably going to Virginia again to work. I really really need to bring my laptop with me. I can't be gone for almost a week without it. What would I load my pictures into? What about all the info I've been studying? I really need this fixed. Like now.

I am completely freaking out! Fuck, fuck fuck!!!!!!

Some I advice I insist you live by. I have so decreed it.

Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly.

Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Pray without ceasing, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Today - B.C.

I made the decision that I was not going to do anything yesterday. I accomplished what I set out to do. My house is now a mess, my hair looks like a rat's nest (which only got worse when I passed out on the couch), and I don't have a lot of time today to do anything about any of it.

We are taking my truck out to get a couple loads of future compost. I need coffee. I can't even begin to think which clothes I'll be okay wearing while shoveling shit. I know I have some...

I am looking forward to the shower after we're done. No point to doing it now.

My prominent dumbass is getting better. The sad thing is, it is only temporary. Patterns don't lie. Oh well, if this is what I have to do, I'll do it. It's either this or kill somebody. While killing someone would be immensely satisfying at the time, working on our relationship is probably the better option. But dammit!, I didn't want a second husband - never have! We have decided many times not to ever get re-married. Neither one of us want to do the work involved. It's exhausting. And yet, here I am. What lesson could I possibly learn from a repeat? How to avoid it? How to change it more efficiently? How to deal with it without feeling murderous? What the hell is the Universe trying to tell me????? Maybe it is just a test to see if I can hang on to my identity when it would be easier to just step into the background. Well, if that's it, I should be okay... maybe. I like me. I like to feel like me. I don't like to sacrifice myself just so other persons can be. That's not fair, plus it's my turn.

Wow - I should not try to post before coffee... Going to get some now, and brush my hair & teeth... Maybe straighten up if I have time. Coffee most definitely first.

Best weekend ever

We arrived home safe and sound last night. Well, safe anyway.

I have been taking this day to just chill and remember moments, no - events, of this past weekend. There are so many! I had no idea we packed in so much weirdness, and awe-inspiring oblivion, plus so much more. It got to the part of the evening when my husband and I were able to catch each other up on what had happened over our separate weekends. I thought there would be a few stories, and that was it. But, oh no - there are so many!!! I haven't even recalled all of them yet. This may take a few days...

Our crew had the "what's wrong with making everyone wait for me?" moments over and over and over... There was the "half-naked wake up call - plus public exposure" memorable image, the "foreman - in name only", and even the "I have had so little sleep, I've crossed over to insanity" event. Too funny!

We packed so much in!

One of my weekend co-workers stopped by today for coffee. He pointed out how rare it was to do what we did. Every bump in the road - and there were a ton of them- each person had the sentiment of "It's cool. Let's go on from here." Bump. "It's cool. Let's go on from here." It wasn't a previously agreed upon way to do things. We all just flowed with what was going on, and making it work. That's cool. It's a good feeling when you know you work well with someone.

I had hard core sleep dep issues by Saturday night. I only had a few hours a night (2 1/2 - 3) starting Wednesday night, but Friday night I only had 1 1/2 hours. I was sleep dep on crack. EVERYTHING was funny. It became contagious. Our crew laughed a lot over the weekend. I feel so uplifted and relaxed. I think every single one of us that was there, needed to be there for one reason or another. They don't say, "Laughter is the best medicine" for no reason. Plus, we were able to work out issues that would have been more difficult on home turf. It had a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" kind of feel to it. It gave us more freedom.

Several relationships I previously had with people changed for the better. I think we were all open and willing to listen to our hearts. (I'm gagging as I'm writing this sappy crap. I'll get better, I promise.) I really got to know one person for the first time - even though we are neighbors and in each other's social circles. With another, I think we had a breakthrough with how we communicate, and how to improve it. It was emotionally draining, and there were tears -- but it was so worth it to feel we are on our way to understanding each other. My third and favorite change was getting time to remember and renew a friendship. It's tricky getting to know each other again, but not bad tricky. Actually, kind of fun. No - totally fun. I also proved to the group, as a whole, that I wasn't as lazy and unreliable as they all believed I was. That was cool. I knew an opportunity would present itself one day.

All of these positive changes are a lot to take in. I'm enjoying every second of it though. A job well done, friendships strenghthened, and new kick-ass neighbors. What sounds better than that?

I'm no longer a virgin!

Yes, folks, you heard me correctly. I had my cherry popped.

Would you like to hear about it?

When it began, I felt a little dizzy. Dizziness led to all-over body chills. I had this roaring in my ears - sound wave after sound wave crashed into me. I was in awe. I had never experienced anything like it before. I thought I had seen/felt something similar before, but I was wrong. There is nothing like it. I can't wait to experience it again.  I felt the massive power behind it all.  It was like being next to the Gods.


Today, for the very first time, I saw the ocean.  The Atlantic Ocean from Nags Head.  Wow oh wow oh wow.  

The dizziness was the anticipation building and opening up the senses.  Chills were from the very strong wind that was constantly blowing.  The waves crashing on the beach was the roaring I heard.

Have any of you ever been to Lake Superior?  It is one of the Great Lakes.  If you stand on the shore, you can't see the other side.  I never had a huge drive to see the ocean, cuz I figured it would look pretty much the same.  Boy, was I wrong!!!  It is nothing like Lake Superior - except for the fact that you can't see the opposite shore.





Dudes, it was so amazing.  I have shells, sand, and driftwood from today.  I know that is so cheesy, but I wanted a physical memory of this first time experience.

Now I just have to go to a strip bar and a casino.  I haven't been to either place.  I seem so sheltered when I list stuff like that.

This little mini vacation has been excellent so far.  We head to North Carolina tomorrow morning to finish loading the truck.  We made excellent time today.  Tomorrow will be easier - just lift and load.  After we get everything that we are moving, we are staying in a hotel.  Fabulous!  The mini vacation continues!  Plus, did I ever mention I'm getting paid to enjoy myself?  I am such a whore.  (And I'm okay with that.)

For astrology believers:  Ever been with two Librans trying to decide on something?  It's entertaining!  I am half of this pair.  We made all kinds of decisions that don't have any actual relevance.  We got stuck trying to decide which ring tone to use for our alarm.  I asked the other two people with us - hoping for a tie breaker.  No such luck.  We just made a bigger tie, and there was no one else to ask.  A decision did get made   ...eventually.

On our drive to the ocean and back, excellent feel-good conversations were had by all.  We did get a little silly (I blame sleep dep.), a little creative ( I believe that was the ocean), and a lot happy (I credit that to the company.).  We seemed like a very cohesive foursome.  Actually, I feel that way about our entire crew this weekend - at least those that I consider part of the crew.  If you pretend to work, or make more work for the rest of us, you don't count in my world.  My world is the only one that matters, right?

Goodnight y'all (says the chick that hails from a land-locked state).

6 ~too early~ 30 AM

My phone rang at 6:30am this morning. 6 fucking 30 A. goddamn M.

Was somebody dead?

Dying?

Maimed, bleeding or hurt in some way?

Anything on fire?

The answer to these (and all other questions you would ask at 6:30am) is no. A big resounding NO. No? What the hell???

Just another dumbass I have collected - the prominent dumbass currently - to say he was going to be late. What?!?!?!?

I wasn't even driving. What did he expect me to do? Make people wait for his unhappy ass? Yeah, I have the power. Watch me stop this train.

As if that wasn't enough, he called again an hour later. I have no idea what he wanted that time. I hung up. The only thing he was able to say was "Hello". It felt great.

We made it to Virginia perfectly fine. Only one missed turn (and we didn't end up in Texas, dollface) and two stops in 8 1/2 hours.


One last thing: Where can I get earplugs?

I'm outta here!

I am leaving the house tomorrow to go to Virginia, North Carolina, and then back here on Saturday. I'm helping friends move out here.

Did you catch that? I'm leaving the house... without the family... on my own... No one but myself to answer to...

I'm in a reasonable facsimile of heaven!!

I think this will be refreshing.


It better be.

Urban Word of the Day

disneyfication


The act of taming the world to make it all safe, clean, and completely similar to a theme park.

To remove the sharp edges and darkness that is life.

Example: NYC suffered from disneyfication under Rudy, and now is as boring as any small town, USA.

We did what????

The world must have ended. Hell froze over, or maybe pigs are flying.


We had a Super Bowl party. Let me say that again...

We had a Super Bowl party.

Granted, it was last-minute. We didn't have anything else to do. One of our friends wanted to watch it. Why not have a party? Most of the people I hang with don't watch football. It seemed like a great idea to have a party for something we couldn't give a flying rat's ass about.

I called everyone in the vicinity, and only a few people didn't show up.

I have no idea what happened during the game. I only paid attention during the commercials. Those were great!

What was up with no cheerleaders during halftime? I didn't want to see Tom Petty. I couldn't find a place to escape for the entire performance. And thanks to the DVR, I had the extreme pleasure of watching it twice. Twice. I get a headache just thinking about it.

We had the usual aspects of a Super Bowl party. We had people cheering both teams. We had snacks. We even had the "I've had too much to drink" person. Which, of course, led to the person that went after the drunk person - in the rain. What more could a football lover like me ask for?

Here's what. Because we recorded it instead of watching it live, the ending didn't get recorded. Sweet! I have no idea what the final score is, but I do know who won - the team I picked with all of my football expertise. I used a very scientific method. I like New York. The city, the state... I don't even know where the Patriots are from. Wait, was it Boston? I have no idea. The Giants are from New York, and that's all I needed to know. Team picked!

Why does it always seem like the Super Bowl teams have the same colors?
Maybe it's just me.

Well, folks, I'm tired. I am off to some relaxed state. Couch good, sleep better...

Super Bowl Sunday

Today someone mentioned the Super Bowl. My kid -my 12 year old kid- asked, "What's a super bowl?"

I was so proud.


Later, she asked how the bowling was going.

I'm doing something right.

Coming out better for it

I am proud of myself. I had a challenge with temptation last night. I really really wanted to, but I did not give in. Sucked during the moment, but today?

I feel happy and peaceful and content. All of that would have been tainted (overcome) by guilt and shame. Instead, I can focus on the good things.

I am in an amazing mood today. Yay me!

Evil women should be rewarded

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


Yes, women, we are evil....

Home Inspections - Free Advertising

If anyone out there needs a home inspector, I can personally vouch for this one.


Volunteer Inspections

Ya know what bugs me?

When you wait a looooooooooong ass time for something, and then, when it happens, you get in your head, think too much, and basically screw up.

I do that a lot. Think too much.

It has saved me on more occasions than it has screwed me, but still...

Damn it.

Wow.

Really. That's about it. Wow.

Urban Dictionary - Electile Dysfunction

Electile Dysfunction

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party during an election year.


"Is anyone appealing to you in this years presidential race?"
"Naa... No one excites me. I think I'm suffering from Electile Dysfunction."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

I think I burned my face on my laptop.



~Do not expand~

N'arlins - Here I come!!

We have decided I need some sort of vacation. Some time to get away w/o the fam, w/o all the friends...

It has been decided that I get to go to New Orleans. Partly because I really really want to, and partly because no one dares to tell me I can't.

Dealing with Diva 24/7 in all her tween-ness, plus having to take care of a bunch of adults that I shouldn't have to. Mostly, cuz the majority (if not all) of them are older than me! You can't tell... Freakin' adult children, and me fresh out of maternal instinct!

Anyway, I've been on the edge of going postal, as you all know. Who in their right mind would deny me a break?

My only hang-up is trying to find someone to go with me. Ya know... that I actually want to spend time with. It also has to be a guy. I don't care if that sounds sexist. I need some protection in that city. I may be crazy, but not stupid. There are two I have in mind. One never pisses me off cuz he is so easy going, plus he's a little crazy too. The other one has been there so many times, he could show me all the cool places professional tour guides might not mention. He would also know the stuff I'd want to see... If all three of us went, that'd be just fine too.

I'm thinking March/early April.

I can't believe I finally get to see the city that has been almost an obsession for me!! I have wanted to go there as long as I can remember. I wish I would have made it there before Katrina hit.

That is one regret I can't do anything about. I have tried to make sure I don't have any regrets when I die. I guess I'll have at least one.

There are other places I want to go. I think that is why I feel trapped. I can't just pick up and leave. I feel like I am running out of time. What disaster is going to wipe out New York or Las Vegas? Are the Redwoods going to fall into the ocean? I need to just get up and go, but that is one need that won't be fulfilled.

Damn. This was supposed to be a happy post.

I'm goin' to N'arlins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


~Do not expand~

I fell on my ass

Yep. That's right. On my ass.

It gets better. I was roller skating at the time.

I only fell once, but it was hard enough to make my ass go numb. Very weird skating with a numb ass. I don't recommend it.

I know this isn't that strange. It is highly unusual for me though. I just don't fall. I never noticed it until the Husband (L) said something. We were walking the dogs - over a year ago - and I fell. He thought that was the first time I fell in the entire time he had known me (which was 12 yrs. at the time).

Lately though, the ground and I are coming in contact with one another quite a bit. Like in the last month or two. I am SO sick of it.

I fell off the bottom of my stairs a couple weeks ago. I live here! I know the stairs - up, down, backwards, forwards, sideways, inside, and out. But I just missed a step or my foot slipped... I don't remember.

That's the other thing! I can usually remember details of shit I did. That way I can go back and analyze it. How else will I learn from my mistakes? But with this falling thing, I can't remember the details. On skates, I know it was a bunch of converging factors all at once, but I can't remember what they were. What the hell is wrong with me?

Any shrinks/doctors/hypnotists in the house?

Now L is gone for the entire weekend, and I have to walk the dogs. I am terrified I will get re-injured. My tailbone is still slowing me down. I do not want to fall on it again.

That also meant no nookie before he left. There wasn't any possible way without hurting me.

I'm a tough chick, but this falling thing is f**king my world up!

Peace out.



~Do not expand~

My life finally has meaning

I became an editor at Urban Dictionary!

~Do not expand~

Urban Dictionary

I have fallen in love with the Urban Dictionary. So much so, that I have signed up for daily definitions.

Here's two of them:

DILLIGAF

Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck

Example sentence:
You hurt your leg, well DILLIGAF

I am sooooooo using that one.


and...

reality distortion field

reality-distortion field n. An expression used to describe the persuasive ability of managers like Steve Jobs (the term originated at Apple Computer in the 1980's to describe his peculiar charisma). Those close to these managers become passionately committed to possibly insane projects, without regard to the practicality of their implementation or competitive forces in the marketplace.

"A reality distortion field. In Steve's presence, reality is malleable. He can convince anyone of practically anything. It wears off when he's not around, but it makes it hard to have realistic schedules."


Dudes, I know someone like that. I think I may aspire to it.

~Do not expand~

Blast From The Past

I was reading the beginning of my blog last night. I realized I have regular phases of being sick of stupid people. I can handle it for awhile, but then it all starts getting to me.


I wrote these back in Dec 2004...

So, a few guidelines:

~If I don't tell you something on my own, I don't want you to know. Don't ask.
~If I feel strongly enough about something, you'll know. Don't push me to 'spill' before I'm ready.
~There's a reason I don't mention names on here. Respecting privacy... If you don't know who I'm talking about, don't ask. If it is about you, I'll talk when I'm ready.
~In person, don't assume because I don't talk about something that I don't know it. And don't judge me by the people around me. People are stupid. (Look at title of blog)
~Here's a pet peeve: Don't assume that because I have an open marriage, I want to have sex with anybody/everybody. I don't. Most of the time, sex isn't worth it. It's usually a waste of getting naked.
~If you talk yourself up to me, I'll think less of you. Understated is best.
~I'm searching for honest, open, relaxed, mature adults to hang with. If you don't fit that criteria, don't expect me to stick around. It's not my job to take care of you. That's your job. Be responsible.
~Don't lie to me. Especially if you are doing it badly. You'll lose major points.
~If I am feeling anti-social, don't try and 'fix' me. I'll do that.
~If you are my friend (or want to be), we are equals. Don't patronize me. Remember, I know shit that you don't. I have also experienced life for a few years. Give me some credit.
~I look at things as lessons to be learned, not as stuff getting in my way.
~If you have a negative attitude, I won't want to be around you. Period.
~If you insist you are right when there is no way you could know, I'll think you're an idiot. A pompous ass. A moron. And not worth my time.
~In general, people suck. You have to be pretty damn special to rise above that. Good luck.

I think they could still apply...

~Do not expand~

Some night!

Last week, I had this amazing, otherworldly, fantabulous experience.

Let me set the stage. One thing many of you don't know about me is I live in a Fairy Tale place. Dragons are real, fairies like to play, and magick works. My house actually sits in a fairy hot spot.

(Most of you think I'm crazy at this point. If you don't, continue reading.)

Last Tuesday, the winds started to blow. There was something different about them. I could not stay away. I went outside over and over again. They were both warm and cold. In fact, the temperature went way up. Fabulous. I would have been happy with that, and I was. It started raining. Pouring, actually. We really need any moisture falling out of the sky. We had a really bad drought this past summer. Since the drought, I feel happy when it rains. Winds, rain... Later, there was lightning, but only twice - and it was one right after the other. This lightning was special. It was colored lightning! The first one changed from pink to blue to green. The second was pink and blue. And total silence followed. No thunder, just two bursts of colored lightning that reminded me of the Northern Lights.

Have any of you read the stories about someone stepping into a fairy ring, and emerging 100 years later (or something like that)? Do you remember how the Fairy Realm was described? Happy and giddy, joyful, a little fuzzy and foggy around the edges...

That is what happened next. It felt like we shifted into the Fairy Realm. My husband and I were sitting on our balcony, and we both felt the difference. We enjoyed being giddy and foggy around our edges. I even felt this strong urge to say, "All the little creatures have come out to play.", and I did. It felt like I had to say it. Kinda spooky, but a spooky I can live with. This was the first 'high on life' night I referred to a few posts ago.

We also heard voices on the wind, and other unrecognizable noises. Scary, beautiful, fabulous!!!

I was addicted. I didn't want to go to sleep... or wake up... or whatever. I didn't want it to stop. I stayed awake. I continued to go outside as often as I could. I fell asleep eventually, but not by choice.

The next night when I was describing it to a few friends, I got 'high' again. The next day (Thurs.) was the 'crash'.

One of our friends saw the colored lightning, too. He may have been the only one. It was late when it happened.

I have never experienced that before. Now I understand the stories. Now I know how 100 years could pass without notice. I could have spent 100 years in that place... maybe. Big commitment and all. BUT if you would have asked me while I was in the throes of it, oh hell yeah.

I love where I live.

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I feel smart again

I've had new developments in the works, and I am so excited about them. Well, new information to be learned. Developments will come after that.

This is a 'feel like my old self' day. I'm excited to learn something, my brain is constantly having 'A-ha!' moments, and I just know it is going to continue. Here's hoping I don't get overloaded by my own thoughts.

Oh well. If I do, I'll just take a break, and then jump back in!


Does anyone know if it is possible to develop dyslexia?

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There's hope for me yet!

I talked to a friend/mentor, and I see a solution on the horizon. Just knowing that I'll be able to get it under control has made me feel so much better. Part of what was making me crazy was the lack of control. I didn't know what, why, for how long,etc....

I still am lacking in vital information, but just knowing it is out there has given me the ability to breathe again.

*deep breath*

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I typed my real name in, but changed it to ~J~ for the post

What ~J~ Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

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Cool Nerd!

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No straight jacket needed today... yet

So I am feeling less crazy today. I might have just a tiny bit of patience and tolerance back.

I woke up to find Diva in her room, playing video games, and eating chips and dip. This was at 9am. Here's what is supposed to happen. Her alarm goes off at 8am. She has until 9am to have breakfast, etc. My alarm goes off at 9am, and school begins. That has not been happening lately. She has been trying to get away with whatever she can in the morning. Now she is grounded from all video games and snacks. Punishment fitting the crime is my motto of the moment.

Feel sorry for the husband. He has been bearing the brunt of all of my craziness. He never knows when I am going to snap. For that matter, neither do I. We could be laughing, and he could just hint at the wrong thing to say, and I do a 180. He actually has done really well. Probably cuz he knows this is not like me, and it is just a storm to ride out.

I just need a new meteorologist.

Love you guys!!!

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Some relief

I have finally heard from my friend(?). I feel a little bit better - in that area at least.

The rest of the population can f**k off and die.

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Trapped

I want to run away.

I know this great guy/couple down in Alabama that has a lot of acreage. It's a beautiful place. He wants people to come down and homestead there. I have fantasies about doing exactly that. Picking up, leaving, starting my life over... What a delicious thought!

Maybe it is because Little Diva has now entered her tweens, and I wish there was a fast forward button...
Maybe it is because the husband can really be a 'guy' at times, and I don't need that sh*t...
Maybe because one of our friends has quickly developed into one of life's challenges for me, and I have had rage boiling under the surface for awhile now...

I really want some 'me' time. Not just a night out either. Since I am *supposed* to deal with everyone's shit, and stay calm-cool-collected, I want everyone to pamper my ass. For days, weeks, months... whatever.

I am also experiencing these strange extreme mood changes. I can go from feeling good to seriously pissed in a nano-second, and then back to good again. It's a constant flip-flop. What is that? Bi-polar.. Manic-depression? I don't know what it sounds like, but I know it is not that. If I could work through whatever the hell this is, I'd go back to normal.

The only good thing about being pissed off all the time is the inner body warmth during these cold months.

I really do want to punch somebody... anybody.

So today I feel used, abused, taken advantage of, and generally f**ked over. I am really mad at a friend of mine. Well, I think he's a friend. Who the f**k knows. You would think he would consider me a friend -- I am that awesome. He would be a real dumbass to not take my sincere offer of friendship. I will not stand out in the cold forever. Dumbass.

Yesterday and the night before, I was higher than I thought I could be. That's not true - I don't have a cap for how high on life I could be. Anyway, I was floating so high, my feet were not even close to the ground - for hours. It was so fabulous. I felt normal once again.

There is a theory that today is just a crash from that fabulous feeling. Is it possible to have the endorphin/serotonin/something crash without drugs? Is it possible to have crashes all the time? Is it possible to stay in a crash?

I really just want people to leave me alone. Except those I choose to deal with... The list is not very long.

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Venting

So, at first I was pretty excited. Part of me still is... but now I am starting to feel used. I'm good enough to dish it out, try and prove my loyalty, and all that shit -- but not good enough for any real information??? F**k off. If you don't believe I'm a friend, you are a dumbass. Who else would have made that many sacrifices? Who else would have considered your best interests? You keep holding me at arm's length, and I am done. We are not playing by *only* your rules anymore. If you can actually question my loyalty, then I can question yours.

Who am I kidding? You are loyal only to yourself. All of us are just here for.. what?? Your pawns?

What the f**k ever.

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