10 years ago today...

We hopped in the car and moved to the Great State of Tennessee.

10 years ago today, L drove a giant Uhaul 22 1/2 hours, straight through from Minnesota, and we arrived at my mom's house at 3:30am on the 27th. When we woke up, on the 27th, we headed over to our temporary trailer - temporary, because we were planning on moving to Knoxville as soon as possible to be closer to L's job. It was an awful place to live in the 2000's, but in the 70's, when it was new, it was a 'high end' trailer.

10 years ago today, we began our Southern learning, starting with the redneck family living across the dirt road from us.

10 years ago today, our lives completely changed, and we were on our new path as a family and as individuals.

10 years ago today, we started on a brand new adventure, and we are still wondering where it will take us.

10 years ago today feels like yesterday...

IRELAND!!!!!! or Why fight the Awesome?

I am going to Ireland in May!!!!

A friend of mine, K, has been requested to design and build a Meditation Garden for the 17th incarnation of a Tibetan artist. He's part of the Dalai Lama's inner circle.

He lives in Ireland with his Irish fairy-like wife.

We will be on the coast in Southwest Ireland. It's beautiful there, I'm told.

There are so many unknowns for this trip. We know we'll be staying on his acreage, but accommodations are unknown. We'll figure out how we'll need to adjust once we are there. Hippie road trip!!

We are going to party in Dublin for the first few days, before we start working.

K has come up with a million ideas for designs so far. That's also an unknown. I have no idea exactly what we'll be creating. It will be beautiful. That's a certainty.

I am a picky eater, and I'm not exactly fond of blood as an ingredient (like for black pudding). It's unknown what I will be able or willing to eat. Although, they do have potatoes, cheese, and bread, so I will have sustenance. I also hope to gain weight while I am there. There is no Mt. Dew (my favorite), so I will have to figure out something else. I plan to try Nash's Red Lemonade. I get to explore the food realm!

I did get an International Driving Permit, which totally cracks me up. I've never been outside the good ol' U S of A before, so driving on the wrong side of the road should be interesting. If I can manage it... It sounds like we'll be renting an Aston Martin to drive while there. It's either that or a BMW. No, seriously... Those are the two choices.

And of course - the unknown unknowns - like international travel. I have no idea what that will entail. I can only hope to not look like a stupid 'Mercan (2 syllables). There will be other unknown unknowns that I have no inkling of so far... (That's what makes them "unknown" *laugh*.)

At this time, the two cultures, Irish and Tibetan, are also pretty big unknowns. I will be researching that before packing. I do not wish to offend through ignorance.

This is how I described it in an email to someone earlier this month:

Ireland is this whirlwind I am currently caught up in... Totally great!!!

Our friend K met the Dalai Lama's best friend, who is the 17th incarnation of a certain Tibetan artist. He has acreage in Ireland, where he currently lives (can't remember the exact reason, but it's also interesting). He wants K to make him a Meditation Garden, which will be no small thing. Lots of different features, different areas, different... Well, we won't know exactly until we get there. She asked me along to help her create the Meditation Garden.

So, basically, we're gonna go hang with the Dalai Lama's posse (who hangs out with Princes - Prince Charles, for example), in Ireland, to create a thing of beauty on his acreage, with cliffs overlooking the ocean, for nearly three weeks.

How does this even happen??? We don't know, either, but why fight the Awesome?

I'M GOING TO IRELAND IN MAY!!!!

Mercury RX in Aries: Pyromancy

Mercury RX in Aries: Pyromancy | The Astrology of Austin Coppock



MERCURY RX IN ARIES: PYROMANCY

31 MARCH 2011


Mercury goes retrograde in Aries on March 30th. The swift planet will walk backward until April 22nd, treating us to the usual slew of miscommunications, dropped calls, broken phones and scheduling changes. However, this particular Mercury retrograde presides over a rare pile up of planets in Aries, with a minimum 5 planets present in the excitable sign from April 1st to May 10th. With a disproportionate amount of energy in fiery Aries, there is a strong pull towards headfirst plunges, reckless charges, needless conflicts and inflated egos. Many will make thoughtless, short term decisions that have long term consequences. Nonetheless, unprecedented self-empowerment and independence is also in the air.

Calcinating the Tower

This conflagration is fed by Mercury retrograde’s strange wind. The fire eats the fallen Towers, licking old bricks, separating the spirit from static concretions. The raw energy being generated is immensely creative, but the process of breaking down the gross into the subtle must first be completed. Mercury retrograde’s shifting winds fan this fire, blowing the coals hot. Our minds ride this scorching wind, casting our perceptions into the chaotic patterns of swirling flame.

Reading Fire

Here we are led to practice the ancient art of pyromancy- reading the future in the work of flames. We see the futures we’ll be capable of creating once the energy has been liberated. Not only that, but visions of the people we could become within those futures. Potential dances before us here, easily confused with the present. But the amount of energy we’ll have to create these futures is dependent on how much is liberated from the persistent Towers we defend. Let the flames feed on these worn out patterns. Let Mercury’s retrograde guide you through the possibilities being unleashed, but don’t seize upon any future until all have had their chance to parade before you. Trying to hurry this process is as useless as trying to delay it.

The Phoenix Blueprint

At the end of the Mercury’s long haul, April 22nd, the messenger will station direct opposite Saturn in Libra. As we draw closer to this about-face, the winds will begin to blow our minds away from visions and toward concrete plans. Here we’ll see the consequences of rash actions manifest, and the re-crystalization of liberated energies beginning to emerge in the world of form.

A Mundane Note

While individuals exhibit the capacity for thoughtful and even enlightened decision-making, the same is rarely true of nations. This April’s configurations spotlight instabilities worldwide, but particularly in Asia and the Middle East. Expect some saber-rattling and a riot or two. China’s chart is especially challenged by the bulk of planets in Aries, with internal tensions threatening to boil over.

HOROSCOPES


Aries: The Ram

Mercury’s retrograde sees you rethinking yourself as big new energies work their way through your psyche. You’ll find yourself revising your self concept in order to accommodate the growth unlocked by Jupiter in Aries and the cracks opened by Uranus’ recent ingress into Aries. But its not all about realizing how much more awesome you are than you thought. With Mercury’s direct station coming opposite Saturn, there’s another test entailed here. You’ve got to accept the limitations imposed on who you by your relationship to others. Living in a world with other people means not doing everything you feel like doing.

Taurus: The Bull

Mercury’s retrograde sees you discovering personal power you didn’t believe you had. Kept on the outside of the structure of your ego, this Mercury retrograde sees hidden power walking crooked pathways into your waking life. While becoming aware of power you didn’t know you had sounds like a good thing, it’s an awkward process, as much of this power will emerge in an immature and half conscious manner. Be very careful about the impact of your actions on other people during this period.

Gemini: The Twins

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you reconsidering where you stand in the social world. Your web of connections is charged, and likely the site of much action over the next couple weeks. You can expect a series of miscommunications and missed connections. Also consider the tone of your communications, as it will be very easy to generate conflicts with others during this time.

Cancer: The Crab

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries will see you revising your professional position. Take the time to rethink your approach to your career in the context of recent growth and even more recent revelations. Due to Uranus’ ingress into Aries, there is a tendency to become distracted by new ideas and novel professional directions. Note them, but you’ll regret spending too much time chasing future selves in a time that demands so much attention to the present. You are also likely going to need to spend a fair amount of time working the kinks out of your living situation.

Leo: The Lion

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you reconsidering your long term goals in light of recent revelations. Novel thoughts and shattering insights into where you COULD go are likely to distract you as you engage in the planning process. By all means note the futures dancing before you, but also note the steps between here and there. Mercury’s eventual opposition to Saturn in Libra promises that it will be the short term plans that will either enable or prevent you from being capable of reaching for the far flung futures that have begun to bloom in your mind.

Virgo: The Virgin

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you thinking about teaming up with other people, or retreating from similar engagements. As you consider who to team up with and who to disconnect from, it is important that you consider the limitations of your own resources. Do not let all of your attention be occupied by others, as refilling your own resources is the secret key to excelling during this period.

Libra: The Scales

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries this April marks an important series of conversations with people in your life. Your relationships are undergoing a strong mutation period. This volatile span of time represents a “changing of the guard” as far as who occupies what role in your personal life. Because of the incendiary nature of the next month, it is doubly important that you not fall prey to the typical Mercury retrograde tendency toward unclear communications. The challenge is to be honest without being abrasive. By the end of Mercury’s retrograde, it will become clear how all of this plays into Saturn’s process of breaking down and rebuilding your life structure along more coherent, balanced lines.

Scorpio: The Scorpion

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries places a focus on your habits. You’ll be pushed to reconsider your routines, being pushed to take both good and bad habits to an extreme over the next month. Although taking good habits to an extreme may sound like a good thing, it isn’t. It simply insures that you won’t be able to maintain them. The secret key to this period is to find a balance of virtue and vice that you can live with.

Sagittarius: The Archer

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you reconsidering what to do with the energy at your disposal. Recent growth and even more recent revelations see you with a lot of energy and even more choices in hand. The question is which of these things can contribute meaningfully to your ideal life. This period contains within it a strong tendency to waste the liberated energy you have. At the same time, you have to be very careful not to commit to anything too swiftly. Spend a little time in the between space, considering what could be before committing to a single course of action.

Capricorn: The Goat

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you considering your literal living situation and assessing the state of your emotional foundations. Your choices about where to live and how are in direct relationship to the demands of your professional direction. The question lying beneath this is an ongoing, if confusing, process of personal empowerment. Let your living space reflect the radical personal empowerment you need.

Aquarius: The Water Bearer

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you overwhelmed with little chores and short term goals. While there is a tendency to get caught up in the immediate chaos, it is important that you don’t take your eye off the prize of your long term goals. As you wade through the maze of what-needs-to-be-done, remember the direction you’re heading, even if you can’t quite see the finish line from there.

Pisces: The Fishes

Mercury’s retrograde through Aries sees you reconsidering the resources at your disposal. There’s plenty of opportunity as well as a number of revelations about how to fill your personal coffers right now, but you’ve also got to fulfill your obligations to others. Find the balance between a focus on your personal resources and commitments to team projects.

Grooveshark (or Blog This!)

My absolute favorite place to make online playlists... ...for now, anyway.. It used to be Finetune way back before they changed everything..

Anyway, Grooveshark (or 'Grvshrk' as I have it on my Bookmarks Bar) is so unbelievably easy to create or destroy playlists, and the songs on them. You can even X out songs you don't want to hear that day, but it does not remove them from the list - unless you delete it there, as well.

Grooveshark - Listen to Free Music Online - Internet Radio - Free MP3 Streaming

Mostly, this post is because I am testing out the "Blog This! (by Google) button I have added...

There are some things I miss...

Astrophotography - WiNorthwoodsObservatory's Photos

This is a movie taken April 2nd in Wisconsin of the Deep Sky Auroras..


Astrophotography - WiNorthwoodsObservatory's Photos

And a picture taken the same night...





Gorgeous!!

Living in Tennessee now, I don't have the chance to see the Northern Lights like I did in Minnesota...

Ditch Witch (x2) In FairyTale Land

No, not the brand name..

I have this unnatural love of digging. I love having a shovel in my hand, seeing the progress as I go... What is so unnatural about this, you may ask? I DO NOT have a love for manual labor. I prefer to delegate (unless I'm the only one that can do it correctly).

I sound arrogant and lazy, I know..

It's not exactly that, though. It is merely a question of motivation. For instance, I have absolutely no desire to gather brush, chop wood, or anything at all to do with firewood, except enjoy the fire and aerate it after it is burning, but there is someone here who LOVES anything wood. He will even chop wood in the dark with a flashlight.

I understand. Give me a shovel. I'll be there all day and into the night, if possible.

As soon as I get dressed and brush my teeth, I'm outta here to go work on a natural spring with another Witch, and make it more beautiful than it already is. We are allowing it to breathe, to flow... TO BE, once again. It used to be the spring they drank out of when they first bought the place back in the 80's... Before that, a local moonshiner (now dead) had one of his stills in this spring... I have felt drawn to this spot, just like the woman with whom I'm working on this project.. (Who? Whom?)

I can't wait!! I've been waiting all week to go diggin'!!

I want this on my front door

Here's another one I received in an email with the Subject line "the truth".


Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
we simply continue to fly..... on a broomstick.
We’re flexible like that.

Statements that resonate with me

In order for you to insult me, I would have to value your opinion.

Don't attempt to drag everyone you come in contact with under the bus with you, just because you were stupid enough to play in traffic!

Especially this one:

Don't make your problem MY problem, because you won't like how I handle it.

Just because you think before you speak does not necessarily mean you have something intelligent to say!

Sometimes I wish I could just slap the stupid out of people, but I know the only outcome would be a sore hand...

I wish I could do this one:

When life gives you crap, stick it in a bag, light it on fire, and leave it on the porch of the person who caused it.

The human gene pool needs chlorine! (old, but still true)

Conclusions? Interpretations? Comments??

Here are copies of two emails. The first one I wrote, and the second is the response I received.

Three very good men got thrown off a neighbor's property, and one of the reasons screamed at my husband (to take back to me one assumes) was that if his "serious bitch" of a wife ever wrote another "fucking email" like that again, blah, blah blah...

Below would be the "fucking email" referenced... ...and the response...

Draw your own conclusions.


Sent: Thursday, March 25, 2010 3:50 PM
Subject: A very loving 'heads up'

I feel compelled to write to you both. I have heard at least two stories from people that were unknowingly dosed during last weekend's Festival. In both situations, the person offering 'just a drink' didn't specify what they were sharing. In one case, after a couple swigs of rum, the victim saw faces melting and women with full beards. In another, from the tiniest sip of wine, she couldn't speak coherently for 30 hours afterwards. I heard, not verified, that there was a laced orange soda going around, as well.

I know it wasn't either of you, and I wasn't sure if you were even aware it had happened. Hence, my feeling compelled to write... From all accounts I have heard, it was the same culprits in each instance.

I realize the simple answer is to not drink what is offered to you. That is not the best answer for me, personally. One of the beautiful things about any festival I have been to is the connection, the group mind, the love, and the sharing. If I have to have my guard up for reasons of personal safety and well-being, it is not a place I desire to be.

I love you guys. You have a beautiful vibe. If it was only me I had to look out for, I might feel differently. I cannot be on the lookout for my family at all times, however. It would be very bad if something like that happened to either L---- or A-----.

I really don't know what to do, beyond informing both of you of this activity, and keeping my family safe. Obviously, not the most ideal solution... I want to show my support for your endeavors. How do I do that when a very real element of fear has entered the scene for me and mine? If you have other, better ideas, I would love to know what they are. I think this situation needs to be resolved, for safety reasons, if nothing else.

I love you both. I felt I had to say something. I would hate for either of you to be blindsided later.



May the Goddess Bless You,
~J~
_______________________________________________________________________

RE: A very loving 'heads up' Thursday, March 25, 2010 3:46 PM

Well I assure you we know nothing of this. I doubt it is true. Thanks for your concerns. We certainly don’t want unfounded slanderous rumors like that floating around, in print or orally, so thanks for letting us know. Please erase this email.

[Signed]

My blog is always here for me...

I think I need to start blogging again. So much shit has happened, and there have been so many times when I felt I didn't have anyone to turn to. I forgot what a friend and what a stress relief my blog was. I can say anything here. I forgot I have always had this to turn to...

My bad.

I have been evaluating who my real friends are. My foundation has been crashing down around me, and this is my chance to rebuild. I get to choose. I get to decide what I want to build the rest of my life and choices on. It's really a fantastic opportunity.

Don't get me wrong. It sucks SO BAD, but that's how all great things begin, right? Right.

I have realized who has always been there for me, and I am keeping them close. Sticking them right in my foundation, as it were.

I have become stagnant on my spiritual/magickal/whatever-you-call-it path. I need to get going on that. Wait. I have become stagnant in one aspect of my path. There are other aspects that have grown leaps and bounds...

I am facing difficulties I once pronounced I would never deal with. See? Never say never. TRUST ME ON THAT.

I have constantly been making pro/con lists to make decisions about my life and the people in it. It's all about worth...

So- to the people I don't see all the time (or ever): Dollface, Cyli, Cricket - Still love you guys!!!! No worries there.

I have wanted to go off on so many people of late. That's not really my style, but Holy Shitballs! I've been so tempted to give in to it... And, if I'm going to be honest (and I'm blogging, so duh), I have lost my cool more times in the last 6 months than in the last 10 years. It's been fascinating to watch, but exhausting to experience...

People have never been my favorite creatures. Well, obviously... Look at what my blog is named... They have become even more distasteful to me recently. All the stupid ass, childish, behind-the-scenes, I-can't-believe-I-ever-called-you-friend crap has made me want to isolate myself. I LIKE me.

Isn't there a song like that? "I want you to be less like you and more like me" or something close to that... That's pretty much how I feel. Like I'm one of the few adults in a sea of very old children... Doesn't anyone care about growing up, personal responsibility, improving themselves and their lives, getting rid of hang-ups, facing insecurities and fears, - just becoming an all-around improved person? Doesn't anyone want to achieve anything greater than plain existence? Being born is not an achievement, hate to break it to you... Freakin' humans.

You know what else amazes me? People are so willing to throw me away before a careful examination. So stupid... Why would anyone want to remove a person of value and worth from their life? Is it some way to avoid looking at their own self? I hope not. That's TOO textbook, too easy.

Then again, People Are Stupid.

Freakin' sheeple...

There is this one chick that I used to be 'friends' with. I mean, not really, cuz she is incapable of being a real friend. But those things aren't always obvious at first... Anyway - she was my first 'losing my cool' that almost scared me. In 10 years of coming out to where I currently live, I have never shouted at anyone. I did get into a shouting match with this bitch though. On the phone. In front of company. My mother would be horrified (maybe). Now a shouting match is not impossible to come back from, but when I discovered she felt bad about shouting and NOT what she said while shouting, I decided she was definitely on the Con list. Effectively, she didn't feel bad about the heinous things she said to me - just the volume they were said at. What da hell? That's just stupid.

I have decided, if she wants me in her life, she can come to me and try to fix it. Not that she ever does something like that, but I don't need her. The ball is in her run-down court.

At the opposite extreme, and just as surprising, there have been shining gems of people that I have become aware of. It's amazing, refreshing, awesome (in the true sense of the word)... I feel blessed in that way.

Maybe the shitheads just had to become more obvious so I would see the ones that weren't... Who knows... Life is a mystery (and I love that!).

Okay, so I'm out. I must take Little Diva to Sylvan (another change) soon.

Forever changed

The most amazing, life-changing, beautiful event happened. I finally was able to go to my city, New Orleans, for the very first time.

I have been dreaming about this for as long as I can remember - maybe longer than that. To go to a place you have never been, but feels so familiar is a wondrous thing.

I am forever changed from being there. I sobbed the night before and morning of departure. I could still call the tears up at a moment's notice.

I decided I want to live there. I would have to have dual-residence. I cannot leave my Fairy Realm world permanently. I need to be able to go to either place, at any time.

The energy of that place is so incredible. I didn't eat for two days, because I was so full feeding on the place. I will never live down the lack of food I had in one of the 'Food Capitols of the World". No problem. I am willing to go down there and not eat anytime.

The friend I was there with did the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It was very much a 'window into the soul' moment. There were street people everywhere, and we gave out so many dollars during our stay. Most of them are probably living on the street due to Katrina. One night, my friend buys a foot-long from a hot dog street vendor. We get stopped after walking away from the cart by another homeless guy that is talking so incredibly fast and not making any sense. We stand there trying to understand, but failing miserably. Then my friend did something that crossed all language barriers - He offered the other end of his hot dog to this guy and asked if he wanted a bite.

I was stunned. Not at the generosity, or the fact that he offered food to the guy, but at the way he did it. He continued to offer bites, from one end, while eating from the other end. No parts thrown away or ripped off and given to the guy - just sharing a dog with a fellow man. I never would have thought to do that. Offer my food - sure. Eat off the same dog, never.

That simple gesture told me so much about him. It was just part of his nature, so he didn't see the amazement in it. I found out gestures like that are common for him. I wonder what that is like - to be so openly generous, to care about others -even strangers- to that degree, to be that compassionate? I understand all of these traits, but to that depth? Wow. That is saintly behavior.

In case you were wondering, homeless guy also received a dollar.

And that is just one of the many New Orleans stories I have - from waking up my friend who wanted to sleep on the street to me stepping out in front of a car completely oblivious to the frozen coffee to our 'Japanese tourist' day to Coop's Place to the kid that caught my hat... It goes on and on. I threw myself into the place 100%, and it is now a part of me.

N'arlins, I will be back!!

Motivational Poster

Diva is becoming a teen. Oh shit.

Little Diva's birthday is tomorrow. Her 13th birthday. This is her very last day of 12 - no 'teen' after her age, no 2 or 3 at the beginning of her age. I guess this is her last day of childhood (technically).

That's sad. Of course, Diva isn't sad about it. She's going to be 13, by god!!! I never thought this day would come. I prayed this day would get here. Well, she's been talking about her birthday, and what she wants to do on her birthday for the last eight months. She was 12 for 4 months, and then started planning her 13th. God, did that bug me!!! Not so much the planning, but definitely how often she brought it up.

Anyway, we are heading into one of the tourist towns near here on Saturday to celebrate. There will be go karts, and putt-putt (mini golf), and Fuddruckers, oh my! We'll do cake when we get back. We need time to let the burgers settle before indulging in sugar overload.

Tomorrow, we are taking her shopping for bedroom stuff. We want to get her a desk and a full length mirror - maybe a rug too. The only problem is we don't have ideas for smaller things. We were going to buy her a 'gift certificate' from one of our friends to trim her hair, maybe style it. *laugh* When I asked, she decided she could just give Diva that as a gift. That's one less from us. It's okay though. It's the perfect gift from her. I'm going to ask another friend about a manicure/cosmetics type of thing, which would be the perfect gift from her.

I am so excited for her. She has all these people planning on being there. We even have friends coming in from out of state. Amazing! I have always been worried about the turn-out for her birthday, but not this year! I feel such love for our friends. There aren't a lot of kids, so I'm referring to the adults that are making sure they are there for her. How cool is that!!!

Have I mentioned I love where I live?

Wise quote

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
-Mahatma Gandhi

This was in my inbox, and it's beautiful in a very real way

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates a parent,
I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me:
I loved you enough to ask where you were going,
with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you
discover that your new best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to stand over you for
two hours while you cleaned your room,
a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger,
disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough to let you assume the
responsibility for your actions even when the
penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say
NO when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all.
I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to
understand the logic that motivates parents,
you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean?

I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!
While other kids ate candy for breakfast,
we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times.
You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were
and what we were doing with them.
She insisted that if we said we
would be gone for an hour, we would
be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it,
but she had the nerve to break
the Child Labor Laws by making us work.

We had to wash the dishes, make the beds,
learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry,
empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.


I think she would lie awake at night
thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers,
she could read our minds and had
eyes in the back of her head.
Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends
just honk the horn when they
drove up they had to come up to
the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date
when they were 12 or 13, we
had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out
on lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever been caught
shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any
crime. It was all her fault.

Now that we have left home, we are all
educated, honest adults. We are doing our best
to be mean parents just like Mom was.

I think that is what's wrong with the world today.
It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Anyone know how this can be done?

Do any of you ever wish you could see how life would be if you weren't around? You know, a classic theme for Xmas movies or whatever. The whole 'I wish I was never born!' crap that some fairy, spirit, whatever shows how life would be so much worse without the pitiful person's existence.

I want that. I'm not saying I regret being born. Far from it. I'm not even feeling like I haven't touched people's lives. I just want an accurate assessment. The overall view, if you will.

Anybody else ever want that?

Back on flatland

Okay - not as emo anymore.

I'm back on track. This is what it is like playing chess with an adult. Thank god I love a challenge!!

A friend of mine brought over a very cool study aid. It was the thoughtfulness of it that touched me.

Someone else gained major points in my parenting book by asking a question in the perfect way. It was very appropriate.

Another friend's truck was finally sold. It's been on Craig's List for a while. Yay extra income!

L's new schedule still takes some getting used to. Today was his Friday. He's off for three days - again. Every week. I am still not used to this. It's pretty freakin' great! It is a much more relaxed environment around here on the weekends. I believe that will help our family life. That and the fact that I have actually been leaving the house more often...

It has been one of the most lazy, rainy, crazy, topsy-turvy, inactive, eventful type of day.

Conflicted

What are you supposed to do when you are required to give up parts of yourself to make someone else happy?

I know my automatic response is, "Fuck that!".

What if you promised something earlier, and in order to fulfill that promise you need to become less than what you are?

That is where I am conflicted.

When I make a decision or promise (really the same thing), it sticks. I follow through on what I said. Maybe I just give people too much credit. I assume that my promise would be enough - without conditions. No, wait. Not without conditions. There are always conditions. However, if the condition you require destroys the person you care about, it is not one that should exist. I understand conditions. I can't claim to love unconditionally. I have high standards. I want respect. I want my happiness to be considered. I want who I am to be part of the original equation. I also apply these things to the other person. I don't require anyone to do anything I wouldn't do. I have high expectations of myself and others.

I think I feel let down. I feel like I am about to lose something important. It's a very 'what's the point' attitude. I can feel myself sinking into depression - even if it is temporary.

Wow. I have been on such a roller coaster lately. My blog is turning emo. Sorry, guys.

I have been 'feeling' more lately than I have since I was a crazy mixed-up teen. So - very out of control, basically.

Well, this thing will turn out one way or the other. I don't like either choice. One way will effect me personally, and the other will effect anyone in the vicinity.

Do I break my promise, or do I change myself completely?

I have a short fuse these days

I had an amazing last couple of days. Amazing as in - is this really happening? I must be dreaming... Something is going on. Before you get your hopes up, it was not a good amazing.

My life, the last two days, have been like a series of dominoes falling on one another. There wasn't any one thing. It was one tiny thing after another - and overlapping each other.

I feel like I am going to lose it today. All I have wanted to do ~all day~ was chill the fuck out. I was pissed at my dogs, husband, and kid before my first cup of coffee. All I wanted to do was take the time to recover from that. No such luck.

I had moments of calmness, but it was false calmness. The moments didn't last. One of the times I was calm, I received a phone call that set me off again. Damn dominoes.

I'm looking for some sort of retreat-monastery-military camp that takes families of women who are fed the fuck up. Just for a break. A long ass break to get back in touch with me...

I miss me.

It's unbelievable that two bad frustrating days make me feel postal. Just two. That's it.

Well, it's good to know your limits. It's also good to know when your limits will be tested. I think I need to prep a little better for the limits test. If these last two days are any indication, I'm going to go insane - if I don't flow with things better.

"I feel good na na na na na na..."

My someone is no longer disappointing. I have a tiny bit of 'wait and see' going on, but that's normal for me. I'm trying to fight that. It's unhealthy... I think.

Anyway, we are back on track. I feel so much lighter today. I am smiling. I feel warm. Life is good.


Guess what! No really, guess...

Have you guessed yet?

No?

I'll give you a clue - Something is faster.


Was that a good enough clue? Did you figure it out?


Another clue - Going on MySpace doesn't piss me off anymore.



Well, that just gave it away, didn't it?
[Tangent: Cyli, if you have a myspace, let me know. I'd love to add you.]


Okay - back to it.


Maybe I should just tell you. You probably know anyway. Well, I believe only smart people read what I have to write (Yes, I'm delusional.), so I'm sure you know by now.



We have DSL!!!!!! No more freakin', goddamned slower than slow, can't be in the youtube world, is it even loading? dial up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay!!!!!!!!!!

I rock! My laptop rocks! Everything freakin' rocks!


And how are all of you? (Trying not to be self-absorbed...)