Cold hearted bitch?

I have a friend. Let's call him Winston. We have been missing each other a lot lately. I got used to being able to talk to him. We have had time constraints. Damn time. There are so many things I've wanted to tell Winston, but I haven't had the chance. I think I've forgotten half of the shit by now. That makes me sad. Who knows? I may remember over time.

Winston's job is taking him elsewhere. Talk about time constraints. Like no time at all. It's gonna be all email. Don't get me wrong. I love email. Phone is usually good for me.

But...

I want it all. I like to have it all. Less than all is not what I'm after.

I am going to be sad. I am already pre-sad. I teared up a couple times this morning. That was a surprise! You'd think I was a girl or something. Or that this person actually means something to me. How'd that happen?

I have realized that I am willing to go to great lengths for someone I care deeply for. In my current place in life, I believed I didn't give a shit, and it was my turn. Someone needed to go to great lengths for me.

Apparently, I still have some warm blood left in this cold heart. With this realization, I know I can still get hurt. I don't know how I feel about that. I know I don't feel dead anymore. I have been so grounded for so long. It feels good to have some life back. I know L was worried about me. There were so many factors that contributed to my walking death. I wasn't worried about getting hurt, though.

I'm willing to pay the price to feel alive again. Whatever that may be. I'm sick of death.

The above sentences scare the shit out of me. I'm tempted to delete it. But I won't. Running away is not my style.

Damn feelings

I have this secret. A very secret sort of secret. If I tell you, I'll have to kill you type of secret.

Last night, in order to keep this secret, I stood out in the freaking rain (with some shelter) for an hour and a half. Now, I have no sense of time, so I didn't know it was 1hr and a 1/2 until later. But I knew it was longer than I wanted.

If I could have stilled the emotions, I would have been able to lessen that time. Alas, I was feeling all kinds of shit. Why the hell do we have this full range of emotions anyway? It just clutters up the thought process. Anyway, I got pissed off enough to figure out a plan. I hate when I have to get pissed to get smart. My plan totally worked, of course. Why wouldn't it? I'm that good.

Well, sort of. I did stand outside longer than I wanted... Damn feelings.

Acid trip with a hella hangover

I got in a fight with one of my friends the other night. Well, I'm not sure you'd call it a fight. I don't know what to call it. It was draining. It was emotional. It was a chess game. I had physical and emotional reactions to it. It hurt. It was weird.

For instance, we are in the middle of it. Not getting anywhere due to absolute stubbornness and justifiable righteousness. But then, crackhead that I am, decide now is the time to tell a story I've been holding onto. We laugh our asses off, and then go right back into whatever it's called.

An acid trip. That's how I describe it. It was so unreal, surreal, dream-like, etc. that it felt like an acid trip. When I got up from bed (both times), I had the most killer hangover of my life. All from this damn fight.

Here's basically how it played out.
He wanted something. He didn't communicate that. He expected (hoped) me to be on the same page. What he didn't know, I was on the same page, but could not follow through. I jumped through some hoops, thought it might be over, but I was wrong. It had just gotten started. I walked into the acid trip. It was unbelievable and went against my logical way of thinking. I wasn't dealing with logic though. I was dealing with a shrewd emotional negotiator. Chess game, see? I had to think about everything I said or did, had to think eight moves ahead, etc. I was so hurt, which, of course, pissed me off. Being pissed off is more comfortable than feeling hurt. I couldn't react to how I was feeling though. It was the strangest sensation. First of all, he's not ready to see me in full battle armor. He couldn't handle it yet. Once he knows me a little better, catches all the subtleties I have... Then I'll take him fully on. It ended (that night) with him feeling better as he went off to sleep, and me still stewing the next day. Dudes, I was steaming, ready to bar fight, told a friend I felt like I could take him (There's no way I could), you get the point. 10 feet tall, bullet-proof, and ready to prove just how bullet-proof I was. Of course, again, I couldn't completely show it. I did get to say some of the things that were in my head. Things about getting hurt and not gonna let myself be used for some cheap thrill. Not an exact quote. I did not tell him about the few times I felt like crying (but didn't) during the acid trip. He doesn't know me well enough to know tears are not a weapon in my world. I wasn't about to live with that wrong assumption. I had enough to deal with.

We did make up, and things seem to be back to normal. I am still feeling bruised and wary. I hate that. I am the chick that has full control of anything "me". Feelings, actions, whatever. I was to the point of telling myself it was time to open up, be completely vulnerable, take a bigger risk. Now I'm scared. I don't like that someone other than L can hurt me like that. It's very once bitten, twice shy. I feel weak, and I HATE that. Damn it, I'm not a weak person. What the fuck?!?

Here's what happened. Instead of remaining guarded that whole damn time, I let him in. I knew what he was like. I knew the risk I was taking. I should just suck it up and jump in. Forget how hurt I was. Erase the current bruising. Stop being skittish. Pretend that nothing happened.

Yep, I should do that.

I'm scared though.

I also know I'll get over it. I have to. This is me we are talking about. I will not be defeated.

Urban Dictionary - fauxtograph

Urban Word of the Day
www.urbandictionary.com

February 21, 2008: fauxtograph

A fauxtograph is a practical joke in which the video setting of a digital camera
is used to trick the target into posing for a really long time for what isn't a
picture at all.

"Say 'cheese'!"

(person poses)
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)

"You're taking a fauxtograph aren't you? You asshole."

Have fun!

Did I like nut another to it send dummy a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

Clue

Read above post backwards.

Got this in my email and loved it!

How To install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and haven't eaten in four days."

Lots of testing this week for lots of people

It's been a crazy week, but not for me. There's been sickness and hurt backs - sometimes one right after the other. I have been so nurturing this week, I am ready to gag. I think I can only do this for a little longer before going out of my mind nuts. Don't get me wrong. There have been some really nice parts that I wouldn't take back for the world. But, good god - this has got to end soon. Mostly because I can feel my personal meter running out, and I don't want it to happen before it's over. That would be bad, very very bad. No one needs to see that particular inner-bitch. I need to keep her under wraps...

Now the other inner-bitches I'm okay with...

Well... Not all of them. Some of them I like, and others need to be reigned in. But hey, don't we all have something like that?

Guess what!!!!

I finally - after nine years, lots of tape, an ass ton of super glue, even fingernail glue when the super glue wouldn't work anymore - got new glasses!!!

That's right. I can take my new glasses off AND close them. They are not taped straight. Plus, oh my god, I have nose guards!!! My nose can finally begin to heal the almost permanent scratches. Oh! They are not held together by glue, so I don't have to constantly be aware of everything near my face. It's horrible to be thinking about hateful glasses when someone tries to hug or kiss you. Not anymore!! The absolutely wonderful, I'm still high on life thing? I have a pair of prescription sunglasses, and damn, I look cool! This night person almost wishes it was daylight all the time now.

Almost. I may adjust to wearing sunglasses at night like all those other dorks...

Still in VA

We are still here and working on the house. I'm not sure exactly how much longer. Today I heard there was a possibility of going home Sat. morning. Originally, we thought we would go home last Wednesday. Didn't happen.

We busted ass today. I was wiped out mentally and physically by 4pm, but worked until 6:30pm. I started f**king up at 4pm. I spilled paint, got paint in my tools, dipped my damp rag in the paint, and I could no longer remember how to do the cutting in. Dudes, that blows. I was trying so hard. If it would have been up to me, I would have quit when I stopped being productive. Alas, it was not. We had to cram a bunch in today, because of previous short work days. Not my favorite activity.

I have been able to continue developing friendships while being here though. As a matter of fact, I have a new "little brother". He's like four months younger than me, and we fight like siblings. We have all sort of become a family unit. 3 older, 3 younger... We all play our roles well. But, of course, when we are not functioning as a group, we have different roles. I have really been paying attention to all my relationships. I have really noticed how each one is unique. Now, I'm sure I knew that intellectually, but that does not mean I really understood. I've also noticed I can get along with just about anyone in any situation, regardless of personal feelings. I'm not saying I try and make nice with the toxic waste. I'm just saying I could. I'm that awesome. ("I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!")

Anchyways...

I am trying to remember everything I ever wanted to look up when I had access to high speed, but I can't remember hardly anything. Any suggestions?

Back in Virginia

We've been in Virginia since last Thursday night. It's been great! We've moved furniture, spackled, painted, pressure washed... We've been busy! We have a good crew this time too. Actually, we have almost the same crew. We took one person out and added a different one.

Here's something cool - Every single one of us (except one)is the baby of our family. The one that isn't is an only child, so, in my mind, that still counts. What are the odds of 5 out of 6 people being the baby? We all work so well together. I wonder if that's why...

Last one of the day - I swear!

You're a sensitive kisser.

You don't want to scare people away by being more or less aggressive than they're used to, so you adapt your kisses to match any situation. If you sense that the person you're kissing wants more tongue pressure or more hair-stroking, you'll eagerly comply. You appreciate when the people you kiss tell you exactly what they like, because then it's easier for you to make them happy. Your only kissing requirement? Lots of privacy.



That is sooooo true! I really do appreciate when I'm told what the other person likes. It makes it so much easier on me - less thinking.

Plus, the privacy thing was dead-on accurate. I don't want anyone aware of what I'm doing. Well, what I'm currently doing... I have plenty of stories I'm willing to share, but they are from the past. Past = Safe (most of the time). I guess I feel selfish about an experience as it happens, but later - when I have evaluated and re-evaluated the situation, got everything out of it I possibly can, and it doesn't make me look really bad - I might share it.

So.... What do you like? I can keep a secret...

Found this on Cricket's site ("dagnabbit already" in sidebar)

You are 11:59 a.m.

You are late-sleepy relaxation, the half-awake moment when you realize it's morning, but you don't have to get up, because there's no place you have to be. You are that cozy spot under the covers where everything feels temporarily perfect, even if you know you'll eventually have to wiggle out and start the day. Maybe you're the artistic type, who doesn't function well on a normal schedule. Sleep's important to you, and you like the freedom of sleeping as late as you want (especially since that is closely related to the freedom to stay up as late as you want). You like to roll out of bed, put on some comfy clothes, and get a laid back start to the day. If not everything on your list gets accomplished, no worries. Your only priority is having no priorities – you just want to take things at a slow, mellow pace.

14% of the people who took this quiz got the same evaluation.


Cricket, we are in the same 14%!! Feel free to copy/paste the rest of the info, if you want. Always knew we were a perfect match! (Don't tell J...)

Valentine's Day Card *some Mush Alert*

My husband broke the rules of Anti-Valentine's Day and brought home a card for me. He has this way of picking the perfect card. I've accused him of having an insider at Hallmark.

If any of you know our story, you'll see how perfectly this follows it:

~The card~

There I was-
one minute getting to know you,
enjoying you and wondering
where it would all lead...
and the next,
thinking about you all the time,
knowing that I never, ever
wanted to be without you!
I guess that's the way life is.
You're going along
doing your everyday things,
and out of the blue, life gives you
this wonderful present,
a present you had no idea
how much you wanted.
That's what you are
to me, you know,
a precious gift...

Falling in love with you
was something I hadn't expected,
but being in love with you
is something I couldn't stop,
even if I tried.
What I'm trying to say is -
You're "it" for me, now and forever.
Linda Lee Elrod



Isn't that great? To top it off, the very next day I was bitchy as hell (laptop problems). He comes home with another card just to cheer me up. Sometimes I forget... how great he is, how well he knows me, how lucky I am, and how much he truly loves me, unlike others that came before.

Anti-Valentine's Day

We had an Anti-Valentine's Day potluck/party last night. It was for all the people that either don't care about Valentine's Day (like us) or don't have a partner to screw up with.

It was pretty great. A couple friends made Un-valentine hearts with sayings like, "I loathe you", "Heartless Bitch", "Pure Evil", "Be my Beergoggle Valentine", and "Black Shriveled Raisin Heart". On the back were instructions of what we were supposed to do if we picked that heart. There were some crazy ones! Well, crazy for the people that drew them... We ended up pinning the hearts to our clothes, and wore them proudly - like badges of honor. I drew two extra - just to wear them.

I was also told by someone (prominant dumbass) that I was harmless. He then amended it to 'mostly harmless'. (~Who can tell me what that is from?~) What he doesn't realize is, I have been holding back the entire time he has known me. I'm sure the older generation would call this growing up. I disagree. I am just more selective with my behaviors. Plus, my daughter is ALWAYS around. I have to censor quite a bit because of that. It kinda sucks. I used to give off the vibe of being "trouble", and now I'm harmless? Fuck. I really need my life back. I've even been called a prude recently - more than once. Yeah, that's me.

The problem is, the people that could back me up, won't. Thank god. They don't need to talk about that type of stuff unless I say it's okay. And I won't say it is. I value my privacy. I suppose the only one that could say anything would be L (husband), but I like to keep that private too. No one needs to know about that shit either. Damn it.

Happy Belated Anti-Valentine's Day!!!!!!!!!

I will upload the pic of my hearts later. I still need to get it off my camera.

*SCREAM*

My laptop is fucked. I'm not sure what is wrong with it. I am probably going to have someone else work on it - for the first time ever. Even with our old desktop pc, I always fixed it. Granted, I have techie friends that helped back then. This time around, the only accessible-today techie will mess it up. I'm going to have to pay for it. Damn it. At least, the person I'm planning to pay, I trust.

I need the wireless to work before next Wednesday night. I am probably going to Virginia again to work. I really really need to bring my laptop with me. I can't be gone for almost a week without it. What would I load my pictures into? What about all the info I've been studying? I really need this fixed. Like now.

I am completely freaking out! Fuck, fuck fuck!!!!!!

Some I advice I insist you live by. I have so decreed it.

Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly.

Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. Pray without ceasing, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Today - B.C.

I made the decision that I was not going to do anything yesterday. I accomplished what I set out to do. My house is now a mess, my hair looks like a rat's nest (which only got worse when I passed out on the couch), and I don't have a lot of time today to do anything about any of it.

We are taking my truck out to get a couple loads of future compost. I need coffee. I can't even begin to think which clothes I'll be okay wearing while shoveling shit. I know I have some...

I am looking forward to the shower after we're done. No point to doing it now.

My prominent dumbass is getting better. The sad thing is, it is only temporary. Patterns don't lie. Oh well, if this is what I have to do, I'll do it. It's either this or kill somebody. While killing someone would be immensely satisfying at the time, working on our relationship is probably the better option. But dammit!, I didn't want a second husband - never have! We have decided many times not to ever get re-married. Neither one of us want to do the work involved. It's exhausting. And yet, here I am. What lesson could I possibly learn from a repeat? How to avoid it? How to change it more efficiently? How to deal with it without feeling murderous? What the hell is the Universe trying to tell me????? Maybe it is just a test to see if I can hang on to my identity when it would be easier to just step into the background. Well, if that's it, I should be okay... maybe. I like me. I like to feel like me. I don't like to sacrifice myself just so other persons can be. That's not fair, plus it's my turn.

Wow - I should not try to post before coffee... Going to get some now, and brush my hair & teeth... Maybe straighten up if I have time. Coffee most definitely first.

Best weekend ever

We arrived home safe and sound last night. Well, safe anyway.

I have been taking this day to just chill and remember moments, no - events, of this past weekend. There are so many! I had no idea we packed in so much weirdness, and awe-inspiring oblivion, plus so much more. It got to the part of the evening when my husband and I were able to catch each other up on what had happened over our separate weekends. I thought there would be a few stories, and that was it. But, oh no - there are so many!!! I haven't even recalled all of them yet. This may take a few days...

Our crew had the "what's wrong with making everyone wait for me?" moments over and over and over... There was the "half-naked wake up call - plus public exposure" memorable image, the "foreman - in name only", and even the "I have had so little sleep, I've crossed over to insanity" event. Too funny!

We packed so much in!

One of my weekend co-workers stopped by today for coffee. He pointed out how rare it was to do what we did. Every bump in the road - and there were a ton of them- each person had the sentiment of "It's cool. Let's go on from here." Bump. "It's cool. Let's go on from here." It wasn't a previously agreed upon way to do things. We all just flowed with what was going on, and making it work. That's cool. It's a good feeling when you know you work well with someone.

I had hard core sleep dep issues by Saturday night. I only had a few hours a night (2 1/2 - 3) starting Wednesday night, but Friday night I only had 1 1/2 hours. I was sleep dep on crack. EVERYTHING was funny. It became contagious. Our crew laughed a lot over the weekend. I feel so uplifted and relaxed. I think every single one of us that was there, needed to be there for one reason or another. They don't say, "Laughter is the best medicine" for no reason. Plus, we were able to work out issues that would have been more difficult on home turf. It had a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" kind of feel to it. It gave us more freedom.

Several relationships I previously had with people changed for the better. I think we were all open and willing to listen to our hearts. (I'm gagging as I'm writing this sappy crap. I'll get better, I promise.) I really got to know one person for the first time - even though we are neighbors and in each other's social circles. With another, I think we had a breakthrough with how we communicate, and how to improve it. It was emotionally draining, and there were tears -- but it was so worth it to feel we are on our way to understanding each other. My third and favorite change was getting time to remember and renew a friendship. It's tricky getting to know each other again, but not bad tricky. Actually, kind of fun. No - totally fun. I also proved to the group, as a whole, that I wasn't as lazy and unreliable as they all believed I was. That was cool. I knew an opportunity would present itself one day.

All of these positive changes are a lot to take in. I'm enjoying every second of it though. A job well done, friendships strenghthened, and new kick-ass neighbors. What sounds better than that?

I'm no longer a virgin!

Yes, folks, you heard me correctly. I had my cherry popped.

Would you like to hear about it?

When it began, I felt a little dizzy. Dizziness led to all-over body chills. I had this roaring in my ears - sound wave after sound wave crashed into me. I was in awe. I had never experienced anything like it before. I thought I had seen/felt something similar before, but I was wrong. There is nothing like it. I can't wait to experience it again.  I felt the massive power behind it all.  It was like being next to the Gods.


Today, for the very first time, I saw the ocean.  The Atlantic Ocean from Nags Head.  Wow oh wow oh wow.  

The dizziness was the anticipation building and opening up the senses.  Chills were from the very strong wind that was constantly blowing.  The waves crashing on the beach was the roaring I heard.

Have any of you ever been to Lake Superior?  It is one of the Great Lakes.  If you stand on the shore, you can't see the other side.  I never had a huge drive to see the ocean, cuz I figured it would look pretty much the same.  Boy, was I wrong!!!  It is nothing like Lake Superior - except for the fact that you can't see the opposite shore.





Dudes, it was so amazing.  I have shells, sand, and driftwood from today.  I know that is so cheesy, but I wanted a physical memory of this first time experience.

Now I just have to go to a strip bar and a casino.  I haven't been to either place.  I seem so sheltered when I list stuff like that.

This little mini vacation has been excellent so far.  We head to North Carolina tomorrow morning to finish loading the truck.  We made excellent time today.  Tomorrow will be easier - just lift and load.  After we get everything that we are moving, we are staying in a hotel.  Fabulous!  The mini vacation continues!  Plus, did I ever mention I'm getting paid to enjoy myself?  I am such a whore.  (And I'm okay with that.)

For astrology believers:  Ever been with two Librans trying to decide on something?  It's entertaining!  I am half of this pair.  We made all kinds of decisions that don't have any actual relevance.  We got stuck trying to decide which ring tone to use for our alarm.  I asked the other two people with us - hoping for a tie breaker.  No such luck.  We just made a bigger tie, and there was no one else to ask.  A decision did get made   ...eventually.

On our drive to the ocean and back, excellent feel-good conversations were had by all.  We did get a little silly (I blame sleep dep.), a little creative ( I believe that was the ocean), and a lot happy (I credit that to the company.).  We seemed like a very cohesive foursome.  Actually, I feel that way about our entire crew this weekend - at least those that I consider part of the crew.  If you pretend to work, or make more work for the rest of us, you don't count in my world.  My world is the only one that matters, right?

Goodnight y'all (says the chick that hails from a land-locked state).

6 ~too early~ 30 AM

My phone rang at 6:30am this morning. 6 fucking 30 A. goddamn M.

Was somebody dead?

Dying?

Maimed, bleeding or hurt in some way?

Anything on fire?

The answer to these (and all other questions you would ask at 6:30am) is no. A big resounding NO. No? What the hell???

Just another dumbass I have collected - the prominent dumbass currently - to say he was going to be late. What?!?!?!?

I wasn't even driving. What did he expect me to do? Make people wait for his unhappy ass? Yeah, I have the power. Watch me stop this train.

As if that wasn't enough, he called again an hour later. I have no idea what he wanted that time. I hung up. The only thing he was able to say was "Hello". It felt great.

We made it to Virginia perfectly fine. Only one missed turn (and we didn't end up in Texas, dollface) and two stops in 8 1/2 hours.


One last thing: Where can I get earplugs?

I'm outta here!

I am leaving the house tomorrow to go to Virginia, North Carolina, and then back here on Saturday. I'm helping friends move out here.

Did you catch that? I'm leaving the house... without the family... on my own... No one but myself to answer to...

I'm in a reasonable facsimile of heaven!!

I think this will be refreshing.


It better be.

Urban Word of the Day

disneyfication


The act of taming the world to make it all safe, clean, and completely similar to a theme park.

To remove the sharp edges and darkness that is life.

Example: NYC suffered from disneyfication under Rudy, and now is as boring as any small town, USA.

We did what????

The world must have ended. Hell froze over, or maybe pigs are flying.


We had a Super Bowl party. Let me say that again...

We had a Super Bowl party.

Granted, it was last-minute. We didn't have anything else to do. One of our friends wanted to watch it. Why not have a party? Most of the people I hang with don't watch football. It seemed like a great idea to have a party for something we couldn't give a flying rat's ass about.

I called everyone in the vicinity, and only a few people didn't show up.

I have no idea what happened during the game. I only paid attention during the commercials. Those were great!

What was up with no cheerleaders during halftime? I didn't want to see Tom Petty. I couldn't find a place to escape for the entire performance. And thanks to the DVR, I had the extreme pleasure of watching it twice. Twice. I get a headache just thinking about it.

We had the usual aspects of a Super Bowl party. We had people cheering both teams. We had snacks. We even had the "I've had too much to drink" person. Which, of course, led to the person that went after the drunk person - in the rain. What more could a football lover like me ask for?

Here's what. Because we recorded it instead of watching it live, the ending didn't get recorded. Sweet! I have no idea what the final score is, but I do know who won - the team I picked with all of my football expertise. I used a very scientific method. I like New York. The city, the state... I don't even know where the Patriots are from. Wait, was it Boston? I have no idea. The Giants are from New York, and that's all I needed to know. Team picked!

Why does it always seem like the Super Bowl teams have the same colors?
Maybe it's just me.

Well, folks, I'm tired. I am off to some relaxed state. Couch good, sleep better...

Super Bowl Sunday

Today someone mentioned the Super Bowl. My kid -my 12 year old kid- asked, "What's a super bowl?"

I was so proud.


Later, she asked how the bowling was going.

I'm doing something right.

Coming out better for it

I am proud of myself. I had a challenge with temptation last night. I really really wanted to, but I did not give in. Sucked during the moment, but today?

I feel happy and peaceful and content. All of that would have been tainted (overcome) by guilt and shame. Instead, I can focus on the good things.

I am in an amazing mood today. Yay me!

Evil women should be rewarded

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."


Yes, women, we are evil....

Home Inspections - Free Advertising

If anyone out there needs a home inspector, I can personally vouch for this one.


Volunteer Inspections

Ya know what bugs me?

When you wait a looooooooooong ass time for something, and then, when it happens, you get in your head, think too much, and basically screw up.

I do that a lot. Think too much.

It has saved me on more occasions than it has screwed me, but still...

Damn it.

Wow.

Really. That's about it. Wow.

Urban Dictionary - Electile Dysfunction

Electile Dysfunction

The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party during an election year.


"Is anyone appealing to you in this years presidential race?"
"Naa... No one excites me. I think I'm suffering from Electile Dysfunction."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

I think I burned my face on my laptop.



~Do not expand~

N'arlins - Here I come!!

We have decided I need some sort of vacation. Some time to get away w/o the fam, w/o all the friends...

It has been decided that I get to go to New Orleans. Partly because I really really want to, and partly because no one dares to tell me I can't.

Dealing with Diva 24/7 in all her tween-ness, plus having to take care of a bunch of adults that I shouldn't have to. Mostly, cuz the majority (if not all) of them are older than me! You can't tell... Freakin' adult children, and me fresh out of maternal instinct!

Anyway, I've been on the edge of going postal, as you all know. Who in their right mind would deny me a break?

My only hang-up is trying to find someone to go with me. Ya know... that I actually want to spend time with. It also has to be a guy. I don't care if that sounds sexist. I need some protection in that city. I may be crazy, but not stupid. There are two I have in mind. One never pisses me off cuz he is so easy going, plus he's a little crazy too. The other one has been there so many times, he could show me all the cool places professional tour guides might not mention. He would also know the stuff I'd want to see... If all three of us went, that'd be just fine too.

I'm thinking March/early April.

I can't believe I finally get to see the city that has been almost an obsession for me!! I have wanted to go there as long as I can remember. I wish I would have made it there before Katrina hit.

That is one regret I can't do anything about. I have tried to make sure I don't have any regrets when I die. I guess I'll have at least one.

There are other places I want to go. I think that is why I feel trapped. I can't just pick up and leave. I feel like I am running out of time. What disaster is going to wipe out New York or Las Vegas? Are the Redwoods going to fall into the ocean? I need to just get up and go, but that is one need that won't be fulfilled.

Damn. This was supposed to be a happy post.

I'm goin' to N'arlins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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I fell on my ass

Yep. That's right. On my ass.

It gets better. I was roller skating at the time.

I only fell once, but it was hard enough to make my ass go numb. Very weird skating with a numb ass. I don't recommend it.

I know this isn't that strange. It is highly unusual for me though. I just don't fall. I never noticed it until the Husband (L) said something. We were walking the dogs - over a year ago - and I fell. He thought that was the first time I fell in the entire time he had known me (which was 12 yrs. at the time).

Lately though, the ground and I are coming in contact with one another quite a bit. Like in the last month or two. I am SO sick of it.

I fell off the bottom of my stairs a couple weeks ago. I live here! I know the stairs - up, down, backwards, forwards, sideways, inside, and out. But I just missed a step or my foot slipped... I don't remember.

That's the other thing! I can usually remember details of shit I did. That way I can go back and analyze it. How else will I learn from my mistakes? But with this falling thing, I can't remember the details. On skates, I know it was a bunch of converging factors all at once, but I can't remember what they were. What the hell is wrong with me?

Any shrinks/doctors/hypnotists in the house?

Now L is gone for the entire weekend, and I have to walk the dogs. I am terrified I will get re-injured. My tailbone is still slowing me down. I do not want to fall on it again.

That also meant no nookie before he left. There wasn't any possible way without hurting me.

I'm a tough chick, but this falling thing is f**king my world up!

Peace out.



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My life finally has meaning

I became an editor at Urban Dictionary!

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Urban Dictionary

I have fallen in love with the Urban Dictionary. So much so, that I have signed up for daily definitions.

Here's two of them:

DILLIGAF

Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck

Example sentence:
You hurt your leg, well DILLIGAF

I am sooooooo using that one.


and...

reality distortion field

reality-distortion field n. An expression used to describe the persuasive ability of managers like Steve Jobs (the term originated at Apple Computer in the 1980's to describe his peculiar charisma). Those close to these managers become passionately committed to possibly insane projects, without regard to the practicality of their implementation or competitive forces in the marketplace.

"A reality distortion field. In Steve's presence, reality is malleable. He can convince anyone of practically anything. It wears off when he's not around, but it makes it hard to have realistic schedules."


Dudes, I know someone like that. I think I may aspire to it.

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Blast From The Past

I was reading the beginning of my blog last night. I realized I have regular phases of being sick of stupid people. I can handle it for awhile, but then it all starts getting to me.


I wrote these back in Dec 2004...

So, a few guidelines:

~If I don't tell you something on my own, I don't want you to know. Don't ask.
~If I feel strongly enough about something, you'll know. Don't push me to 'spill' before I'm ready.
~There's a reason I don't mention names on here. Respecting privacy... If you don't know who I'm talking about, don't ask. If it is about you, I'll talk when I'm ready.
~In person, don't assume because I don't talk about something that I don't know it. And don't judge me by the people around me. People are stupid. (Look at title of blog)
~Here's a pet peeve: Don't assume that because I have an open marriage, I want to have sex with anybody/everybody. I don't. Most of the time, sex isn't worth it. It's usually a waste of getting naked.
~If you talk yourself up to me, I'll think less of you. Understated is best.
~I'm searching for honest, open, relaxed, mature adults to hang with. If you don't fit that criteria, don't expect me to stick around. It's not my job to take care of you. That's your job. Be responsible.
~Don't lie to me. Especially if you are doing it badly. You'll lose major points.
~If I am feeling anti-social, don't try and 'fix' me. I'll do that.
~If you are my friend (or want to be), we are equals. Don't patronize me. Remember, I know shit that you don't. I have also experienced life for a few years. Give me some credit.
~I look at things as lessons to be learned, not as stuff getting in my way.
~If you have a negative attitude, I won't want to be around you. Period.
~If you insist you are right when there is no way you could know, I'll think you're an idiot. A pompous ass. A moron. And not worth my time.
~In general, people suck. You have to be pretty damn special to rise above that. Good luck.

I think they could still apply...

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Some night!

Last week, I had this amazing, otherworldly, fantabulous experience.

Let me set the stage. One thing many of you don't know about me is I live in a Fairy Tale place. Dragons are real, fairies like to play, and magick works. My house actually sits in a fairy hot spot.

(Most of you think I'm crazy at this point. If you don't, continue reading.)

Last Tuesday, the winds started to blow. There was something different about them. I could not stay away. I went outside over and over again. They were both warm and cold. In fact, the temperature went way up. Fabulous. I would have been happy with that, and I was. It started raining. Pouring, actually. We really need any moisture falling out of the sky. We had a really bad drought this past summer. Since the drought, I feel happy when it rains. Winds, rain... Later, there was lightning, but only twice - and it was one right after the other. This lightning was special. It was colored lightning! The first one changed from pink to blue to green. The second was pink and blue. And total silence followed. No thunder, just two bursts of colored lightning that reminded me of the Northern Lights.

Have any of you read the stories about someone stepping into a fairy ring, and emerging 100 years later (or something like that)? Do you remember how the Fairy Realm was described? Happy and giddy, joyful, a little fuzzy and foggy around the edges...

That is what happened next. It felt like we shifted into the Fairy Realm. My husband and I were sitting on our balcony, and we both felt the difference. We enjoyed being giddy and foggy around our edges. I even felt this strong urge to say, "All the little creatures have come out to play.", and I did. It felt like I had to say it. Kinda spooky, but a spooky I can live with. This was the first 'high on life' night I referred to a few posts ago.

We also heard voices on the wind, and other unrecognizable noises. Scary, beautiful, fabulous!!!

I was addicted. I didn't want to go to sleep... or wake up... or whatever. I didn't want it to stop. I stayed awake. I continued to go outside as often as I could. I fell asleep eventually, but not by choice.

The next night when I was describing it to a few friends, I got 'high' again. The next day (Thurs.) was the 'crash'.

One of our friends saw the colored lightning, too. He may have been the only one. It was late when it happened.

I have never experienced that before. Now I understand the stories. Now I know how 100 years could pass without notice. I could have spent 100 years in that place... maybe. Big commitment and all. BUT if you would have asked me while I was in the throes of it, oh hell yeah.

I love where I live.

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I feel smart again

I've had new developments in the works, and I am so excited about them. Well, new information to be learned. Developments will come after that.

This is a 'feel like my old self' day. I'm excited to learn something, my brain is constantly having 'A-ha!' moments, and I just know it is going to continue. Here's hoping I don't get overloaded by my own thoughts.

Oh well. If I do, I'll just take a break, and then jump back in!


Does anyone know if it is possible to develop dyslexia?

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There's hope for me yet!

I talked to a friend/mentor, and I see a solution on the horizon. Just knowing that I'll be able to get it under control has made me feel so much better. Part of what was making me crazy was the lack of control. I didn't know what, why, for how long,etc....

I still am lacking in vital information, but just knowing it is out there has given me the ability to breathe again.

*deep breath*

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I typed my real name in, but changed it to ~J~ for the post

What ~J~ Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

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Cool Nerd!

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No straight jacket needed today... yet

So I am feeling less crazy today. I might have just a tiny bit of patience and tolerance back.

I woke up to find Diva in her room, playing video games, and eating chips and dip. This was at 9am. Here's what is supposed to happen. Her alarm goes off at 8am. She has until 9am to have breakfast, etc. My alarm goes off at 9am, and school begins. That has not been happening lately. She has been trying to get away with whatever she can in the morning. Now she is grounded from all video games and snacks. Punishment fitting the crime is my motto of the moment.

Feel sorry for the husband. He has been bearing the brunt of all of my craziness. He never knows when I am going to snap. For that matter, neither do I. We could be laughing, and he could just hint at the wrong thing to say, and I do a 180. He actually has done really well. Probably cuz he knows this is not like me, and it is just a storm to ride out.

I just need a new meteorologist.

Love you guys!!!

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Some relief

I have finally heard from my friend(?). I feel a little bit better - in that area at least.

The rest of the population can f**k off and die.

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Trapped

I want to run away.

I know this great guy/couple down in Alabama that has a lot of acreage. It's a beautiful place. He wants people to come down and homestead there. I have fantasies about doing exactly that. Picking up, leaving, starting my life over... What a delicious thought!

Maybe it is because Little Diva has now entered her tweens, and I wish there was a fast forward button...
Maybe it is because the husband can really be a 'guy' at times, and I don't need that sh*t...
Maybe because one of our friends has quickly developed into one of life's challenges for me, and I have had rage boiling under the surface for awhile now...

I really want some 'me' time. Not just a night out either. Since I am *supposed* to deal with everyone's shit, and stay calm-cool-collected, I want everyone to pamper my ass. For days, weeks, months... whatever.

I am also experiencing these strange extreme mood changes. I can go from feeling good to seriously pissed in a nano-second, and then back to good again. It's a constant flip-flop. What is that? Bi-polar.. Manic-depression? I don't know what it sounds like, but I know it is not that. If I could work through whatever the hell this is, I'd go back to normal.

The only good thing about being pissed off all the time is the inner body warmth during these cold months.

I really do want to punch somebody... anybody.

So today I feel used, abused, taken advantage of, and generally f**ked over. I am really mad at a friend of mine. Well, I think he's a friend. Who the f**k knows. You would think he would consider me a friend -- I am that awesome. He would be a real dumbass to not take my sincere offer of friendship. I will not stand out in the cold forever. Dumbass.

Yesterday and the night before, I was higher than I thought I could be. That's not true - I don't have a cap for how high on life I could be. Anyway, I was floating so high, my feet were not even close to the ground - for hours. It was so fabulous. I felt normal once again.

There is a theory that today is just a crash from that fabulous feeling. Is it possible to have the endorphin/serotonin/something crash without drugs? Is it possible to have crashes all the time? Is it possible to stay in a crash?

I really just want people to leave me alone. Except those I choose to deal with... The list is not very long.

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Venting

So, at first I was pretty excited. Part of me still is... but now I am starting to feel used. I'm good enough to dish it out, try and prove my loyalty, and all that shit -- but not good enough for any real information??? F**k off. If you don't believe I'm a friend, you are a dumbass. Who else would have made that many sacrifices? Who else would have considered your best interests? You keep holding me at arm's length, and I am done. We are not playing by *only* your rules anymore. If you can actually question my loyalty, then I can question yours.

Who am I kidding? You are loyal only to yourself. All of us are just here for.. what?? Your pawns?

What the f**k ever.

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I'm back (at the moment)

So wow.

I've missed this place.

I've missed all of you.

I really need to stop smoking that crack...


(Yes, that was a joke.)


Here's my plan: I don't know how well I'll stick to it, but... I figure one post per season to catch all of you up. One post for the last year is WAY too much to hope for. I figure I'll start with the Summer post.


I love you!!!!

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A joke I've hung on to

2:11 PM 9/4/2007

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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I am going to relax today.

Whoo! What a busy week! Between trying to get my printer to work to running someplace every day... Very busy.

I've been trying to figure out what Diva's summer lesson plans will be. I thought about skipping math and focusing on science. Still undecided.

We saw Spiderman 3 a couple/few weeks ago. I loved it. I'm also not an avid comic book reader. Venom was cool, but I'm really glad I got to see Sandman on the big screen.

Last Tuesday -my out in the woods yoga day- I didn't do yoga. I did crunches instead. We have got to do yoga tonight. I desperately need it. No yoga for 2 weeks now. I really don't want to do it alone. I'm afraid that my partner is gonna poop out on me. Left to my own devices, I'll stop doing it. I know this about myself. I won't like having to stay self-motivated to be alone.

So, the Heroes season finale? Totally rocked! It cleared up so many loose ends, didn't leave you hanging as much as previous chapters, AND they did a preview of Volume 2!!! All in all, it was very satisfying. I have many theories, ideas, and speculation about Volume 2. I love a show that leaves me buzzing after watching it.

Friends from Atlanta were here over the weekend. Love love love when they are in town! Very cool people. They WILL have something very positive happen to them within the next two weeks. We have two separate dreams that we have merged to help each other out. Both beautiful dreams, both are going to happen. That's all there is to it.

End scene.



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So...

Yesterday I was ready to get my kid on drugs AND send her to boarding school. Not one or the other. I was ready to ship her ass out, and let someone else deal. I was done. Luckily, the man stepped in. He took charge, and I'm willing to give it another shot today.

I'm not going into any details. Little Diva doesn't deserve that. Suffice it to say, I was DONE. I had a total meltdown. I pretty much figured nothing has ever worked, and nothing ever will. I felt helpless. I didn't have any options left - at least that is how I felt. I was ready to hand her off to whoever would be willing to take her.

I did tell her I was willing to let her go to public school again if she really wants to. I also told her that if I find out she does even one inappropriate thing with a boy, I will yank her out so fast she won't know what hit her.

I am aware how awful this sounds. Judge if you want. I just lost it. I think this 24-7 thing with no possibility for parole (babysitter) is a lot to handle. No 'adult only' time to go out or whatever. The Diva is always there doing her drama queen thing. Always.

I could have a girls night out, but the timing is off. We are tightening the belts around here until our trip to MN in July. No extra spending allowed, eat cheap crap food, put every cent toward vacation spending money, etc.

I have two opportunities for overnight road trips before MN. I need to figure it out before I go crazy and take everyone down with me.


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I want

I want.

I want.

I want.

I'm so sick of hearing "I want" without the "I" part of the equation putting in an effort. Quit telling me if you aren't willing to work for it.

I'm over it.


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*sigh*

Dial-up downloading takes forever. Just sayin'.

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Hey Cricket!!

So glad you have a blog again!!! Have you posted yet?

Like the Queen of Hermitdom here is one to talk! *laugh* I haven't kept up with anyone or anything - as you well know.

I'm getting better, I swear!! :D

I'll be researching IMs today.

Talk to you soon!


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Links -n- stuff

will be back shortly. The blog needed an upgrade and some spring cleaning.

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Online now

I got the laptop online. I'm hooked up, people. My next step is to get my IMs up and running.

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So happy!

We finally bought a laptop!!!! I am so over-the-top excited!

I am sitting in my bed, drinking coffee, typing this to post later. How freakin' cool is that?

I know. Took me long enough, right?

We also really wanted to have a laptop before our trip to MN this summer. Mostly cuz we are driving up, and we want something to do in the car. We have already installed The Sims. I'll get a few expansion packs to install from a friend of ours.

I have decided this is the solution to my lack of blogging. It's sitting down at the big PC, firing it up (since I'm not on it every day), etc.. With the laptop, I can type my entries in notepad, and copy/paste them online later.

One of my favorite things (so far) about the laptop are the Gadgets. I don't know enough yet to know if it is a strictly Vista thing, or if it is pretty common with Windows... I have no idea. I do know that I have a cool sidebar with an analog clock, a calendar, post-it pad (my favorite!), a CPU meter, a slideshow, and a picture puzzle.

The graphics rock. We wanted Intel, but settled for AMD instead. We wanted 2G of RAM, but settled for 1G. We have 160G memory, though. Pretty cool, eh? It also has a webcam and mic already built in. So excited!!!!

I haven't even hooked it up to the internet yet. I can't wait!

We also bought a carrying case for it. That wasn't in the original plan, but we were saving a lot by settling for less than what we wanted. I love my new laptop case!

I'll be looking at skins for my laptop. Shiny black is pretty and all, but I want something that screams me.

We also got an inverter for the car. Apparently an inverter (which gives you a place to plug something in) is cheaper that a car adapter for a laptop. This also means Little Diva might be able to play her PS2 on the trip to MN. Her portable DVD player has hook-ups for stuff like that. Diva has been saving her money for a long time and was able to buy the DVD player yesterday when we bought the laptop. That was a great purchase for her. She brought a movie with us, and watched it on the way home. So quiet, no trouble whatsoever, and the best part... She didn't feel car sick!!!!

We need to get a splitter for the cig lighter.


Ta ta for now! Y'all will be seeing a lot more of me, I promise! (Threaten?)

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Addition to really late update

I've also started doing Yoga on a regular basis. A friend and I get together outside, and I am usually high from the experience for the rest of the night. If I don't get my Yoga, I'm like a junkie w/o a connection.

We usually do the poses that kick our asses. I think it is interesting that we do exactly the same routine, but we have different reactions in different muscle groups. I usually feel it from one tricep, up and across my shoulders, down the other tricep. She usually feels it in her ass, neck, or back.

I've noticed my clothes fitting better. I feel sexier than I have for awhile. It's a good thing.

Hmm... The urge is hitting me to do some Yoga....

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Really late update

So I totally suck with this whole online/check email/update blog thing. Sweaty donkey balls type of suck.

Let's see...


We have been so freaking busy lately. So busy that if we were in Hollywood, we would be checking ourselves into a hospital with exhaustion. It is very rare to have one entire day when we don't have to go anywhere. Today happens to be one of those days, but only because we are blowing off an activity. When the thought of doing something really cool makes you want to curl up in bed and temporarily die, it's time to play hooky (hookey?).

Little Diva and I have been to Minnesota. My brother had double bypass heart surgery. He's a horse though. He's gonna be just fine. His doctor wants him to ride bicycle in the Iron Man competition summer of '08. You can do either 30, 60, or 100 miles. If he gets back to the way he was, 60 miles would be no problem. I can see him going for the 100.

Now that wasn't all that happened because of that trip. I had to make contact with my dad again. I haven't spoken to him in over 10 years. I'm barely interested in how he's doing. But I am an opportunist at times. This was one of those times. Dad sent word through my sister that he would be willing to pay for my plane ticket so I could be there for Mookey's surgery. (Mookey is obviously an alias for my brother.) Dad owes me, so I took him up on his offer, and he flew me and Little Diva up. Now I am just trying to figure out how long I am obligated to talk to him. How much time equals $900?

We went all out for Little Diva's birthday. My baby is 12 years old. Weird, a little creepy, and sooooooooooo much closer to 18 (Yay!). We took her to Wacky Bear and Dollywood (2 different days), plus she had a birthday potluck and a birthday game night. I am so glad it's over until next year. Exhausting just remembering it.

We now have Guitar Hero II here. We are all addicted. I'm not sure which is more addicting: GH II or Need For Speed (especially Most Wanted).

I've gotten better at house work since moving here. I think my mother would be proud. I know I am.

I haven't read a book in a very long time. I miss reading.

We will probably be getting a laptop soon. I think that will make it easier for me to keep this place updated. Any advice on buying a laptop, and/or what I should look for would be appreciated. I want plenty of memory, and a good battery life. Help!

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Stolen from Bill Nye the Science Guy:

Long distance phone call to an old racist buddy: $2
Refreshments for a White Power meeting: $10
Explaining to a racist that all people have the same genes and that our external appearance which is used to classify us into races represents only .01% of our genes: Priceless
Telling a racist that we all come from Africa: Really Great

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Sung to the tune of the Oscar Meyer theme :

I wish I were a three legged doggy,
For that is what I'd truly love to be.
For if I was a three legged doggy,
I wouldn't have to lift my leg to pee.

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Did you know you could get therapy online??? Read on...

I thought y'all might like to know: I did print up the business cards that were suggested in the comments section of the previous post. Not card 3 or 4 though. Too much work for a jackass. I also didn't have business card paper.
It was a refreshing move, however. I felt like I was doing something, and it was GOOD.

Thank you, Cyli.

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Back of the head... Kick!!!

I have never claimed to be tolerant of neighbors. I am pretty tolerant with people I choose to have in my life. If they have to make allowances for me, I have to return that favor gladly.

But neighbors??? All bets are off.
We have a new neighbor. Not just any neighbor though. One we have known for quite a while. We aren't close or anything, but we met the dude years ago. We have run into him at the same places we have been.
He used to be this really sweet nice guy. Someone you would want around, hard-worker, etc. An all-around good guy.

Apparently he was gang raped by a bunch of wild dogs or something else to radically change his personality.
Now he is a massive control-freak, manipulative, chauvinistic, aggressively obnoxious, jackass. It is to the point that when he walks into the same area I am (yard, house, etc), I have violent tendencies. I mean, I wanna take the little fucker down. Put him in a world of hurt. Or just use my double-edged wit and deflate his ego like a popped balloon.

It all came down to one fateful evening. I was tolerant. I was patient. I was making allowances. I was being polite and civil and all that jazz. Then he seemed to think he donated either sperm or egg in the creation of my child. Emphasis on MY.
There were eight or more of us hanging out - some getting ready to play HeroScape, some just hanging. It was looking like a fun evening ahead for all involved.

Now those of you that have stuck with this blog through all my hermit-dom know that Little Diva is a strong-willed independent creature. She's a freakin' handful. We, as her parents, know what she is like. We know what to expect, and we know we will have to get on her about one thing or another, without fail. WE will have to. (Didja catch that? Oh good, I knew you wouldn't let me down.)

Anyway, Jackass was there that evening. As a matter of fact, you couldn't possibly miss his existence that night. Anytime, Every time WE had to discipline her, stop her, etc, guess who jumped in -from across the room, no less- talked loudly to her, over US.
Picture getting in trouble as a kid. Your parents busted you, they are taking care of it, and then someone else decides to discipline you, ignoring that your parents are already on top of the situation. How would your parents feel if someone stepped onto their turf uninvited??
I know how I felt the first time it happened. Back of his head: Kick. I restrained myself, focused on my kid, got the message to her, etc. I had every right to ignore him.
This didn't just happen once though. He could be sitting quietly, not doing a thing, but if he saw us saying anything "parental" to Little Diva, he would jump out of his seat, and get into the middle of it. Who does that?

He is not part of the village that is raising her. Not even the village jumps in like that. If we are around, we take care of it. Period. She has many adults around that love her and care for her, but Jackass isn't either one of those. He just sucks fungus-covered sloth balls.

The husband wants to be the one to take care of it. We have decided to wait until he does it again (and he will!), but the waiting is killing me. I've got the whole protective-mother-don't-fuck-with-me vibe going on, and something needs to be resolved soon.

Last night he was around her, but amazingly enough, she behaved herself. He did try to manipulate her into letting him take her place in a game she was in - a game she had begged to play - and she would have let him too, (cuz she is a nice handful) but Daddy stepped in and told her, "No, you can't stop playing.". *laugh* Who tells a kid that?? Too funny. But that Jackass trying to manipulate a little kid out of a game pissed Daddy off (and me too once I heard about it). Jackass didn't ask if he could take over for any of the adults.

I wish I had one of those things that gyms have (don't know what they're called) that you can kick. Maybe it's just a punching bag's dual purpose. All I know is I want to beat the snot outta someone or something, and I have no options.


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More cheese, please.

I'm bored, and I have too much to do. Ever been there? I guess another word for it is overwhelmed.
I have unpacking and cleaning to do (top of my list), plus other crap that I will avoid mentioning. If I start listing everything, I'll get even more stressed.

I know the solution. All of you out there rolling your eyes at my lameness: You preacher; me choir. I know I have to just get up and do something. Of course, I won't finish such a huge project by the time I go to bed, so it will just sit there, taunting me, torturing me, until I lose my mind for good.

I'm such a whiner.


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De-lurking

Howdy folks!

I got wind it was National De-lurking Week, so I thought I'd come out of my cave and de-lurk my own blog. I actually left a comment on another person's blog. Can you believe it?? My head is still spinning.

You ever feel like you don't have time to sit down at the computer? I do ever since I moved. Does this mean I'm more active? And that must be good, right?

There. I've officially de-lurked.
(This one is for you, Cyli!)

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In honor of a hero

I have just found out that a friend is no longer with us. Or at least I think that is what I found out. I know I cried like I had known him my whole life, but in reality, we have never physically met.
He was a damn fine man, and a damn fine partner to his wife - another good friend of mine.
I will honor his memory.


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Hello out there Hello... Hello... Hello...

Haven't blogged in awhile.
Let's see...

I went to MN to sort through my mother's things with my brother and sister. It was the first time the three of us have ever done anything together w/o our families. It was fantastic. We all feel closer to each other than ever before.

One thing that wigged me out: My brother informed me he discovered my MySpace page. He also told both me and my sister and a mutual friend that I had 'swinger' listed as Relationship Status. I about died. I didn't see it coming. I figured he was going to say something about me being pagan or something. I am still in the broom closet, so I was panicking. I couldn't even remember what 'Orientation' meant. I played the swinger thing very cool. My sister even asked me if I was "scoping" right now. In a VFW????? In my hometown????????????? HELL NO. She proceeds to tell me I should cuz I looked hot. When I asked her if she was encouraging me, she ran away. Obviously she doesn't approve of the open lifestyle.

Is there a way to hide some of the pictures that are uploaded to MySpace? I don't want to delete them, just remove them from the public's eye. More specifically, my brother's eye. HELP!

After I got back from my trip, we started packing. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we moved again. This move was a lot easier. We were able to take several loads out before the big moving day. I'm actually typing this on Notepad, because I'm waiting for a phone line. Well, a phone jack. I'm actually craving the internet again. Maybe it's the view from my window. Nothing but tall tall trees as far as the eye can see. So much better than a blank wall. I don't feel so crowded now.

The house is beautiful. I can sit in every room and just look around. Our friend that built this house is a fine craftsman. The upstairs walls are all angles. Little Diva has her bed in a loft. What kid wouldn't want a cool room like that?? I have a balcony off of my room that looks out at all those tall tall trees. This place feels like coming home.

Because of the move, I've barely been online. I would dial up every few days or more to check my email - mostly to keep it from getting too full. I only replied to my brother and sister. No worries. I'll write back to everyone else, I promise.

All for now. Have to unpack some more stuff. Ugh. Coffee first.



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"On"

Okay, so this would be one of my "on" days.
I actually blew the dust off my Yahoo and had an IM convo today. I'm still reeling.

I've been thinking about sex again. I know I didn't say I wasn't, but I'm sure you are smart enough to put it together. The thought of sex was such a yawner, it would either put me to sleep or put me in a really bad mood. Don't misunderstand this. The man knows what he is doing. I have just been such a Grade A Bitch lately that, of course, I didn't want to get off and improve my mood. It's a theory. I'll try to keep you updated.
Maybe I need angry sex.

Anyway...

I have a busy two days ahead of me. I can't tell you anything or I'd be forced to kill you, and I really like you.

Next weekend is a Women's Night Out overnight bash. I can't wait!!! Now if only I could drink... A night w/o the husband/kid combo. It feels like a fantasy coming true. Is it really possible?


I have thought about visiting my friends. I'm not sure what the etiquette is though. Can you call up a friend you haven't spoken to in months and ask if they want to get together? And if you do get that lucky, do you tell them what's been going on in your head the last few months, or just breeze past it like it was nothing?
But then there's the trouble with the, "Oh, you should have called me." responses. Not they don't mean it when they say it, but everyone gets sick of a whiner. More friendships have been lost that way, and I wanted to be sure I still had friends to go back to when I was funk-less.

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Facing a fear

I'm in a funk. A funk I am trying to understand. There are moments, days even, when I feel like my old self. I have hope that I am finally emerging. I start to look forward to all the things I used to look forward to... But then, something will happen, sometimes just a thought, that sends me spiraling back down again.
I'm teetering between wanting to see my friends and thinking I wouldn't be very good company.

Maybe I just need to get laid. Repeatedly and forcefully. I'd like to come away from it checking for injuries. That would definitely perk my spirits up.
I have fantasies of being slammed up against walls, floors, and/or random surfaces (which is too noisy when there is a kid in the house).

I have been very intolerant. It's what I want, when I want it, or watch out. Maybe I just need to be put in my place.

I just don't want to be disappointed anymore. I keep hearing promises that I know won't be kept.

I have a friend that is possibly looking at a prison sentence. I don't believe my friend will stay alive for very long in there.

My world, my sanctuary, is getting ripped apart at the seams. When/If that happens, where will I turn?

I love my blog, but I am terrified to post this. How sad is that?

Being online feels too connected to the world. I've realized it's not so much leaving the house that I don't like. It's letting anyone in to see what is really going on inside me that is terrifying. I'm supposed to be the one that is so together.

What a lame thing to say. Nevermind.

Yep, need to get laid. Repeatedly and forcefully.

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Play it again, Sam

Has anyone out there heard of "Finian's Rainbow"?

It's an old musical with Fred Astaire in it. I grew up with it, but have only met two other people that knew what it was.

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On the road to... recovery???

I have figured out part of my problem. I keep trying to leave my cave, but every time I do, stupid people happen. Usually I don't get very far. Sometimes only as far as this neighborhood. I really need out of this area. It makes it really hard to be my happy-go-lucky self when I have fantasies of torture.
Torturing other people, I mean.

Well... To be perfectly honest, I have some of the other kind of torture fantasies too...

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Greyhound

Prohibited Items for Checked Baggage

Acids, ammunition, animals (Why would you bring an animal to be checked under the bus? "Ma'am, I have to take Spot - He ate my homework."), combustible liquids, compressed gases, CORPSES (Are you shitting me??? They had to actually say it???), cremated remains, explosives, firearms of all types, fireworks, flammable liquids, furniture, hazardous materials (poisons, radioactive materials, etc.), materials with a disagreeable odor (Disagreeable to who?), matches, merchandise for resale, protruding articles, or any unsecured articles including those in plastic or paper bags are prohibited.

Electronic equipment (television, stereos, etc.), film (flammable), and perishable items (food) may be sent using Greyhound PackageXpress with appropriate packing. Items such as money and prescription medication may not be checked as baggage and are to be carried in the customer's possession.

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MIA

Quickly:

I'm still in hermit mode.

I think about my blog almost everyday, but I haven't been motivated enough to write.

I'll be going to MN to go through my mother's things with my brother and sister. I'm really excited!

I have finally "discovered" eBay. We all have mp3 players now. I love my new toy! I can't wait to upgrade!!!

I have been finding out a lot of my family history. It's been great!

Well, dahlings, that's all for now.

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More dumbasses I have not had the pleasure of kicking in the balls

I just watched Ku Klux Klan: A Secret History on A&E.
I was so ignorant. Sure I knew there have been crazy hooded racists for a long time. Yes, I knew they targeted black people, and had a reign of terror. I've never understood the mindset of these people.

Did you know that the founders did not set out to be violent dumbasses? Nope, it was six college age dudes (not in college) that decided to form a club or a fraternity. They made up silly names for the officers and initiates. They further decided on weird costumes and secret identities. They would ride through the little Tennessee town in these costumes, and, of course, all kinds of men wanted to be part of this new club. After they had been riding through the night, claiming to be ghosts, trying to frighten newly freed slaves, they thought they could get away with a bit more.

Did you know the Klan was wiped out? Yep, Federal government kept cracking down on these SOBs until no one wanted to be a member.

Of course there was a revival. Sixteen guys got together and decided to get it going again. By then, however, they discovered hatred for black people wasn't enough to bolster membership. They added Catholics and Jews. They spun it to seem a patriotic thing to join. Since there was a lot of dissatisfaction in America in the 1920's, people were eager to sign up.

Every time the Klan was revived, violent acts increased. I know, duh. What was amazing to me was that it took until 1977 (see Edit) for anyone to get convicted, and then it was a 15 year old crime. This creep finally got convicted for bombing a church in Birmingham which killed four girls.

The trials for all Klan crimes (that actually made it to a jury) had all white male juries.

I've decided Bill Baxley is one of my heroes. He was a law student when the girls were killed, and he vowed to someday do something about it. When he became Attorney General, he reopened the case. That's not what elevated him to hero status though. He received a threatening letter from the Klan, and his reply was,
"My response to your letter of February 19, 1976 is - kiss my ass.
Sincerely,
Bill Baxley
Attorney General"

How cool is that? A politician formally responding like that is fantastic. Not only is he swearing, and speaking like you or I would, but he's in effect saying, "yeah, whatever, you puny dumbasses". Gotta love the balls of that man.

By this time, the Klan had lost a great deal of it's numbers. They searched for new issues to have hissy fits about. They found affirmative action, reverse discrimination, and forced busing. It didn't do them much good. They would hold their little protests, but they were met with angry and violent citizens. They no longer held the public sway. They needed to do something.

Enter David Duke. He didn't wear robes or slur the black people. He talked to the press, and boy could he spin. "We're not anti-black, just pro-white." He also mentioned that there were thousands of organizations working for the interests of blacks and other minorities, and they were just working for the interests and culture and ideals of the white people. He almost made the Klan seem warm and fuzzy. That would explain the surge of new members... again.

Luckily, The Southern Poverty Law Center created Klan Watch. It doesn't seem like much, but there was a fantastic result... after a tragedy.

In March 1981, several klansmen wigged the fuck out when a trial of a black man accused of killing a white cop resulted in a mistrial. One of the higher ups (A&E described him as a titan) said that if a black man could get away with murdering a white man, then we should be able to kill a black man. (I had to blink at this. Hadn't they already killed a whole bunch of black people over the years? One white cop gets killed, and this means hunting season is open??? Whatever.) Two klansmen, 17 and 26, decided to go hunting that night. They found, kidnapped, killed, and hung a man up in Mobile for everyone to see. A good ol' fashioned lynching.

These two crackheads went to trial. I totally expected them to be set free. It had happened so many times before, right? Well, not this time!!! One of them confessed, and they were both convicted of murder. Not manslaughter or some other pussy charge, but murder. It didn't end there. The mother of the lynched man filed a civil lawsuit against the United Klans of America. The trial only lasted four days, and the jury only deliberated for four hours. The verdict? Seven million dollars against the UKA. It destroyed them. All they really had was a 7000 sq ft. national headquarters building, and 10 acres of land. The mother of the murdered black man now had the deed handed to her by a southern jury. Yee haw!! That's fantastic!
(See, I told you Klan Watch was a good thing.)

Klansman finally realized that pursuing terror might cause them to lose their money, home, or life. The violent acts became sporadic.

In 1997 , one of the killers of the black man mentioned above was executed. He was the first klansman to be killed for a klan act. Raise your glasses and toast!

Their members at one time exceeded 3 million, but have dwindled to around 5,000 in the present day.

I know I may seem overly excited when the scales are still unbalanced, but I welcome change - especially change for the better. I feel like we sane people have been at war with the crazies forever, and we are finally gaining ground, morale is lifted, and hope is restored. I can only imagine what it was like in the 1950's when the Klan had free reign. My heart literally seizes up in fear imagining life back then. I am so proud of the people that took a stand - even when it meant their life was in danger.

I think it is our responsibility as the sane ones to teach our children to be sane. The Klan members fill their little ones' heads full of worthless crap, and we need to fight back by filling our children's' heads with the truth. What is the truth? Racism is some crazy ass idea that has no business remaining in our modern day. Also, we should teach our children not to enable racists. If you see one, call him out, and don't associate with him anymore. Period.

How's that for a soapbox history lesson?
*stepping down*

***Edit: Sorry. The first klansmen to go to jail was in 1965. Three of them were sentenced to 10 years each for violating the civil rights of others. In '67, 18 klansmen went to trial, and their Imperial Wizard along with 6 others, were found guilty. Wizard dude got the maximum sentence of 10 years. Go FBI!!!
In 1967, a report was released saying The Klan was un-American, which was a previous selling point.

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No idea who wrote this, but it's soooo true.

"My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without
actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat.

That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile
politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

. . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door."

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Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my panty liner had a bunch
of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
-Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
-Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
-Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling
fresh.
-Try Kotex blah, blah, blah other products

Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a
functioning set of ovaries.

Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8
glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and
report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate
from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee that the first responders
will be females who just ovulated.

Look... females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene
products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that
from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted
their own recipes for survival, many of which contain alcohol.

Printing out advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put it in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer!!

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package
announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. The ultimate
goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage,
including at the point of purchase.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your - - - . (Try
drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while
you're doing it!)

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS


(Funny email I just had to share!)

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Well.

We have been having problems with our internet connection. We kept getting kicked off, plus the speed was way slow. We ended up calling the techies. They helped us make our modem more efficient, but that wasn't the problem. It is as simple as getting a new two way splitter for the phone lines. However, calling the techies did do something wonderful. Instead of getting excited when our speed is 52 Kbps, now I'm excited because it is 115 Kpbs!!!!

I love techies.

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Just cuz Cricket did, and I had to know...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys. You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities. Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

How Do Men See You?

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Today is Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm a little excited, if you couldn't tell.
Fridays are important. They usually mean getting inebriated (the only way I can), staying up late (not alone), and there isn't any worry about "tomorrow morning". A lot of times I get worn out Friday nights, and that's a good thing! I usually have to force myself to go to bed before his alarm goes off. Sucks the big one, let me tell you.

But not Fridays!!

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Here's the link!

Ya know the one about the Bohemian Grove that I wish I had?
Start with the article titled "Masked man enters, attacks Bohemian Grove", and then read any story mentioning Richard McCaslin. The last snip about him does not mention his name until you open the full news article, but you'll recognize it by the words "commando" and "jury".

Have fun!!!

Bohemian Grove (Prison Planet)

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It's about time!

I finally made it out to see one of my friends after a year! It was great. Things were normal between us. Ya know how friends can have that awkward moment when they aren't sure what to do or say since they've been out of the loop for so long? That didn't happen. Cool, eh?

I even got him to cheat. Well, he wanted to anyway. Actually I didn't really have anything to do with him cheating...


...on his diet. :D It was one of my goals though. He just did all the work for me.

I did get thrown around. He had to try some of his "moves" on me.

Moves like the choke hold and others that I don't know the name for. I do know I was picked up and over and thrown on my back. What's that called?? Whatever it was, it was cool. Anytime!!

I also learned a new skill. Well, actually, I was excited cuz I had that skill once -- and it was right!!!

I need to ask him what website I was looking at that had all these articles about some dumbass trying to launch an assault on the Bohemian Grove. Planned it for a year, collected weapons, wore a stupid costume and mask, didn't see anyone and took a nap, tried to set the place on fire, got caught, went to court, and found guilty on all charges. The kicker?? He got this brilliant idea from listening to a Texas radio talk show. I wish I had the link to share with you guys!!

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Beware! Warning! Caution!

Apparently there is a new video game coming out that adults are a bit worried about. They believe it will influence our children in a negative way. Maybe even cause the next school shooting - or maybe a church shooting...

Here's the description:

Yesterday, on T2A, we were introduced to The Purpose Driven Life Takers. An ultra-violent video game, Left Behind: Eternal Forces, based on scenes from the first four novels in the Left Behind novel series, puts you "on a mission - both a religious mission and a military mission -- to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state". It's to be rated T for Teens, meaning it is targeted at the 13-19 year old age group, and is "slated for release by October 2006 in advance of the Christmas shopping rush".

Doesn't that sound great??? I wanna play!


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Long time, No blog

Hello folks!

I have a lot of ground to cover to keep this updated. I am going to do a very quick re-cap.

My in-laws came down from MN at the end of April. That meant no blogging due to cleaning, organizing, etc. Me going into a frenzy. They stayed for about a week, and took my daughter with them when they left (for two whole weeks!! Woo hoo!!). To my surprise, I missed her immediately. Dammit!

Once they left, we had to start preparations for our annual May festival. I tried to cram 2 weeks worth of sewing into one week. I did not succeed, but still did better than I thought I would. All in all, a good sewing phase. (No blogging then either.)

Then, we were at the annual May festival for about a week. We were staff this time around. That was different!! I'd do it again though.

We picked up our daughter on May 15th from Nashville. Quite a long drive, but plane tickets are cheaper in and out of Nashville. It was great to see our Diva again!!!

Since then, I have been trying to get back in the groove of things. My computer has been screwing with me. I wonder if the modem is starting to go... Basically, I get online and do a fraction of what I planned before I have to restart. By then, I just don't wanna try again. I put the Sims in instead. We have the expansion packs for them now. We get to date, go shopping, go on vacation... It's fantastic!! I turned my bachelor (Stud Wannabe) into a player. Women actually got into a fight over him. Also he was told that he "knew just what to do to leave her wanting more." *laugh* Maybe I can work on my penis envy issues through him. I love it: Therapy via The Sims.

I love all of you, and I am missing the blogosphere. I'll get there, I promise!

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